I don't really know how..

So we talked. As he looked at me with the "HUH?" look when I asked him tonight if he was taking the kids tomorrow as his day, I told him this is not working.

Of course, in the flow of the rather one-sided conversation we had, which included me telling him that my mother offered to sell me her house but that I don't feel that is fair to him or to the kids, we still cannot come to the conclusion to separate residences because, frankly, neither of us can afford to do so where we live. We just don't have the resources. So I said that we need to lay some ground rules, with an end focus on being separate residences. He agreed.

I said that, when he does not have responsibility of the children, that he may come and go as he pleases without "checking in" with me; in the case I were to need to contact him in an emergency, I have his cell number. Likewise, I said, I expect the same respect. I told him I want to be as liberal as possible regarding allowing him time with the children, that I don't want to be regarded as the "gatekeeper." That's not healthy for any of us. However, I can't have him expecting to have the kids at a moment's notice without a bit of previous notice. Thanks to considerations expressed over at Dad's House, I have made sure he is on every email list regarding children's schools and activities. I told him I cannot be held responsible for remembering every single detail, then held at fault if I forget something. He and I need to communicate regarding PTA, sports, and other events, which he would like to attend and which I would--and that I would be flexible if his work won't permit something in which he had previously expressed interest. Conversely, I told him that I respect his need to NOT have the children every waking minute he is not at work, and that we need to communicate regarding "off" time as well. We all need down/alone time--including me--and I need him to express to me, weekly, when he plans to take his down time vs. when he wants to have the children.

While living under the same roof, this is hard. I told him I don't feel this is good for the kids because they can't perceive well the separation we are trying to impose. But I told him that little things need to change to help this in their minds: for example, when he has them, that he is in charge of fulfilling their needs, that I am simply "not accessible". For a time, perhaps, I need to leave the house while he has his "days" with them if they are at home. But we ought to ensure that there is no confusion in their minds as to who is taking care of them that day--and maybe we need to tell them explicitly each day so that they know.

I told him I have no desire to ban him from activities that I do with the kids. If I'm coaching softball, he can certainly come to watch La Princesita play. He needs to be as involved as possible in their lives, whether or not I am involved in any given activity. I need to work on being more civil and less evasive. We need to sit down once a week and write down on the calendar who is with the kids when. Period. Like business. And consider it good practice and working toward two separate families.

So that is the gist of tonight's conversation, perhaps the most we have spoken in a good six months. I have a pain in my chest--must be stress. It is stressful having to always be the one to talk. I told him that he needs to tell me when he has something to arrange with me, and we can go to the dining room or kitchen ("neutral" areas) and talk about it. I could use a shot of something strong about now.

I also recommended the book (another Dad's House plug!) "Mom's House, Dad's House" to him for reading. I am reading it now, taking it little by little and letting ideas digest--it's not the kind of reading you can simply devour in a day like a novel. I think that being on somewhat of the same page will benefit us both and the children the most.

Most importantly, I told him I am willing to work to do whatever to make this as easy on all of us as possible. Will it be easy? Hell, no. Do I think I can make this work? Hopefully, it won't be all "me" but a "we" that will make this arrangement work for now...and better than before. I don't know, but at least it is out in the open that I think we need to separate residences as soon as financially possible.