another brain cleansing

Okay, I just need to let a few things out. A part of me wants to disable comments, as I am not looking for advice--I just want to get things off my chest and know that I am being heard. That is all. So read with caution, realizing that this is a cathartic post.

La Princesita has had two hard lessons on how unfair Life is this week. First came with the last softball game of the season. I had worked hard on a lineup in which no girls repeated the same fielding position they had in the last game, to give them all practice. She was to play 3rd base in the bottom of the 3rd (3 innings in coach pitch), and the other coach switched her to short stop for some reason. I wasn't certain as to why; I was organizing the other girls. My princesita is a very agile player and can play most positions well just because she pays attention and doesn't spend the game drawing in the dirt with her toe. The coaches know that--but she had played short stop last game and really wanted to play a base during this last game. By about the 5th batter, she was in tears, and it took over two hours to calm her down.

Same general idea last night at her school's annual Sock Hop. She had practiced all year to be able to win the hula-hoop contest for the 1st grade. And she was one of two left--until someone who was walking off after her hoop had fallen knocked my princesita's hoop so that it fell. I was in the audience and yelled, "Hey, that wasn't fair, her hoop was hit by that other girl." Other parents saw and agreed...but what else could I really do? Crestfallen and proclaiming in tears how unfair this was, I dragged her and the Young Prince home...and she finally fell asleep in my bed, about an hour later, exhausted by her laments.

What ought I do? Teach her that yes, Life is unfair. So suck it up and move on.

No, that would be bad of me. I can teach that in a much gentler way. She is only seven years old, and much like her Mama Llama, an extremely sensitive soul. I pray for guidance to teach her strength in the ways of the world.

---

At the sock hop, I ran into some people I don't see on a daily, or even really on a monthly, basis. One of these women is nice enough, but is rather well-known as gossipy and a busy-body. I therefore tend to keep our conversations light and avoid any topics, like my personal life, that I don't care to have spread all over the elementary school community. The first thing she asks me last night? "So are things better with you and Him?"

Admittedly, I was blindsided. First, this was incredibly forward of someone who, as far as I knew, knows nothing for certain about my marital situation. So of course I jumped to the defensive. I demanded to know where she heard this from and why she was asking me. Uncertain as to how to deal with this, I lied and said that no, everything is fine. She said good, and I changed the subject immediately while watching the above mentioned hula hooping contest. Then, without looking at her, I said, "No, we've been separated now in-house for over two years. But I would like to know where you heard that, because I want to know if someone is spreading news about me around this school community." It was then that I learned that He had confided in her husband, who had been previously divorced.

He is not well-known for his, shall we say, discerning judgment regarding who he chooses to talk to. But then again, who am I do judge? I guess that, when I am the one affected by his mouth...

Anyhow, she had some strong opinions about how, no matter what, it is better that we be together, for the good of the kids. I told her that I disagree, that we are not giving a good image of what a healthy marriage is to the children and that my health and happiness need to be factored into the equation...and etc. etc. etc.

I was secretly thankful that Princesita had to leave due to tears...a perfect excuse to get out.

However, this encounter reestablished the fact that I am definitely being painted as the "bad guy" and he as the victim...and although I like to bitch about all the little things that now I let get to me that I used to let slide, I fully recognize that the failure of our marriage took two of us. Not just one.

*---*

My mother. Oh dear, what to say? For those who haven't followed, or known, the saga regarding our relationship, the least I can say is that I am always on pins and needles with her, and she regards me much in the same way. Somebody who wants to know why she can't be more of a part of my and my kids' lives while everything from my pregnancy to my miscarriage has been blamed on me, the news that I bought a home was greeted as if someone close had died, and that I cannot do anything that she expects me to do to make her life complete. I have taken steps back and have come to realize where this stems from in her life, but while she continues to express her great disappointment in who I have become and the fact that I put my children before her in my life, I have a very hard time in trying to maintain any semblance of even a superficially decent relationship.

What created this latest drama? The fact that she sent a Halloween card, some spare change for piggy banks and stickers for the kids and a Starbucks card for me, received at 4 p.m. Halloween afternoon (right before trick-or-treat time) and did not hear, by the next Wednesday, any verification of receipt of this collection of cards means that I am doing nothing to help her be a part of my children's lives and that she doesn't know if she ought to send Princesita's birthday gift if we had not received what she had sent for Halloween. We had been in contact various times on email over the election, and I had a terribly busy four day weekend with the kids...but she never once mentioned, "Oh, by the way, did you get something special in the mail?" No, I am the Bad Daughter for neglecting to mention what she is hoping to, evidently, trap me into not mentioning by not mentioning it first. No, she won't send it certified because it really has nothing to do with whether or not we received what she sent; it all all to do with a test of whether I will remember to mention and appropriately give thanks in recognition of her efforts.

I think she believes I sit around on my ass all day every day wondering what to do next.

How I would KILL for a day like that. Just one day.

She said in the email (no, not a phone call because she will not telephone me; I have to always call her and am the Bad Daughter if I don't comply in a timely manner) that she is open to suggestions. I suggested a few years ago that she buy herself a webcam that just plugs into a USB port. If she doesn't understand how with following the directions, her handyman up the street can help her. Then I can walk her through the installation of Skype and she can chat and see the kids in what is practically real time whenever she wants.

But that suggestion was rejected. The only suggestion she wants is that I move back west. I am expected to alter my life and go back to her, because all her life she has been abandonded or forced to abandon when she was a child. She doesn't see why people in her life (her mother, her daughters) have always moved on to follow our own lives instead of molding ours around her needs.

If I would be going back to that, there is no way in hell I'm going back. I've never been good enough for her; nothing I have ever done has been good enough. Why put myself through any more? It is easy to say "Well, then don't. Don't let yourself be that in your mother's life." But that is it...she is my mother, and besides my sister is the only family I have left. The three of us. That's it.

So forgetting it is much easier said than done. So, to call or not to call? Damned if I do, damned if I don't. We've been down the same path before, and I have told her in no uncertain terms that she can feel free to call here as well, and that I should not be the only one trying to make her a participant in my children's lives. If she doesn't feel she is, then she needs to do more. I can do better with the thank-you notes. I know she appreciates that, but I do those for major things (birthdays, Christmas gifts). Are Halloween cards now included on that list?

*---*

I'm okay, I'm just feeling a little defeated, yet again, and it will pass. The holidays are coming, which always stress me out, and is a prime Disagreement Season between my mother and I. I feel it coming, deep in my soul, and it fills me with dread.