conflicted

He is on standby.

On the list, He is #1 on the list for his rank to be called out for a year of service.

This doesn't mean *necessarily* Iraq or Afghanistan. Upon learning more about it last night, He will go where there is need for his rank--Navy Captain. That could be anywhere...including, of course, where the pirate activity is occuring off the Somali coast of Africa. And as He is an active reservist, not IRR, He is not being called up against his will. Even though He has had three years active duty time and time during Desert Shield/Desert Storm so long ago, it is possible the rotation has been exhausted for his designator. Or that they don't count the aforementioned time.

The chances are 2:3 that He will go. He'll get 60 days' notice.

I sat down and told him that, even though we can't live in the same house, that doesn't mean I want him to go off to war. Main reason being, I don't particularly want my children to not have a father for a year. The one person who I have told about this possibility said, "Well, now you'd finally have what you wanted." I don't see what she is talking about; I want a separation, not for him to disappear. I have never said that. Remember, I won't even consider moving away because I feel so strongly about the children having time with their father. I want the children to have quality time with both of us, not just with me--as I know I need a break, too.

And selfishly (because I am essentially selfish), I know that I also have no family support here. Calling on friends is hardly an option as all the children are all so much older and everyone is so deeply involved in their own heavy schedule of activities; yet my children are still yet too young, by law, to leave home alone. But such is Life. Again, not quite what I had signed up for.

But I will figure it out. I always do!

So then I wonder if I shouldn't just try to make this work. I don't know--to give him some hope or something. Not for me, but for Him. But, as my friend pointed out, He would return in a year and we'd be back in the same situation: He thinking all is hunky-dorey and me, discontented and unfulfilled.

And, really, all is simply in theory as the earliest he could be recalled would be 1 April. So until a 60 day notice comes up, Life must continue on as normal. Just impossible to make any long-term plans for travel on my part; my trip to South America this year may not happen...or I'd just have to take the kids with me...but then I'd need to get passports for them both...hmm. Must think about this now, mustn't I?