completely vexed

Warning: big rant ahead.

I taught tonight. I had gotten on the Mr.'s case about not getting nighttime routines going or finished on the nights that I teach, so tonight and last night he stepped up and got the kids going. The Young Prince did NOT, tonight, want his father brushing his teeth. Absolutely not. However, as I had just finished teaching and had proceeded to work on cleaning the kitchen, I decided not to intervene and undermine any authority on his part and just let the screaming continue. La princesita came up to me several times to tell me what was happening, obviously disturbed that her brother could be so adamantly against his father's brushing.

(insert note: Their father has an incredibly rough touch. Perhaps this is one reason I have never, ever, ever felt any pleasure from his touch in the history of when we actually touched in our marriage. I have told him that he brushes the teeth too hard; when the kids cry because it hurts, it is too hard. The kids have complained to me that they prefer me to brush because he does it too hard. I have told him that their mouths are more sensitive, they're children, maybe he should ease up a bit. He maintains that you have to brush hard to get stuff off your teeth. However, even dentists maintain that is absolutely untrue and that, if one brushes too hard one could contribute to gum recession. His father is the dentist; he *should* know that.)

Okay. So the screaming behind the closed door of the bathroom continued, I had finished washing the dishes and closed the kitchen for the night. La princesita came up to me and reported that "Daddy just put The Young Prince in the shower."

"Why?"

"Because he wouldn't rinse and spit."

What?!

So I get myself down there as quickly as possible, knock on the door and open it, and there they are, he had thrown The Young Prince (not 4 years old) into the shower with all of his jammies on and soaked him, since that is what he had threatened him with if he did not rinse and spit his toothpaste.

What?!

So I tell him to get my son out of the shower at this minute, what in the hell do you think you are doing? You give him a time-out, you don't throw him in the shower. That is not an appropriate consequence to his dissent. That makes no sense.

Yes, it does. He doesn't think he has done anything wrong. Then continues to ask if he should yell and scream and hit the children like I do.

WHAT?!

I countered that I have spanked The Young Prince once and only once in his entire life. Once. And that was, what, a year and a half ago? And I am categorized now for life as a "hitter" of my children??? And I have already written about the raising of the voice issue not long ago.

I calmly said that I don't know what has happened, that we used to be on the same page about disciplining our children, and we had agreed on time-outs. Not throwing him in the shower. And he said, "But he didn't rinse out his mouth."

"Well," I said, "if it is that important, put him in his room for time-out and he'll either swallow it or he, being the kind of kid he is, will still end up running to the bathroom and taking care of it himself...he IS capable of doing it himself...since he doesn't like the feel nor the taste for long."

"What, and go back on my word? Should I have yelled and screamed and hit like you do? You know, they get older and they won't respond to yelling anymore. They'll just yell back."

What is this counselor of his feeding him? And what kind of a picture of me has he fed her?

"I don't yell. You come home after I have been Ms. Nice Guy all day. I give them a warning: Third time I don't ask so nicely. You aren't around to see the first nice times. If the classroom is not cleaned up by 6:55 and I have asked them since 3:00 to clean up the classroom, I am going to raise my voice. But I get results. I don't have to do that as much anymore, but you are never around enough to see that." I wanted to tell him: You need to stop making judgments about what used to be and see how far things come. You need to start living in the world the rest of us live in. But I didn't. But I did say, "Your word was wrong. That was an inappropriate consequence for the crime committed."

No, it wasn't. Not in his eyes. All of a sudden I thought I was at a military boot-camp. You don't throw a fully-clothed three-year old in the shower because he's throwing a tantrum because he doesn't want you to brush his teeth. You just don't. But he somehow turned it all around to make me the bad guy because I actually get my children to follow my orders and fall into line and continue with routine. I wanted to say that, perhaps I am gentler and not rougher as you purport. Perhaps they know that I will always follow through. You just started to follow through on discipline, so the Young Prince has somehow learned that, if he throws enough of a tantrum he can get out of things he does not want with you. You can't start off easy and get stricter. Those are Basics 101 of classroom management. He doesn't take you seriously.

But that doesn't merit a fully-clothed dunk in the shower.

I asked him if his father did that to them when he used his belt on them. He glared at me.

This "arrangement" is just not working, it is turning into a power struggle and he doesn't like that I have the power. Yet he won't step up when he has a chance to start to get to know his children. He could spend time on the weekend with them but instead chooses to work on his computer. I almost don't want to separate homes because I fear the children will just be stuck in front of the television when he has custody so that he can continue on in his little world...or that things like what happened tonight will occur when I am not around and there will be no mediating force to calm him.

I had to force a separation between father and son tonight. What is going to happen in 10 years? And how dare he say that I am going to be the cause of teenage strife, when I am the one my children come to when they need to talk or feel listened to, or to be comforted? He deserves to be more a part of their lives, but he needs to take some responsibility, grow up, and put himself there because, if he sits around waiting for them to come around to him, baby, it ain't going to be happening.