A girlfriend and I sat around on a lazy Friday afternoon, having opened up some dark chocolate, Neufchatel cheese and a bottle of Cabernet; and we decided to start solving the world's problems.
The root, of which, is--of course, as always--sex. Or the lack thereof.
"On Oprah a few days ago a sexologist was on. I should have called you. She was talking about the newest thing for people in their 40s, 50s, 60s..."
-Yeah, I hear even the retirement homes are hopping now!
(snicker) "Uh-huh. She said that having a "friend with benefits" is proving to be a healthy release for lots of people. She even has one herself."
-Great!
Thinking, of course: Where do I sign up?
"I don't know, though. How do they get around the emotions? How don't they get attached?"
-Evidently it's possible.
And I took another long sip of Cab.
*----*
I had long believed that my developing a relationship like this with another, on a purely-sexual, no-deep-emotional-attachment level could have saved my marriage, just to have the human need of physical contact and sexual energy fulfilled. This is, in our society, unacceptable and considered infidelity if the marriage is not outright defined an open marriage. Thinking it through past the initial excitement of suggestion, however, I realize a great part of sex can be the emotional vínculo, the bond and trust between the two individuals that can, ideally, carry into other aspects of the relationship. Is it possible to simply have sex as "fun"...and have it remain fun? Or is "love" required to make it fun? I guess the answer depends on the individual. However, those issues have played a great part of why my marriage has not, in fact, worked out: my basic intimately-physical and intimately-emotional needs have never been met. There is an absolute lack of chemistry in the bedroom and lack of desire to work to learn how to make it work.
I suppose it is merely frustrating to me to realize that my prime is rapidly passing me by while I cohabitate with an individual that does not even know where certain key pleasure-filled nerve endings exist on a female--and I have given up trying to teach someone who insists "I know what I'm doing." And ending up in tears after every single coupling due to needs not having been met, him leaving to shower off immediately as if my essence were too 'dirty' for him, I came to realize that I deserve to feel better than that. I deserve to have had an orgasm in my marriage. Even one would have been nice. I deserve not to have to do all the work all the time.
I would rather abstain than feel so frustrated, so this is where that decision of over two years ago leaves me.
Don't ask what I was thinking when we initally got together ten years ago. You'll dope-slap me for having been so naive.
The question:
Could you have a bonding and a friendship with a sex-friend (that's what this is called in Japan; yes, of course there are names for this world-wide, cross-cultural phenomenon) that neither individual would want to extend to economics, raising children, medical issues, fixing the home, and the other menial duties required of a live-in mate? Is it indeed possible, now that we are in our 30s, 40s--mid-life arenas with other areas of our lives being fulfilled--to draw a line...and remain on one side of that line without possessiveness, jealousy and all those other evils setting in?
Here's the link to the short article write-up of the Oprah broadcast that featured this topic.
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Dear Mapi,
ResponderEliminarHaving a friend with benefits is easier than setting an emotional relationship, but be aware of its emotional complications, at the end everyhting depends on how you relate sex to love. In fact, I strongly believe that having sex for just physical fullfilment without involving yourself in a emotional relationship may actually hurt you deeply inside, getting you to feel much more lonely at the of the story. Believe me, as you surely know, there is a huge difference between just having sex than making love, so thimk about it. Best of luck. KS
I probably shouldn't answer this, but it is something that was explored during my marriage. Obviously, I'm not married anymore.
ResponderEliminarI do not think it is possible. Actually I know it isn't possible for me. But who am I to say it isn't for others?
I did go outside of my marriage for sexual and emotional fulfillment. I didn't plan to but it was very fulfilling to me. I felt the happiest in my marriage when I was seemingly in love with two different men. It was difficult at times, however, because I do tend to feel emotions once actual penetration occurs. It was confusing because I loved my husband and felt satisfied when he was around but he traveled extensively and I needed more. Then when I was with the other man, I felt loved and happy but confused because he too was married and we couldn't be together. (Whew! Just thinking about that time in my life overwhelms me.)
ResponderEliminarMy husband(now ex) and I had discussed the possibility of an open marriage prior to my affair and thus when I finally told my husband, he didn't seem hurt nor surprised. It wasn't until much later... after deciding against the open marriage, having children and his infidelity that he admitted how hurt he actually was. I thought open marriage was a good idea but I suppose it takes two mature adults who are completely honest with themselves and each other.
FWB? I've tried that and again, I ended up feeling much more and I think it was because in the end, I wanted much more.
I could have sex everyday if I wanted to. (My soldier says, "Of course you could. You're a girl.") And I am quite the amorous girl right now! (See my latest post)
However I know me. I'm the type of girl who needs depth and connection. It took some time and experience but I'm happy I know that about myself now.
Anonymous, that is very true. I am an extremely emotional person; for me, that type of arrangement would not last long. It is an interesting question to ponder. I wonder if men *tend to* (hesitant to draw too many stereotypes here) feel freer in open marriages than women do, for that basic reason?
ResponderEliminarZ, I can't help but think that open marriages wouldn't work. I wonder if this sexologist is married...I tend to doubt it.
T, I think that you hit the nail on the head when you say it comes down to knowing yourself. Perhaps those searching so hard are still in the process of finding themselves? And perhaps I am the one who has completely missed the point. But it is an interesting question to ponder nonetheless.
Refreshing comments. Be well, all.
Some people are black and white in thinking, while others are all the shades of gray. I am the later. To love another outside of my committed relationship comes naturally to me. I've never loved two people in the same way. I choose to be committed to this person. I believe we all have the capacity to love others without it necessarily trampling on our commitments. For me, communication is key.
ResponderEliminarI also take myself to seriously.
sex? what on earth is sex?
ResponderEliminarIt hasn't been around here for almost 2 years.
Mapi,
ResponderEliminarI've read and read this post. I honestly don't think I could do the "open marriage" thing. Sex for me is such an emotional thing, that I can't just do it and roll over and say see you later. I become almost instantly emotionally involved. I think that is one of the biggest issues I have going on in my own marriage right now, besides the obvious, is that I feel no real emotional connection with him. I love him, but emotionally, I am alone. So to answer your question again, no, not my cup of tea.
You hang in there baby.
Brad: You said, "I believe we all have the capacity to love others without it necessarily trampling on our commitments." I like that a lot, and that sums up how I feel, as I am an extremely outgoing and open person with my feelings. Just because I feel love (basic human emotion) for someone, however, does not mean I want him in my bed. Some people do not get that.
ResponderEliminarWindy--HA!
OC--Being emotionally alone is hard, too. I married a really nice guy who lives in his own world. Then, just after we married--boom, Dad died. Then we moved away (like, Nordic Country away, not Across Town away) and he ignored my presence. We didn't have anything when in Northern Europe, not even health insurance or a home to return to in the States, and I became pregnant and was in crisis. Then I got back to my home but had to move Across Country away from my family and friends again. Then I lost a baby. Then we were in The Accident--my injuries were internal and emotional while he broke his back. This is the course of 7 years. Then, emotionally, I fell completely apart--although he is still "here" (physical presence) he never has been understanding of all the loss I felt and was emotionally so detached from me that I never felt more alone than during my "married" years. Try to throw a sex life into that mix and all you've got is a mere act.
I need more. I know how good it can be with the right person.
Be well, all.
For me, a friend with benefits DOES have some emotional attachment. That's why I like having ONE friend with benefits - i.e., a lover - rather than a string of one night stands with multiple partners.
ResponderEliminarIs my FWB a girlfriend? No. When I had an FWB we respectfully got together for conversation, drinks, and sex. We cared about each other, but we left it at that. No messy complications involving the household, kids, vacation time, etc.
It's not the greatest situation, but it made us both feel good when we were together.
"I know what I'm doing." That very problem made me end a relationship almost as soon as it got started. Any man who can't accept a little direction needs to just be alone with his hand.
ResponderEliminarI think it's possible to have a good sex relationship wihtout the deep emotional connection, but that in the long run it would be unsatusfying. For me anyway - call me selfish, but I want both.