spring exertion

It is in the 75/23 degree range today and Life is soooooooo good. K actually walked the 1.5 mile/2.5km trek all the way to preschool this morning...maybe I will make a walking partner out of her yet! I was truly impressed with her high energy and willingness to go without a stroller this morning. This, of course, assisted by the fact the C could stay home with Daddy. It ended up being really nice girl time.

I walked, with stroller this time and C in tow, back to get her this afternoon, then we spent a couple hours over at S's house, had lunch, worshipped the Sun God for about 20 minutes then trekked back home. It is so liberating to finally be able to get out of the house and walk without freezing to death like last week.

I do love Spring...and I do not mean to rub it in to those upon whose doorsteps Spring has not yet arrived. When we are drenched in our high-humidity this summer, you will then be happy!

spring has sprung...

Spring has sprung with flowers fair
zephyrs rare,
And a joy that knows no care...

I sang that as a child in choir and always recall those words at this time of the year.

The chill of winter is melting away today, it is supposed to be a beautiful day today and tomorrow. I can't wait to take the children to the playground.

Maybe I can even wear a mini-skirt to work tonight. At least my knees are no longer so black-and-blue and swollen.

I have four recommendations to finish for study abroad scholarships and a couple more details to iron out for tonight's classes. (Personal shout-out here: GO MASON!!! FINAL FOUR!..okay, so OBVIOUSLY I am just dreaming about living in the Land of Hanalei--who wouldn't?--but I have to demonstrate a little pride for my "little commuter school"...my students sure are excited! I guess Good Morning America is going to be there tomorrow morning...)

yawwwwwwwwwn Up way too late last night and up way too early this morning...do I hear Buckies' iced mocha calling out for me this morning?

Okay...personal for a moment...

Thank you for the prayers, the thoughts, the kindnesses. It all helps. The flashbacks have not stopped but are getting farther apart. The onset of Spring helps me to be more thankful and less bitter.

...and there is so much for which to be thankful...

...and yes, I do include chocolate and wine on that list.

physical healing

Yesterday was as if somebody had flipped The Master Switch and my body was back on-line again. I felt like I was operating at about 90% of normal again and it felt great! I can breathe again, I can carry my son, I can walk at a normal pace, I can talk at my volume in class, I can cough and sneeze, I can turn my neck, and I even had a workout this morning. I could feel the pull a bit in my chest while rowing, but it was not excrutiating. Progress is definitely being made.

The physical healing will assist with the emotional, I know this. It is hard to start to reconcile events while feeling so physically incapable of doing so.

My scars are healing. It is time to smile again!

la primavera

Good days and bad days.

I am ready to have more good ones than bad ones now, but the ratio is not yet in my favor. Going to work was a wonderful release last week, although it does hurt to project my voice as normal. I can't reach as high on the blackboard as I am accustomed. Minor challenges, really.

A 30 minute coughing fit at 2 a.m. felt like it almost killed me. I have never known the pain and the fear caused by not being able to breathe for such a long period of time. I want to feel better now.

Why does Subaru offer their greatest deals and savings before March 31st this year? I know why, I am just complaining. I am not ready to go and even test-drive a new car yet--not for a couple more months, until MQE can drive again, too. Why bother until then?

A close friend is starting hearings this week, not in this country, in a case stemming from a past presidents' regime. Could face up to 9 years jail time, but is innocent. I have seen the legal paperwork; the case is all based in speculation, but judgment is in the hands of a corrupt system.

I know from another friend at the IMO in London that our friend in Malawi is trying to apply for a position with them, to get him and his family out of his tierra natal. I hope that something can be worked out. He at the IMO remains uncommittal.

It is hard when you care. Stressful. Sometimes I wonder why I bother when all I do is estresarme por completo.

Lots of memories flooding me all of a sudden this weekend of all those I have lost--I hope they are still watching over me and taking care of me. Were those the angels who saved our lives? No...the priest said that we can't become angels, it doesn't happen like that. As if a mortal alive here on Earth could actually determine how Angels are created by a Supreme Being.

I have been lost in a huge wave of nostalgia, very much missing those from whom I will never again hear and yet--wait--it is like I can hear that laugh, that voice right in my ears, still playing as if they are right behind me.

But I turn around and cry, they are not here.

I am ready for Spring. I want warm temperatures, flowers and soft earth into which I can plunge my fingers and grimy my fingernails and pull the weeds and begin to plant anew for the year.

That will make me feel better.

erasure

Trying to get the blood stains out of my clothes.

It is my favorite shirt, given to me by my friend. All the stains came out of all the other clothes but this one shirt, in which the faint yellow of the blood protein left a visible enough shadow to call in the power of peroxide.

So I dab and dab with wet washcloths, all the stains set into the soft blue cotton.

Vigorous vinegar rinse.

Throw it into the wash on cold.

Drip dry.

The stains are gone.

Does this mean I should feel better now?

Does this mean everything is going to be okay?

healing

Thank God for family and friends.

My brother-in-law, who was just here in January, has been a Godsend. G and his new wife S have been equally helpful, bringing a lot of life and laughter to our home. My friends here--P, S, L...have taken my children and I have not needed to worry about them in the least. For the kids, this --what do I call it? event? That seems neutral enough-- has been filled with goodies and sleepovers and cartoons, pop tarts for breakfast (they had never had pop tarts before now!), popsicles, rides in the police officer's squad car, lots of new toys and lots of attention. I suppose that is a good thing--perhaps the overwhelming emotional issues that follow such a trauma will, especially for my 4 year old, be offset by all the positive that has happened for her and it will not turn into such a horrible memory. She isn't afraid to get back into a car, and she does talk about the accident in her own words, and she even drew a picture. They were both held in their restraint systems so well that, even upside down, gravity did not get ahold of them so they did not fall anywhere except into my and MQE's arms when we got them out.

I am trying to wean myself off the medications I was given. I only took the narcotic a few times, which made me too woozy and I fell over too much, so I don't want to be on that anymore. One of the anti-inflammatories is giving me the shakes and making me drowsy, though, so I would like to get off of that as well. Perhaps this weekend.

When grabbing lunch the day MQE was discharged from the hospital, I saw a young lady come in. She looked at me and then pointed at her neck while talking to her boyfriend...then she came up to me and asked if I remembered her, that she had treated me and helped with the children in ER on that Saturday. I was so happy to see her. The ER staff do not get to have the luxury of seeing those they treat later on, and it was wonderful to be able to thank her and tell her exactly the blessing that she was to us that day, and to tell her boyfriend that she is a true angel, a daily hero who brings so much comfort to so many in need, and I was able to send my gratitude with her back to others who assisted us in ER that day.

My lacerations are healing, my soreness is starting to disappear, my bumps and bruises are less black-and-blue-and-purple. But, while trying to get blood stains out of my clothing yesterday, the memories of the horror flooded me and overwhelmed me and even though I am so tired of crying I can't seem to cease the sobs. I guess healing on all levels takes time. I just want to go on with Life now, but I can't yet. That's hard.

guardian angels

Never drive faster than your guardian angels can fly.

Horrible accident. Outside Nashville. 1:13 p.m. Excellent weather conditions, heavy traffic, possibly a heavy pocket of traffic.

Overtaking big white car, SUV? Pickup? Something big that did not see us on its left overtaking with traffic.

Oh God, it is coming into our lane.
Honk
HOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNK. I'm trying but they aren't responding.

THEY ARE GOING TO HIT US

Split second decision. Do I let them hit us where my baby is or swerve to miss. I could hit gravel, small shoulder, if I swerve, and I will lose control. WHAT DO I DO???????????????

I swerve.

We set off in a spin.
The only think I can think is relax relax relax relax relax the most relax people do not get hurt in auto accidents relax relax relax

spin spin spin
airbags inflate.
my sunglasses fall off
we are upside down
everything has stopped
flurry of motion we try to get out realizing we are upside down I am stuck in my seatbelt gotta keep my shoes on my window shattered as we landed so I crawl out of seatbelt and out of window I want my purse OH MY GOD someone is yelling FIRE THE CAR IS ON FIRE WE HAVE TO GET MY BABIES OUT I get K and MQE gets C somehow and we rush to a safe place.

They get the fire out, people holding me down saying I am terrible bruised on my neck and need to stay still. I hear MQE say his back hurts his back hurts and that he wants to sleep. We are separated I have the children they look bloody but they are uninjured they are holding me down getting me a phone I need my purse someone runs to get my purse and finds the diaper bag NOT THAT ONE, IT'S ON THE DRIVER'S SIDE and someone finds it and gets it and I can call our friends in Memphis to tell them what happened and the EMT shows up and fire department and police making sure we are lucid. They slap a collar on my neck OUCH that hurts my skin feels so raw My babies are okay. Constant questions, were you wearing seatbelts were the children buckled in, of course I say, praising carseat installation clinics at the Hillsboro OR hospital. Praising Subaru for making a car that gave its life to keep us safe. Praising God for watching us.

Children must go in ambulance first Mommy is strapped to stretcher K is good C is crying of course, they have stuffed animals for them in the ambulance, he takes my blood pressure and asks if I am alive, because my bp is so low following such a major trauma. The kids are having fun and I chat with the EMT and thank him for being the hero that he is.

We get admitted to ER, not the kids but Mommy and Daddy and we arrive in separate ambulances and I don't know where MQE is and I am stuck strapped to the stretcher for what seemed like forever and I can't make any telephone calls and am trying to keep C from getting into everything in the room but my attempts are futile but the nurses are wonderful and come and help and bring the children popsicles and take them on ER tours and I have head and neck and jaw xrays and they all come back just fine but with a chest wall injury and lots of bumps bruises scratches burns. Word comes back that MQE has a broken vertebra in his back and is being wheeled off to CT scan and I am beside myself and God knows how we made it through the past few days waiting for MQE to be released from the hospital, I am not capable of carrying C and thus couldn't leave the hotel room by myself and F came from Memphis to help out on Sunday and I called Subaru and Safety First/Cosco to tell them that their products saved my family's lives and we were going to fly home but all flights had been cancelled so our friend and my brother-in-law flew in and drove us home, where we arrived safely at 2 in the morning.

Eyewitness reports said that we were cut off, and that we flipped three times before landing upside down. The car did not show hardly any evidence of roof damage--we could open the two rear doors with no problem at the towing yard on Sunday. We will be buying another Subaru--it proved its weight in gold, in life, to us.

The one who "cut us off", or caused me to have to swerve, fled the scene.

We are so lucky to be alive.

the bayou crud

The countdown is ON! One more day until Spring Break OFFICIALLY begins!

Ironically, I again have absolutely no voice. The crud that the kids had last week caught MQE and I, and I have been left with it settling in my throat. How to teach two classes tonight, I do not know, but they will be talking much more than I will--definitely a plus in a foreign language classroom.

During our time living in N'awlins, we would call this late-winter/early spring virus the "bayou crud"...quite fitting, it seemed, as the foggy, wet, humid mornings would just seem to settle in our bodies and, yes, I would lose my voice and that was that. Maybe this is a Bayou curse...even if you move away from N'awlins, it will still come and find you...

I read somewhere that those born under the Taurus sign have as their sensitive body area their throats and necks. It said that many Taureans are good singers (I can hold a tune) and have beautiful, long necks (often I have felt my neck is a little too long, but we are our own worst critics, are we not?) and that they suffer from many issues in their throats as a result--and I have been losing my voice at least a couple times a year now since puberty. Not that I believe necessarily in the astrology of physiological phenomena, but it's fun and very interesting when it corresponds.

Okay, Baby is up and awake. I have to clean the house up a bit, as a student is coming over at noon today to take an exam that he missed last week. Temperatures are up...it is getting to be Spring! I saw crocuses at the point of bursting into bloom yesterday and my heart leapt for joy. I love Spring!

racing against the clock

I haven't blogged for the past couple of days because I was afraid of what My Life would sound like. I suppose it is time to face reality. The headache eased up and did not end up being the humdinger that it sometimes turns into. However, my new doc. and I are watching things closely and clocking things and since she seems to be convinced that I am over-hormonal, perhaps a little more control in that department will help. We are taking things slowly and trying to go as naturally as possible. Baby steps, right?

It always amazes me that, for as much or a little as I plan my classes, they always seem to go off without a hitch. I spent the entire weekend working on correcting exams, checking homework and putting in much more time and effort than I really ought to, that I left my lesson planning for the week on the back burner. It isn't like I haven't taught these same lessons before, but I always like to enter class with precisely what it is I want my students getting out of the class that night forefront in my mind. I have the perfect music chosen, the perfect Felipe-ismos to edit, and the activities usually flow well for such short (relatively speaking) class periods. So I pretty much put my energies into getting midterm grade notifications ready and sacrificed on the lesson planning today...and both classes just rocked. It never ceases to amaze me how, when it is meant to be, it just really is meant to be. I am merely a conduit. Of course, those who are flunking are freaking out, and those who are surprisingly earning a B+ or an A- are a step away from kissing my feet...and I wish I were exaggerating. All midterm work is due by Thursday. I am going to be SWAMPED on Thursday night. Although I wanted to post the midterm grades on Friday before leaving on our Spring Break, I might have to actually bring work on vacation with me in order to post grades once I return instead.

The hard part of all this has been the kids. Both were down with a cold this weekend, and C's congestion is, I am convinced, due to heavy-duty teething on his last four molars. He is just miserable, won't let me even shower without standing outside the door banging his head on the door and screaming, and trying to get into my office here at home to arrange papers, input grades, etc. has to wait until 10 or so at night, at which time I am so tired I can hardly see straight since I have been up since 5 a.m....yes, with him. How does one spell exhaustion? M-O-M-M-Y

Before class tonight I had another dream visit from two different ex-students from my advanced course last term. One had requested from me an academic recommendation letter for a scholarship for Study Abroad this summer, which I had completed and was able to get to her (yes, one thing checked OFF the list, thank you very much!). The other was one of my native/heritage speakers who I had to teach to write NOT how she speaks, and the progress she made over the course of last term was marked. I don't say this to be boastful nor to blow my own proverbial horn. It is just so nice to hear that my class is so fondly remembered by those who took me--she mentioned the small group of 5 of them who are taking another requirement for their major together gather before class or at break and remember back to some of my lessons, and I was very happy to learn that the 302 I taught, she personally feels, greatly prepared her for the heavy-duty literature and writing courses she is currently taking. Again, I am merely the conduit. I also learned so much in that course, and hope that I can teach it again next fall. The workload is great, but the motivation is high. I am not so challenged this term and am thus suffering from a bit of lack of motivation. I would hope my current students cannot notice this, however--I have a feeling I am doing just fine.

On top of it all...It is just really a nice feeling when ex-students come back to visit and the first thing they do is give me a huge hug. This earnest display of affection is completely mutual--I can count on one hand how many ex-students I would never want to see again.

Now to get through the rest of the week, clean up the house, prepare some meals, pack and get ready to leave on Friday night.

Yes, just waiting for Spring Break...!

down for the count?

The kids seem a bit better today than yesterday, although still quite "goopy" thus we really don't want to be taking them out in public. There is nothing that turns others off more than seeing children with goopy noses. Yuck! At least, I know I don't like that! Now, of course, I have yet another one of My Headaches...they get really old. Although they feel like sinus, I really do not suffer from them when pregnant or nursing children, which leads me to believe that they are all hormonally intertwined somehow--which, in turn, just frustrates me all the more. So of course, the worst thing I could be doing now is typing on the computer...and yet, here I am. It is a break from lesson planning, however. I, of course, cheated and just took a two hour siesta--what an incredible luxury, only afforded to me if my headache lands me on a weekend when MQE is home.

Somebody did stop by to look at the Bug today, and MQE and he were standing out there for a while talking. He said he might be by later on this afternoon with his wife...if his wife is anything like me, we shall see about that! It is a definite men-and-old-cars thing. This, by the way, is a 1961 black cloth-top VW Bug. It's actually in pretty good condition, especially when considering all the money we have invested in upkeep. It was well-loved by MQE, and I enjoyed it in our BC (Before Children) days, but now it is a drain on the budget and it can't really haul the kids, so it is now time to bid it adieu. I also refuse to become one of those only-two-drivers-in-the-family-but-we-have-three-cars type of people. It just sends a bad message...you may decide which message that might be.

One more week until Spring Break...do you think I am going to make it that long??? Am taking bets...!

Girl's Day

On my other site

nakanojofurusato.blogspot.com

I speak of the hina matsuri, Girl's Day, on 3 March.

I am going to work on using more photos on my site. I think I've figured some things out...just need to do some scanning. All the pictures I seem to take anymore are of the kids--which is fine in its own right, but not when trying to maintain some degree of decent anonymity (right, chiefbiscuit?!). Always looking out to protect my family.

C has caught a cold, the pobrecito. And this week I have just been a terrible mother, with so many tests to grade and papers to correct--I held him all night long and I think he has had a good sleep thanks to that. Spring Break starts next Friday for me...and I am soooo ready for the break. I just hope we all aren't sick...THAT would be just perfect, now, wouldn't it?

Today is supposed to be cold. I think I will take K out for a girls' date. We haven't had a girls' date in a few weeks. I find that this reconnecting time is good for the two of us, and hopefully we can continue to make this a priority in our lives for years and years to come. I need to do some shopping, anyway--get two birds with one stone.

Uh-oh...C is screaming...has discovered I am not there anymore. Mommy time now officially OVER... hinamatsuri post will have to wait a while...

baby boy kisses

I have two very cuddly children. I don't know how it is that I have been blessed with cuddlers, as I am a cuddly person and have always craved such physical intimacy throughout my life. I did not grow up in a particularly cuddly family; I remember my mother often saying "Don't hang on me!" This is not a judgment--instead, this is just a statement of differing personalities that I have come to respect.

I know that my children will not be young forever, they will one day push me and my cuddling efforts away and that day will break my heart. I have thus vowed to get as much as I can as long as this physical manifestation of love among my children is so freely given and shared.

Putting C down to sleep at night brings me great pleasure. Now that he has a Big Boy Bed, I no longer have to sit on the other side of his wooden bars, imprisioning him for his safety in his crib. Instead I can lay down with him, allowing him to cuddle up with me, sharing my warmth and my scent, and be peaceful together. He will raise his head, look at me with his big eyes and kiss me all over my face, saying "ma, ma, ma" with each big smooch. K is just as loveable, but easier to put down to sleep, so she usually gets Daddy cuddle time--if still awake after C falls into dreamland, I will go to her and cuddle up and she will be asleep usually within minutes.

I was never allowed in my parents' bed when growing up. I think my sister was, or perhaps that is something she developed when older--I remember her and Mom together following Dad's death. One of my greatest joys is having my children join me at some point during the night if they feel so motivated. C might wake up with night terrors or just whimpers, and I still go and get him as he is not always aware he can just slip off his bed and pitter-patter into my room. K will come right in if she awakes during the night and cuddle right up with C on his other side, to "protect him from falling off the bed"...she is very good big sister. I awake early in the morning and, when I can see the two of them cuddling together I am brought great peace. Hopefully this will be a small step in beginning to foment a lifetime of mutual support, friendship, interdependency and love between siblings that will carry on long after I have left this world behind.