He emails today with information regarding a co-op living arrangement. Costs would come to about $800-900/month, all inclusive. He would have his own room, but share the living space with other individuals and families. Children are permitted to stay. Location is a hip, Berkeley-esque area of this particular metropolitan area, although crime is notably high there as well.
Hence begin the myriad of feelings in which I am currently swimming. Bear with me; I know how I sound. I just need to get it all out.
1. The thought that had me almost to tears in the consideration of this possibility is the fact that this would be seriously detrimental to the time he would get to have with his children. Overnights during the week would be impossible as he would be incapable (unless he develops some fantastic form of time travel) of getting from there to this area for school drop-offs. I could not permit and would not want him to have the children every single weekend; not only do I deserve a weekend or two a month, he should also be allowed "down time". And the children need his presence.
2. I know that living in a co-op situation is a wonderful thing for many people. I cannot see how that would work necessarily for him, however. The last time he lived with many different people who had their own quarters and common areas was as the commanding officer on a ship; he had peons to do his dirty work for him and didn't have to contribute to the common good. In a co-op all responsibilities are shared and divided equally. He would, this way, have meals ready for him most of the time, so that would be a good thing for him. But he would also have to reciprocate, not only in the kitchen but also in the cleaning and upkeep, etc. Perhaps that would be good for him. Perhaps that would draw him out of living in his own little room. I would think that it would be very hard to go from a house on 1/3 acre to merely having a room, however, that isn't even an efficiency apartment.
2.5. Breaking it down, it is still beyond our means, and he believes we should wait to do this until the children are both in full-time school and I can pursue full-time pay and my own benefits. I think that, with sacrifices, it would be a step--maybe not a permanent step but a first step--and will define if and how this is to work.
3. I then start to think, erroneously, that all will be okay here and that we can just continue on as is. We can get along fine as long as we don't overdo it on the time spent in the same room. I find it much easier to be nice, even sit and talk or smile and be friendly now that I know we are on the same page. I want something better for him. I know I am hurting him. But in thinking this I forget about how much I have been hurt, how much I have been forgotten and merely pushed aside, and I know that we will never again have a life as a "couple" again; we will never return to intimacy. Is this fair to the children, in the end, to see two people, however civilly living together but not practicing any degree of intimacy? Is this healthy? This is not the image of marriage and cohabitation with another I want to give them. But I want them to have their father as equally as they have me, when they can.
So then I start to fall back into my old cycle of, "well, I can just put on the happy face and pretend that we are just one happy family and try to make that work for the good of the children--it's what he wants, too, and I'm the only one who loses out that way, so really everyone else will gain if I just sacrifice what I want, so why should I be so selfish?"
And then I remember how much trying to live the false life for so long knocked me into such a horrible funk that I don't want to revisit that dark place again. I need to be true to me. But why at such a price? Where is the line?
So that's where I am, folks. Ping-ponging worse than any politician could ever be accused of, trying to figure out what is best for everyone. I have always factored in, perhaps too strongly, the lives-feelings-issues-etc. of others in my decisions, unable to do anything just for me.
But I'm a mother. "Just for me" is no longer allowed.
martes, 19 de agosto de 2008
domingo, 17 de agosto de 2008
friends with benefits?
A girlfriend and I sat around on a lazy Friday afternoon, having opened up some dark chocolate, Neufchatel cheese and a bottle of Cabernet; and we decided to start solving the world's problems.
The root, of which, is--of course, as always--sex. Or the lack thereof.
"On Oprah a few days ago a sexologist was on. I should have called you. She was talking about the newest thing for people in their 40s, 50s, 60s..."
-Yeah, I hear even the retirement homes are hopping now!
(snicker) "Uh-huh. She said that having a "friend with benefits" is proving to be a healthy release for lots of people. She even has one herself."
-Great!
Thinking, of course: Where do I sign up?
"I don't know, though. How do they get around the emotions? How don't they get attached?"
-Evidently it's possible.
And I took another long sip of Cab.
*----*
I had long believed that my developing a relationship like this with another, on a purely-sexual, no-deep-emotional-attachment level could have saved my marriage, just to have the human need of physical contact and sexual energy fulfilled. This is, in our society, unacceptable and considered infidelity if the marriage is not outright defined an open marriage. Thinking it through past the initial excitement of suggestion, however, I realize a great part of sex can be the emotional vínculo, the bond and trust between the two individuals that can, ideally, carry into other aspects of the relationship. Is it possible to simply have sex as "fun"...and have it remain fun? Or is "love" required to make it fun? I guess the answer depends on the individual. However, those issues have played a great part of why my marriage has not, in fact, worked out: my basic intimately-physical and intimately-emotional needs have never been met. There is an absolute lack of chemistry in the bedroom and lack of desire to work to learn how to make it work.
I suppose it is merely frustrating to me to realize that my prime is rapidly passing me by while I cohabitate with an individual that does not even know where certain key pleasure-filled nerve endings exist on a female--and I have given up trying to teach someone who insists "I know what I'm doing." And ending up in tears after every single coupling due to needs not having been met, him leaving to shower off immediately as if my essence were too 'dirty' for him, I came to realize that I deserve to feel better than that. I deserve to have had an orgasm in my marriage. Even one would have been nice. I deserve not to have to do all the work all the time.
I would rather abstain than feel so frustrated, so this is where that decision of over two years ago leaves me.
Don't ask what I was thinking when we initally got together ten years ago. You'll dope-slap me for having been so naive.
The question:
Could you have a bonding and a friendship with a sex-friend (that's what this is called in Japan; yes, of course there are names for this world-wide, cross-cultural phenomenon) that neither individual would want to extend to economics, raising children, medical issues, fixing the home, and the other menial duties required of a live-in mate? Is it indeed possible, now that we are in our 30s, 40s--mid-life arenas with other areas of our lives being fulfilled--to draw a line...and remain on one side of that line without possessiveness, jealousy and all those other evils setting in?
Here's the link to the short article write-up of the Oprah broadcast that featured this topic.
The root, of which, is--of course, as always--sex. Or the lack thereof.
"On Oprah a few days ago a sexologist was on. I should have called you. She was talking about the newest thing for people in their 40s, 50s, 60s..."
-Yeah, I hear even the retirement homes are hopping now!
(snicker) "Uh-huh. She said that having a "friend with benefits" is proving to be a healthy release for lots of people. She even has one herself."
-Great!
Thinking, of course: Where do I sign up?
"I don't know, though. How do they get around the emotions? How don't they get attached?"
-Evidently it's possible.
And I took another long sip of Cab.
*----*
I had long believed that my developing a relationship like this with another, on a purely-sexual, no-deep-emotional-attachment level could have saved my marriage, just to have the human need of physical contact and sexual energy fulfilled. This is, in our society, unacceptable and considered infidelity if the marriage is not outright defined an open marriage. Thinking it through past the initial excitement of suggestion, however, I realize a great part of sex can be the emotional vínculo, the bond and trust between the two individuals that can, ideally, carry into other aspects of the relationship. Is it possible to simply have sex as "fun"...and have it remain fun? Or is "love" required to make it fun? I guess the answer depends on the individual. However, those issues have played a great part of why my marriage has not, in fact, worked out: my basic intimately-physical and intimately-emotional needs have never been met. There is an absolute lack of chemistry in the bedroom and lack of desire to work to learn how to make it work.
I suppose it is merely frustrating to me to realize that my prime is rapidly passing me by while I cohabitate with an individual that does not even know where certain key pleasure-filled nerve endings exist on a female--and I have given up trying to teach someone who insists "I know what I'm doing." And ending up in tears after every single coupling due to needs not having been met, him leaving to shower off immediately as if my essence were too 'dirty' for him, I came to realize that I deserve to feel better than that. I deserve to have had an orgasm in my marriage. Even one would have been nice. I deserve not to have to do all the work all the time.
I would rather abstain than feel so frustrated, so this is where that decision of over two years ago leaves me.
Don't ask what I was thinking when we initally got together ten years ago. You'll dope-slap me for having been so naive.
The question:
Could you have a bonding and a friendship with a sex-friend (that's what this is called in Japan; yes, of course there are names for this world-wide, cross-cultural phenomenon) that neither individual would want to extend to economics, raising children, medical issues, fixing the home, and the other menial duties required of a live-in mate? Is it indeed possible, now that we are in our 30s, 40s--mid-life arenas with other areas of our lives being fulfilled--to draw a line...and remain on one side of that line without possessiveness, jealousy and all those other evils setting in?
Here's the link to the short article write-up of the Oprah broadcast that featured this topic.
sábado, 16 de agosto de 2008
dreaming big
La Princesita looked at me very seriously.
"Mama, I want to be a scientist."
-Uh-huh. You can do whatever you want to do.
"But I also want to be a teacher."
-That shouldn't be a problem.
"But I also want to be one of those people who do things on a stage."
-An actress? Sure. You can do that.
I was starting to believe that this was going to be one of THOSE conversations. Of the *endless* kind.
"But I also want to be one of those people who talk on the TV in front of a camera."
-Okay.
"Mama, can I do all of that?"
She looked worried. Stressed. A six and a half-year old ought not look so stressed.
Okay, time to actually pay attention and apply myself.
-Sure, dear. Let's see...you can be a marine biologist who teaches students ...and you videotape your lessons so that others can watch them on the TV or the computer so they can learn from you.
The stress in her beautiful face broke into a big smile.
"Thanks, Mama. I knew you could figure it out. That is exactly what I want to be!"
May I always have the answers for her.
May she always dream big.
"Mama, I want to be a scientist."
-Uh-huh. You can do whatever you want to do.
"But I also want to be a teacher."
-That shouldn't be a problem.
"But I also want to be one of those people who do things on a stage."
-An actress? Sure. You can do that.
I was starting to believe that this was going to be one of THOSE conversations. Of the *endless* kind.
"But I also want to be one of those people who talk on the TV in front of a camera."
-Okay.
"Mama, can I do all of that?"
She looked worried. Stressed. A six and a half-year old ought not look so stressed.
Okay, time to actually pay attention and apply myself.
-Sure, dear. Let's see...you can be a marine biologist who teaches students ...and you videotape your lessons so that others can watch them on the TV or the computer so they can learn from you.
The stress in her beautiful face broke into a big smile.
"Thanks, Mama. I knew you could figure it out. That is exactly what I want to be!"
May I always have the answers for her.
May she always dream big.
viernes, 15 de agosto de 2008
facebook addiction
I have become a Facebook Junkie this week.
It is easy to become lured into the lineage of ex-classmates, ex-boyfriends, ex-roommates, ex-stand partners (I was an orchestra nerd--violinist, to be exact) and a plethora of other exes that dominate this attempt to reconnect after 5-10-20 years of not having spoken, emailed or seen each other.
At the same time, the connections made are extremely gratifying.
Some work in toy stores. Others with movies in Hollywood. Everyone is finding their way, following what they have discovered to be their bliss, reveling in their children/pets/homes/travels/etc. and are equally enthused about this sudden resurgence in interest in what "the popular kids" or "the geeks" or "the nerds"...what have you...have become in Life. The barriers have dissolved; it is almost like the 20 year reunion occuring virtually, with pictures and a few video clips to boot.
Better than the 20th, however, is the fact that I can see my friends' other connections, if they so permit in their privacy settings. The diverse paths that the Friends List take tell a lot about each person, where they have been, whose lives they have impacted and how each have been influenced to become the individual we all now are.
Some are single, some searching, some married, and my relationship status is listed as "complicated." It is a part of being true to myself. Why should I have anything to hide or be ashamed of? I feel need to admit I am human, daring to take a step further than the virtual reality of Facebook-- a class reunion weekend, whatever--would necessarily permit to be seen.
I loaded pictures and have found great joy in the photos of others' travels, children, fun times. I am enjoying this experience...yet not at all missing my schooling years. I am at peace with who I have become, and these people all played their part in creating the Me that I am now.
And I am learning that, evidently, I am not the only one yearning to feel a connection to that from whence I came. That reassurance, in itself, is comforting.
It is easy to become lured into the lineage of ex-classmates, ex-boyfriends, ex-roommates, ex-stand partners (I was an orchestra nerd--violinist, to be exact) and a plethora of other exes that dominate this attempt to reconnect after 5-10-20 years of not having spoken, emailed or seen each other.
At the same time, the connections made are extremely gratifying.
Some work in toy stores. Others with movies in Hollywood. Everyone is finding their way, following what they have discovered to be their bliss, reveling in their children/pets/homes/travels/etc. and are equally enthused about this sudden resurgence in interest in what "the popular kids" or "the geeks" or "the nerds"...what have you...have become in Life. The barriers have dissolved; it is almost like the 20 year reunion occuring virtually, with pictures and a few video clips to boot.
Better than the 20th, however, is the fact that I can see my friends' other connections, if they so permit in their privacy settings. The diverse paths that the Friends List take tell a lot about each person, where they have been, whose lives they have impacted and how each have been influenced to become the individual we all now are.
Some are single, some searching, some married, and my relationship status is listed as "complicated." It is a part of being true to myself. Why should I have anything to hide or be ashamed of? I feel need to admit I am human, daring to take a step further than the virtual reality of Facebook-- a class reunion weekend, whatever--would necessarily permit to be seen.
I loaded pictures and have found great joy in the photos of others' travels, children, fun times. I am enjoying this experience...yet not at all missing my schooling years. I am at peace with who I have become, and these people all played their part in creating the Me that I am now.
And I am learning that, evidently, I am not the only one yearning to feel a connection to that from whence I came. That reassurance, in itself, is comforting.
jueves, 14 de agosto de 2008
words escape me
Thunder rolls overhead, the western sky black as night while the sun still shines over my little piece of existence. We have played hard, ran errands, completed tasks and are now ready to fill our tummies with fresh samples from the garden. The cherry tomatoes flood our mouths with a bittersweet juice as our teeth pierce their skins, and the peppers crunch delightfully, enjoying their hummus bath previous to being devoured.
I have worked hard, focused hard, trying to make this first draft as perfect as possible and that has left me with little energies left to create; instead I would rather spend my relaxing moments aimlessly pointing my mouse in random directions and clicking on whatever strikes my fancy. I have made some purchases, reconnected with very old friends and continue to read all blogs to which I normally subscribe while taking moments to follow some links here and there and discover the magic in others' self-expression as well.
Life is okay right now. Nothing special. My soy-free chocolate should arrive in the mail any day now, which will up Life's points a bit. The darkness has now overtaken the light over my house; I can smell the rain coming. The thunder comes closer, almost a constant roll. It calms me today; maybe I can let the rain wash my indifference away.
I have worked hard, focused hard, trying to make this first draft as perfect as possible and that has left me with little energies left to create; instead I would rather spend my relaxing moments aimlessly pointing my mouse in random directions and clicking on whatever strikes my fancy. I have made some purchases, reconnected with very old friends and continue to read all blogs to which I normally subscribe while taking moments to follow some links here and there and discover the magic in others' self-expression as well.
Life is okay right now. Nothing special. My soy-free chocolate should arrive in the mail any day now, which will up Life's points a bit. The darkness has now overtaken the light over my house; I can smell the rain coming. The thunder comes closer, almost a constant roll. It calms me today; maybe I can let the rain wash my indifference away.
lunes, 11 de agosto de 2008
teeth
La Princesita finally pulled Tooth #3 out last night.
This is the first tooth that the Tooth --um-- Llama has been able to capture, as Tooth #1 and Tooth #2 were lost. Literally.
The Tooth --um-- Llama Demands Results! (She's a trite type-A.) I guess the third time was the charm.
Tooth #4 isn't--well, shouldn't be--too far behind. La Princesita prefers to let Nature take its course, however, and the teeth are hanging by a single excrutiatingly-loose thread before she will finally take matters into her own hands.
All this thinking about our dental health got me thinking about teeth, and all kinds of interesting facts have come to mind:
1. Did you know that snails have over 25,000 teeth? And they are on the snail's tongue!
2. Elephants have six sets of teeth.
3. In México, the Tooth Fairy is the Tooth Mouse. A bit more verosimil...is there such word in English? That's what I get for blogging in English while watching Univisión. hmmm (thinking) ah!...A bit more...plausible...yep, that's the word...if you ask me. I would imagine a mouse in my house before a fairy in my lair-y. Yeah. Anyhow, I wonder if, in some countries, there is a Tooth Cucaracha. The Tooth Ratoncito ...sometimes called el Ratoncito Pérez (there's a story, I'll tell if asked!)...does leave a little treasure as well.
4. The words for dental floss in Spanish, hilo dental, is what those smooth latinos call a G-string. Don't ask how I know that.
Okay, this post is going places I did not intend. Don't you forget to brush and, um, floss tonight!
ADDENDUM: Tooth 4 came out last night. This Tooth-llama is going broke!
This is the first tooth that the Tooth --um-- Llama has been able to capture, as Tooth #1 and Tooth #2 were lost. Literally.
The Tooth --um-- Llama Demands Results! (She's a trite type-A.) I guess the third time was the charm.
Tooth #4 isn't--well, shouldn't be--too far behind. La Princesita prefers to let Nature take its course, however, and the teeth are hanging by a single excrutiatingly-loose thread before she will finally take matters into her own hands.
All this thinking about our dental health got me thinking about teeth, and all kinds of interesting facts have come to mind:
1. Did you know that snails have over 25,000 teeth? And they are on the snail's tongue!
2. Elephants have six sets of teeth.
3. In México, the Tooth Fairy is the Tooth Mouse. A bit more verosimil...is there such word in English? That's what I get for blogging in English while watching Univisión. hmmm (thinking) ah!...A bit more...plausible...yep, that's the word...if you ask me. I would imagine a mouse in my house before a fairy in my lair-y. Yeah. Anyhow, I wonder if, in some countries, there is a Tooth Cucaracha. The Tooth Ratoncito ...sometimes called el Ratoncito Pérez (there's a story, I'll tell if asked!)...does leave a little treasure as well.
4. The words for dental floss in Spanish, hilo dental, is what those smooth latinos call a G-string. Don't ask how I know that.
Okay, this post is going places I did not intend. Don't you forget to brush and, um, floss tonight!
ADDENDUM: Tooth 4 came out last night. This Tooth-llama is going broke!
domingo, 10 de agosto de 2008
blessed
In the Mid-Atlantic, we are currently being blessed with weather reminiscent of early fall. This is unheard of in August, when we usually are drenched with sweat from the high humidity and temperatures that soar our heat indices to 100-110º that create code red air quality days.
This means that, instead of being a "good llama" and sitting at my computer to finish what I had put out to finish this month, I have been outside, reveling in the weather, playing hooky and refreshing my soul.
I finally got to the gym. I rode my bike down, did my weights, made my 3 mile run on the elliptical in 20:55...finally just under a 7 minute mile without the impact that my knee can no longer take.
La Princesita and I took a nice bicycle ride yesterday, home from a local Asian festival that occurs this time each year. Normally it is too hot and humid to really enjoy such outdoor fetes, but this year is different. On our bike trek home we saw two groundhogs, a gorgeous fawn with spots, a toad with orange spots, and numerous butterflies: cloudless sulphers, black and tiger swallowtails and cabbage were the majority. We talked. We had a great time. She is such a joy to spend time with. Although my rear end is killing me..Bony Butt needs a cushioned bike seat.
Later yesterday evening she and I went out to Boost the Local Economy. As The Young Prince's birthday is at the end of the month, she wanted to find his birthday present. The Bat-mobile was not inexpensive--but the BatMask ended up being free on some sort of unadvertised promotion. We also found Mama Llama a couple new pairs of super-comfy-but-still-stylin' shoes because my hooves have really started to hurt; Mama Llama must be gettin' old. A new baseball mit for Mama Llama, as the monitos are starting to enjoy playing catch; particularly La Princesita has an arm that is a killer if you try to catch her throws bare-handed.
From my garden I harvested a load of tomatoes, two big ones and lots of cherry tomatoes, then packed some up for our next-door neighbors. A red pepper, more yellow squash, a pumpkin and two small orange pumpkin gourds. A little early, but they are ripe and ready to come off, and I do not want any little critters getting to them and destroying my little garden. I have two more pumpkins, at least, out there turning orange. All these pumpkins were "oops" from the mulch I spread from my kitchen compost last year. The tomatoes are all from seed from tomato plants the year before. Not too shabby!
I would actually love to dedicate today to the garden. Maybe I can run down to the Depot and check out their rock to see if I can finish the mini-retaining wall around the rest of the left side of the driveway. I can probably get there and back before anyone wakes up and beat the rush!
So there you have it: my excuses for not posting. I am unsure as to how long this too-good-to-be-true weather can actually last, so along with everyone else in the region I am trying to take full advantage of it!
This means that, instead of being a "good llama" and sitting at my computer to finish what I had put out to finish this month, I have been outside, reveling in the weather, playing hooky and refreshing my soul.
I finally got to the gym. I rode my bike down, did my weights, made my 3 mile run on the elliptical in 20:55...finally just under a 7 minute mile without the impact that my knee can no longer take.
La Princesita and I took a nice bicycle ride yesterday, home from a local Asian festival that occurs this time each year. Normally it is too hot and humid to really enjoy such outdoor fetes, but this year is different. On our bike trek home we saw two groundhogs, a gorgeous fawn with spots, a toad with orange spots, and numerous butterflies: cloudless sulphers, black and tiger swallowtails and cabbage were the majority. We talked. We had a great time. She is such a joy to spend time with. Although my rear end is killing me..Bony Butt needs a cushioned bike seat.
Later yesterday evening she and I went out to Boost the Local Economy. As The Young Prince's birthday is at the end of the month, she wanted to find his birthday present. The Bat-mobile was not inexpensive--but the BatMask ended up being free on some sort of unadvertised promotion. We also found Mama Llama a couple new pairs of super-comfy-but-still-stylin' shoes because my hooves have really started to hurt; Mama Llama must be gettin' old. A new baseball mit for Mama Llama, as the monitos are starting to enjoy playing catch; particularly La Princesita has an arm that is a killer if you try to catch her throws bare-handed.
From my garden I harvested a load of tomatoes, two big ones and lots of cherry tomatoes, then packed some up for our next-door neighbors. A red pepper, more yellow squash, a pumpkin and two small orange pumpkin gourds. A little early, but they are ripe and ready to come off, and I do not want any little critters getting to them and destroying my little garden. I have two more pumpkins, at least, out there turning orange. All these pumpkins were "oops" from the mulch I spread from my kitchen compost last year. The tomatoes are all from seed from tomato plants the year before. Not too shabby!
I would actually love to dedicate today to the garden. Maybe I can run down to the Depot and check out their rock to see if I can finish the mini-retaining wall around the rest of the left side of the driveway. I can probably get there and back before anyone wakes up and beat the rush!
So there you have it: my excuses for not posting. I am unsure as to how long this too-good-to-be-true weather can actually last, so along with everyone else in the region I am trying to take full advantage of it!
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