brutal honesty

He emails today with information regarding a co-op living arrangement. Costs would come to about $800-900/month, all inclusive. He would have his own room, but share the living space with other individuals and families. Children are permitted to stay. Location is a hip, Berkeley-esque area of this particular metropolitan area, although crime is notably high there as well.

Hence begin the myriad of feelings in which I am currently swimming. Bear with me; I know how I sound. I just need to get it all out.

1. The thought that had me almost to tears in the consideration of this possibility is the fact that this would be seriously detrimental to the time he would get to have with his children. Overnights during the week would be impossible as he would be incapable (unless he develops some fantastic form of time travel) of getting from there to this area for school drop-offs. I could not permit and would not want him to have the children every single weekend; not only do I deserve a weekend or two a month, he should also be allowed "down time". And the children need his presence.

2. I know that living in a co-op situation is a wonderful thing for many people. I cannot see how that would work necessarily for him, however. The last time he lived with many different people who had their own quarters and common areas was as the commanding officer on a ship; he had peons to do his dirty work for him and didn't have to contribute to the common good. In a co-op all responsibilities are shared and divided equally. He would, this way, have meals ready for him most of the time, so that would be a good thing for him. But he would also have to reciprocate, not only in the kitchen but also in the cleaning and upkeep, etc. Perhaps that would be good for him. Perhaps that would draw him out of living in his own little room. I would think that it would be very hard to go from a house on 1/3 acre to merely having a room, however, that isn't even an efficiency apartment.

2.5. Breaking it down, it is still beyond our means, and he believes we should wait to do this until the children are both in full-time school and I can pursue full-time pay and my own benefits. I think that, with sacrifices, it would be a step--maybe not a permanent step but a first step--and will define if and how this is to work.

3. I then start to think, erroneously, that all will be okay here and that we can just continue on as is. We can get along fine as long as we don't overdo it on the time spent in the same room. I find it much easier to be nice, even sit and talk or smile and be friendly now that I know we are on the same page. I want something better for him. I know I am hurting him. But in thinking this I forget about how much I have been hurt, how much I have been forgotten and merely pushed aside, and I know that we will never again have a life as a "couple" again; we will never return to intimacy. Is this fair to the children, in the end, to see two people, however civilly living together but not practicing any degree of intimacy? Is this healthy? This is not the image of marriage and cohabitation with another I want to give them. But I want them to have their father as equally as they have me, when they can.

So then I start to fall back into my old cycle of, "well, I can just put on the happy face and pretend that we are just one happy family and try to make that work for the good of the children--it's what he wants, too, and I'm the only one who loses out that way, so really everyone else will gain if I just sacrifice what I want, so why should I be so selfish?"

And then I remember how much trying to live the false life for so long knocked me into such a horrible funk that I don't want to revisit that dark place again. I need to be true to me. But why at such a price? Where is the line?

So that's where I am, folks. Ping-ponging worse than any politician could ever be accused of, trying to figure out what is best for everyone. I have always factored in, perhaps too strongly, the lives-feelings-issues-etc. of others in my decisions, unable to do anything just for me.

But I'm a mother. "Just for me" is no longer allowed.