other people's children

It is inevitable that, as children get older, their friends will come over to play.

I welcome their presence in this house. I love to hear my little monkeys at cooperative play, solving problems on their own without requiring a helicopter parent (which I consider myself very much not) monitoring and refereeing each moment of interaction. And I like to provide children with a "safe" and trustworthy place to hang, especially as the kids get older.

My poor old house has lately taken the brunt of playtime with friends, however. Now, I like to think that I do not maintain things at breaking point; if I see something in the home that needs to be fixed, I do try to repair, if I know how to, instead of leaving it to further degrade only to have to buy something new soon...

The kids' father is like that; don't lift a finger for upkeep, then spend tons to buy new. That is why I feel like this house will rot out from under me with him here, living in the basement. But that's another story.

In the past few playdates at my house, the venetian blinds in La Princesita's bedroom were pulled off the wall and the wand broken; the pull-chain on her ceiling fan light was pulled off; I saw children on the bed of the Young Prince's room ready to, as was described to me, "jump" to the ceiling fan pullchain to turn it on (and rip it out of the ceiling in the process??); the screen on the door that I installed on the back door pushed through, which is almost impossible to put back in. La Princesita and I had completed about 1/4 of a 500 piece puzzle on a table set up from the floor, out of the main traffic thoroughfare and our work was completely destroyed by a four-year old that I guess I assumed would, by that age, know better. A child's chair has been broken and my front step thrown up on (I hope my kids don't catch that).

I can't say my monitos are perfect. Heavens knows they are not. But I suppose I am trying to raise them with an idea of how to treat things--everything, not just living things--with respect, and most especially things that are not theirs and that are in someone else's home. Doors need not be slammed to be closed. Help may be requested instead of pulling something off the wall and breaking it. I realize also that accidents do happen. I feel, however, that I have far exceeded my quota this year just in the past month.

And if my child feels sick, playdates are cancelled.

To the benefit of almost all these children, they have been completely honest in coming up to me and telling me exactly what happened. They are being raised learning the integrity of honesty and are ready to face consequences--which would not happen in my home, unless a window was broken perhaps, or a ceiling fan actually pulled OUT of the ceiling. And in such cases, obviously, the consequence would be the danger posed to the child.

I have heard stories of older children going onto the computers of my friends without asking prior permission. There is, in a general terms, a certain lack of common sense manners being taught at home. I, as an adult, would never even dream of going onto even my closest friends' computers without prior permission. That is a violation of personal space, and my children will not even turn on a television in someone else's home unless given permission, as in my home, to do so. And I have explained to them why the computers in the library are public and those in private homes are personal. I have had to turn off the television that playmates have felt at liberty to turn on, explaining that they are here to play and not watch the boob tube. True, I may be stricter regarding television-watching or computer-using rules than many other parents, but I also have two children who can figure out how to entertain themselves without pacing the house saying how "boring" it is here and how much s/he wants to go home.

Then go. Please. May I call your mom to have her come get you?

I am starting to wonder if I must have either completely different standards regarding the activity levels and the things I require my children to do to be gentle to this old house, or if my house is otherwise in a state of disrepair such that the same level of activity in their own homes does not result in creating the havoc that is wrecked in my home. Do I have so few activities to offer children to do that it is "boring" here? New friends seem to feel that way; old friends who know my home never seem to have problems finding things to do.

I remember rarely having people during my childhood inside my home to play with. I would play inside other people's houses, but I never played host. Now that the weather is cooler and the bug population will start to decline, the children can play outside safely, but in dry Southern Oregon we played outside all summer without worries of being bug-sprayed, ticks, West Nile and the myriad of other worries we have to face in this humid summer environment. When reflecting, however, I can't help believing that my mother did not want the same things happening to her home that I have had to deal with this summer, just for wanting to do things differently than she ever did.

Does this mean that I will change my ways? No, it is my house and the responsibility of those visiting my house to respect my way of doing things. Cleaning up is nice but not a huge deal. I just won't want my home more broken than it already is. I suppose I just need to better anticipate needs/wants/desires and make it crystal clear what is and is not permitted, at risk of sounding strict.

Although I am certain that there will be something else broken that I had never foreseen, much like the venetian blind fiasco, just to keep me on my toes.

Unpredictability is a good thing, right?

Oh...p.s....I feel in a bad mood today for no particular reason, thus my rants seem to flow much more freely. Perhaps with a bit of coffee, maybe some chocolate, my outlook on the day will brighten.