the conversation and subsequent relief

Vegas was not all video poker, swimming, tequila and dancing.

My mother was also there.

No, no need to cue in Beethoven's Fifth. Not this time. There were a few moments that were uncomfortable because I knew that she wanted to talk to me and I am pretty much sick of being the only one to ever broach subjects so I just don't anymore unless I want to.

But those passed, mainly because there were four children under age 6.5 that wanted my or her attention, so "deep talking" moments were not really appropriate at those times.

One day, when out at the state park watching the peacocks running free and grabbing for our breakfast food, we were discussing the mating habits of these beautiful birds, uncertain as to whether they mate for life or not. La Princesita piped in: "Maybe the Mommy peacock and the Daddy peacock live together for a while then decide they don't want to be together anymore and then go live somewhere else."

I have been completely honest with her whenever she has asked questions, like why we don't sleep in the same room. That seems to be showing now.

The next morning there was a knock at the door that awoke me. I went to the door, thinking that Mom probably needed some help with something for some reason.

"Did I wake you?"
-No...yeah...um, it's okay. Do you need me?
"I would like to talk to you. Can you come down for a few minutes?"
-Sure, let me get dressed.

I closed my door and took a deep breath. Okay, here it comes. I promised myself I would have this talk with my mother this trip, because keeping this from her and constantly censuring myself is filling my life with too much stress. A few minutes later had me sitting next to her on her king-sized bed in her hotel room.

"I was hoping you would come to me and that I wouldn't have to come to you, but that hasn't happened, so I need to ask you. What is going on with you and your husband?"
Matter-of-factly, with no emotion at all, I said: -We've been living a domestic separation now for just about two years.
“I knew that. Even when your daughter spoke yesterday, that was pretty telltale. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Oh, how do I go into the myriad of reasons without bringing up the past I am trying so hard not to live in??

So, I talked of the disappointment factor, that I cannot handle disappointing the 175 people who came to the wedding, the huge thing I did not ever want (when the wedding is supposed to be all about the bride, anyway…right??!).

I did not say that it's my life and my mistake and not hers...therefore what's the point?

I talked of how she herself said, back when we lived in Sweden, ‘I give you two five years. That’s it.’ She denies, of course, ever having said that and many other really hurtful and cruel things. But my sister and I try to be understanding, knowing that she was still reeling after having been left a widow at 54 in the wake of the death of her husband, her lover, her best friend. It must be a pain so deep that I never want to know it.

Or perhaps I do…which would mean that I, too, got to share some years of my life with a person that profoundly special to me.

I talked of expectation, of the fact that she never divorced and, although she was not born yesterday, that besides her brother's divorces, has not really ever touched our family and I did not want to be the exception.

“But it takes two,” Mom countered.
With relief, I sighed. -Exactly. And I can’t do it anymore all by myself. Sometimes I wonder if I haven’t tried hard enough. But no, I have given it my all. I have defended him to the end.

A lot was said, she feels hurt that I have lied to her for so long. My mother was never really approachable to me; I was very much my father’s daughter and have been quite lost in the lack of my daddy now for almost 9 years. That kind of relationship does not change overnight, but I am starting to realize that I can confide in her, that she is also a woman who has suffered much loss in her life and that she is not about to judge me for getting out of something that is making my life miserable but rather respect me for making the best decision I possibly can for the well-being of my children and myself.

In the end, she has offered to sell me her house, my childhood home back in Medford, Oregon. “Something has been making me hold onto this house, that is way too big for me to have on my own anymore. Maybe this is it.”
-I am not ready to make any huge decisions about where to go, Mom. But thank you, it adds another possibility to the equation that I had never before considered.

There would be work; I had been teaching at Southern Oregon and the chair was so impressed with me and my degrees that I was invited to stay on as a full professor--but had to leave to support my husband in Sweden. I could get back in easily as no bridges were burned; however, my dream of having my own business and using my own book would go down the drain. The local uni and community college have joined forces and offer a wealth of adult education classes at various locations and at great prices; the market in Southern Oregon is saturated.

Plusses: I would have a position that would give me benefits, and my children would attend the same schools I attended. I would Start Over…after having so wanted to get out of Medford when I was 18, it would be so ironic to end up living there as an adult.

The other big negative is that I would take the children from their father. He is a good man and does not deserve that. However, I don’t know how much longer we can share the same roof, even if separated by a floor.

He is gone for a few weeks investigating the oil spill in the Mississippi in New Orleans, which gives me some time here alone to think and clear my mind. Silence will have to be broken; we will have to talk and once again, I will be the one to initiate everything, fulfilling my role as ‘the bad guy’ once again.

All this aside I feel incredible relief now that my mother knows the truth of the situation. This has been yet another huge step toward doing what I need to do, and I feel a freedom of spirit I have not felt in quite some time.

So my questions now go out to those who have lived this process: Parental support, have you found, is constant or are guilt trips frequent? If your children were to come to you and announce they were divorcing, would you handle it in a different way than your parent(s) did? Or did you wait until parents had passed so as not to cause strife (a serious consideration I have made, and in consideration of my in-laws' health, I feel could be a valid consideration)? I feel I am taking a huge risk in letting my mother into my life because she has really given me great hell when I've tried to let her in before. I don't want to regret what I see now as a step forward.