I am beginning a new phase of life.
This has greeted me with a new perspective and a fresh, confident ideal of not wanting or needing to find companionship on a romantic level. There is so much freedom in knowing that I don't need to have that to feel fulfilled, and the resulting strength is empowering.
However, I find myself at a crossroads because I think my ideal of finding men to pass platonic time with is just that: an ideal, a fantasy, something that I will probably not find. I recently had the opportunity to watch movies one evening with a male friend, for whom I feel no particular spark but who is wonderful company, extremely handsome and at a similar life stage. It was nice, platonic, no pressure felt and very comfortable.
When relating this evening spent in nice friendly company to my female friends, I am surprised at the reactions; namely that I am being naive to think that any man would not invest time like that if he didn't have deeper interest, in hopes that this would develop eventually into more. "Men can have all the patience in the world until they get what they want."
Perhaps that assessment is correct. Perhaps I am being naive. It would be nice to have a single person, woman or man, to be able to call and get together from time to time and just enjoy each other's company, much akin to how I spent this past weekend with my girlfriend from grad school, but without having to get on an airplane to do so. Even better if that person is also a parent, if only for the empathy and comprehension aspect. I simply have no desire, nor am legally able, to develop any relationship deeper than a friendship level, yet am starting to carry doubts of the existence of this no-expectation type of connection at this stage of life.
miércoles, 7 de enero de 2009
martes, 6 de enero de 2009
feeling shattered
Oh no...heavens, NOTHING like what was going on Last Year at this time!
I fell down the stairs today.
Fortunately not all 13 of them. Only about the bottom 1/2...ouch. And unlike a seasoned faller who would know to not to fight the feeling, I reached out, grabbed the banister and promptly twisted my body into landing in a contorted heap at the base of the steps.
And they were the indoor, not the outdoor, steps, so it was all my doing and not to be blamed on some random showing of ice.
I somehow managed to drive myself to the chiropractor, where for the second time in two weeks he had me in tears popping me into place. But I am prescribed ice therapy, "as much as I can" tonight as my left shoulder and the base of my neck is completely swollen (dude, no wonder it hurts so bad!) and to, um, 'pop' back in tomorrow so he can torture me a bit more into place.
So I will sit and give thanks for laptops as my neck ices and I plan the rest of the week's classes.
Side note updates:
My weekend away to Georgia was lovely. My girlfriend and I had not seen each other in about 4 years, and we desperately needed some catch-up time. Watched some old movies, one newer flick and did some shopping. Swapped class ideas and voila! We could have technically written that weekend off for taxes.
My mother is up to old antics again. The Christmas Letter included a lovely guilt trip blatantly directed at this Mama Llama about what a crappy daughter I am to keep her grandchildren at such a distance. She has also rejected the name that my daughter, the first grandchild of the family, gave to her. My sister and her husband are angry with her about this as well, and it makes it very hard to even make the efforts to pick up the phone. I'm getting tired of it. I guess the webcam I bought her for Christmas went over like a lead balloon. Can't say I don't make an effort. I just need to smart up and stop making the efforts...
...if she weren't my mother, it would be so easy.
As far as my Rocking Resolution list goes, I am doing well so far. Granted, we're only a week into the New Year, but still...
And with that I go back to the ice.
I fell down the stairs today.
Fortunately not all 13 of them. Only about the bottom 1/2...ouch. And unlike a seasoned faller who would know to not to fight the feeling, I reached out, grabbed the banister and promptly twisted my body into landing in a contorted heap at the base of the steps.
And they were the indoor, not the outdoor, steps, so it was all my doing and not to be blamed on some random showing of ice.
I somehow managed to drive myself to the chiropractor, where for the second time in two weeks he had me in tears popping me into place. But I am prescribed ice therapy, "as much as I can" tonight as my left shoulder and the base of my neck is completely swollen (dude, no wonder it hurts so bad!) and to, um, 'pop' back in tomorrow so he can torture me a bit more into place.
So I will sit and give thanks for laptops as my neck ices and I plan the rest of the week's classes.
Side note updates:
My weekend away to Georgia was lovely. My girlfriend and I had not seen each other in about 4 years, and we desperately needed some catch-up time. Watched some old movies, one newer flick and did some shopping. Swapped class ideas and voila! We could have technically written that weekend off for taxes.
My mother is up to old antics again. The Christmas Letter included a lovely guilt trip blatantly directed at this Mama Llama about what a crappy daughter I am to keep her grandchildren at such a distance. She has also rejected the name that my daughter, the first grandchild of the family, gave to her. My sister and her husband are angry with her about this as well, and it makes it very hard to even make the efforts to pick up the phone. I'm getting tired of it. I guess the webcam I bought her for Christmas went over like a lead balloon. Can't say I don't make an effort. I just need to smart up and stop making the efforts...
...if she weren't my mother, it would be so easy.
As far as my Rocking Resolution list goes, I am doing well so far. Granted, we're only a week into the New Year, but still...
And with that I go back to the ice.
jueves, 1 de enero de 2009
reflections on the old; resolutions in the new
Ah, 2008 is gone. History.
I began the month of December in quite a funk, not only due to the memory of and added loss but also due to what I perceived to have been a failure of a year. I wanted to have acheived my separation in 2008 and that did not happen.
However, I could not see at that point the great strides I have indeed made. What might seem like baby steps to some are huge to me. I have Him talking now in terms of "my weekend" vs. "his weekend" with the kids. I am no longer sitting home and crying during his time with the children; I am being productive, going out, enjoying my life and making the most of the freedom I have, trying to relax as much as possible so as to be a better mother when they are mine again. I am overcoming a fear of going out and doing things on my own; my basic insecurities that have ruled my life for so long are beign dismissed and I am coming out stronger and much more self-defined as a result.
And I am trying to laugh more.
That is how 2008 ended for me. What will 2009 have in store?
I want to build my business up just a bit more, as my youngest will be in school five mornings a week this coming year.
I want to cook more, bake more and eat out less.
I want to depend more on tea and less on coffee to keep my eyes open during the day.
Walk/bike more, drive less.
Simplify my life; less expenses, more experiences.
Develop more self-discipline regarding my computer use.
Define my various paths in my life.
Rid my life of that which is toxic and surround myself with healthy people and experiences.
More salads, less sweets.
More exercise, fewer excuses.
Get my backyard back into shape.
Ensure all in my life know who they are and what their roles in my life are; and conversely define what my role in their lives is.
Ascertain that He and I are playing on the same field, with the same expectations--about which, right now, I have an uncertain vibe resonating deep within me.
Start working on getting over my fear of confrontation.
Go somewhere I have never before been.
A new, different passport stamp? Hmmmm...would be nice!
Be the best mother I can be, and give thanks for these two greatest gifts I have been given each and every day of my life.
Keep a cleaner house.
Love more, live more; worry and resent less.
Let things go.
Be well.
I began the month of December in quite a funk, not only due to the memory of and added loss but also due to what I perceived to have been a failure of a year. I wanted to have acheived my separation in 2008 and that did not happen.
However, I could not see at that point the great strides I have indeed made. What might seem like baby steps to some are huge to me. I have Him talking now in terms of "my weekend" vs. "his weekend" with the kids. I am no longer sitting home and crying during his time with the children; I am being productive, going out, enjoying my life and making the most of the freedom I have, trying to relax as much as possible so as to be a better mother when they are mine again. I am overcoming a fear of going out and doing things on my own; my basic insecurities that have ruled my life for so long are beign dismissed and I am coming out stronger and much more self-defined as a result.
And I am trying to laugh more.
That is how 2008 ended for me. What will 2009 have in store?
I want to build my business up just a bit more, as my youngest will be in school five mornings a week this coming year.
I want to cook more, bake more and eat out less.
I want to depend more on tea and less on coffee to keep my eyes open during the day.
Walk/bike more, drive less.
Simplify my life; less expenses, more experiences.
Develop more self-discipline regarding my computer use.
Define my various paths in my life.
Rid my life of that which is toxic and surround myself with healthy people and experiences.
More salads, less sweets.
More exercise, fewer excuses.
Get my backyard back into shape.
Ensure all in my life know who they are and what their roles in my life are; and conversely define what my role in their lives is.
Ascertain that He and I are playing on the same field, with the same expectations--about which, right now, I have an uncertain vibe resonating deep within me.
Start working on getting over my fear of confrontation.
Go somewhere I have never before been.
A new, different passport stamp? Hmmmm...would be nice!
Be the best mother I can be, and give thanks for these two greatest gifts I have been given each and every day of my life.
Keep a cleaner house.
Love more, live more; worry and resent less.
Let things go.
Be well.
martes, 30 de diciembre de 2008
Thinking in Fours
Z tagged me with a meme, and I always complete my meme responsibilities, even while on vacation! So here it goes!
a. Four places I go over and over again:
1) School. Getting kids to school in the morning and picking them up in the afternoon. Preschool requires a drive; elementary school requires a walk.
2) She-ra's house. She feeds me, she gives me wine, so why not?
3) Starbuckies. Bad habits can be oh so hard to break.
4) My garden. Some days I just go and pace, wander, walk. I just need my time out there.
Four people who mail me regularly:
This is sad. I don't have too many "personal" people I connect with with a special regularity.
1) She-ra. Yes, I know she lives only a mile away. Sometimes email works.
2) Freecycle group digest mails.
3) My students for one reason or another, and blog readers with comments on my blog.
4) Anu Garg, with her Word-a-Day digest.
Four of my favorite places to eat, (apart from home):
1) Arties. And family (Coastal Flats, Sweetwater Tavern, etc.)
2) CPK. Killer salads, love the Margarita Neapolitan pizza.
3) La Tolteca. Authentic Mexican by Mexicans, not Hondurans or Salvadoreans.
4) Bombay Bistro. Love my Indian food.
Four places I'd rather be now.
This is hard because I'm on vacation at my friend's house, but I'll speak in general terms:
1) Perú.
2) Sitting in an outdoor natural hot spring in volcanic mountainous central Japan.
3) With friends drinking wine or coffee or tea...depending on the time of day.
4) Skiing.
Four favorite TV shows:
I don't watch too much TV. But here it goes:
1) Gray's Anatomy. I really need my smut fix.
2) AFV. The kids LOVE the funny videos and I love sharing the laughter and joy they get out of others' misfortunes...!!
3) The Electric Company. Grew up with it, those shows were awesome.
4) Three's Company. I loved that show. The Ropers rocked. John Ritter was a talented man.
Four movies I would watch over and over again.
1) Fantasia. Only the original...the 2nd isn't as good.
2) Foreign films that I use in class, like Motorcycle Diaries, La historia oficial, etc.
3) Japanese films like Tampopo, Kappa, etc. No samurai flicks.
4) Other good foreign movies, I suppose, or things I can relate to like Lost in Translation, or that can evoke memories, like At Play in the Fields of the Lord.
Four people I would like to tag:
We all know how tough this is!!!
1) She-ra! (since she's been mentioned so much here!)
2) The Exception
3) Old Crone
4) Harrassed Single Mom
Have fun, y'all!
a. Four places I go over and over again:
1) School. Getting kids to school in the morning and picking them up in the afternoon. Preschool requires a drive; elementary school requires a walk.
2) She-ra's house. She feeds me, she gives me wine, so why not?
3) Starbuckies. Bad habits can be oh so hard to break.
4) My garden. Some days I just go and pace, wander, walk. I just need my time out there.
Four people who mail me regularly:
This is sad. I don't have too many "personal" people I connect with with a special regularity.
1) She-ra. Yes, I know she lives only a mile away. Sometimes email works.
2) Freecycle group digest mails.
3) My students for one reason or another, and blog readers with comments on my blog.
4) Anu Garg, with her Word-a-Day digest.
Four of my favorite places to eat, (apart from home):
1) Arties. And family (Coastal Flats, Sweetwater Tavern, etc.)
2) CPK. Killer salads, love the Margarita Neapolitan pizza.
3) La Tolteca. Authentic Mexican by Mexicans, not Hondurans or Salvadoreans.
4) Bombay Bistro. Love my Indian food.
Four places I'd rather be now.
This is hard because I'm on vacation at my friend's house, but I'll speak in general terms:
1) Perú.
2) Sitting in an outdoor natural hot spring in volcanic mountainous central Japan.
3) With friends drinking wine or coffee or tea...depending on the time of day.
4) Skiing.
Four favorite TV shows:
I don't watch too much TV. But here it goes:
1) Gray's Anatomy. I really need my smut fix.
2) AFV. The kids LOVE the funny videos and I love sharing the laughter and joy they get out of others' misfortunes...!!
3) The Electric Company. Grew up with it, those shows were awesome.
4) Three's Company. I loved that show. The Ropers rocked. John Ritter was a talented man.
Four movies I would watch over and over again.
1) Fantasia. Only the original...the 2nd isn't as good.
2) Foreign films that I use in class, like Motorcycle Diaries, La historia oficial, etc.
3) Japanese films like Tampopo, Kappa, etc. No samurai flicks.
4) Other good foreign movies, I suppose, or things I can relate to like Lost in Translation, or that can evoke memories, like At Play in the Fields of the Lord.
Four people I would like to tag:
We all know how tough this is!!!
1) She-ra! (since she's been mentioned so much here!)
2) The Exception
3) Old Crone
4) Harrassed Single Mom
Have fun, y'all!
miércoles, 24 de diciembre de 2008
World Orgasm Day
...it came (a-hem)...
and went.
21 December, 2008, to be exact. And evidently I was just not In The Mood.
That is rare for me.
And I completely missed it.
Last year's ode to WOD will just have to suffice. Enjoy!
*---*
and went.
21 December, 2008, to be exact. And evidently I was just not In The Mood.
That is rare for me.
And I completely missed it.
Last year's ode to WOD will just have to suffice. Enjoy!
*---*
This caught my eye this morning. Of course, I read it in Spanish, but it appears that this Saturday, in conjunction with the Winter Solstice, has been named World Orgasm Day.
The purpose, one might ask? Besides being one hell of a stress relief, it is viewed that such action can generously contribute to various causes, among them being the fight for global peace, the fight against global warming and the fight for social justice and sexual equality.
"To achieve positive change in the electric field of the Earth through the best possible means of biological, mental and spiritual energy."
Yeah. I might have to agree on the global warming front.
The organizers (I have no idea who they are) are pleading that this day should not, however, promote the conception of more children due to an already overpopulated planet.
Ideally, one (or rather, two, I suppose...) should try to time things so as to climax right at the moment of the Winter Solstice, occuring at 7:28 a.m. That would make it 1:25 a.m. Eastern Standard Time USA.
Hmm.. yaaaaaaaawn
Maybe I'll have to pull a Meg Ryan in honor.
We'll just call it my little contribution to peace on Earth and good will toward all.
Okay, off to the gym....
lunes, 22 de diciembre de 2008
The Spatula Wars
He went out and bought a set of new spatulas.
Not just any spatulas, Le Creuset spatulas. (read: very very expensive)
I have a full set, with two that are a trite battered by a blender's blade but still completely usable. That is like 8 or 9 spatulas in reach of my stove, that fit perfectly into a little white holder so that I can pull one out and all of the rest don't come out due to lack of spersonal spatula space.
(sorry 'bout that...feeling sassy)
So I unload the dishwasher the other day and there are ten new spatulas in there, just washed. I had never seen them before. I have already all those utensils, most of which (like the baster brush) I never, ever use. I have had these now for six years, it is no secret I have them unless Somebody is just unaware that these spatulas, pasta spoons, slatted spoons, etc. actually exist in my kitchen.
And I don't have a lot of excess spatula space in my kitchen. My drawers are pretty full.
So I took the spatulas and put them out on his table where I put his mail, magazines and other items. Thinking that maybe, just maybe, he's starting to plan for his move out by purchasing for his own kitchen... (not that he can cook or even know what to use most of those utentils for besides stirring the OJ in the morning)
Well, the next morning my spatula jar is so filled with spatulas that I can no longer pull one out without the entire mess of them falling out of the damn jar. So, sputtering spatula explitives I remove his, cursing the fact that my kitchen wa has been upset, and return them to his table.
I see the receipt he laid out for some reason on the kitchen counter. $100 worth of spatulas.
I about, um...split a spatula in half reading that!
Dude. I could do a heluva lot more with $100...OH--excuse me. They were 20% off! That explains it. He saw the magic four-letter word: SALE. And just HAD to buy. (he's just like that) No matter if there is need, just buy for the purpose of buying...
...which runs so utterly contrary to who I am and how I run my finances. For me, managing our finances was nightmarish as I had to deal with a complete lack of discipline.
Okay, so I took those $80 worth of spatulas and returned them, yet again, to his side of the table.
The next day, there were three little spatula subversives sitting in the spatula jar.
I took them and, sputtering, hid them. I don't want them, I don't need them and I don't want to see them.
Then I was getting Christmas cookie frosting ready. In little cups, I had a rainbow assortment of frostings ready for a little plastic knife that I traditionally use as the spreaders...nothing heavier will balance in those little teacups I use. He comes in and says, "Oh, and there are these..." and his voice trails off in confusion when he goes over to the spatula jar and sees that his special spatulitas have suddenly disappeared.
I snickered...to myself.
I have made it clear that I NEED a thermometer, I NEED heavy winter socks and I would LIKE to have my bike serviced and my violin bows rehaired. Never once have I said a thing about needing new spatulas. But yeah, I'm not heard. I feel strongly about using until unusable. I bought new pans this month, stoneware, because the tin ones I had had rusted and were thus rendered, well, unusable. So I upgraded. But I know what it is I will use and what I will not. He does not do any cooking, he does not spend any productive time in the kitchen (except eating), and he will not stop misplacing items that I have had in the same place for six years in some crazy miscellaneous space that leaves me cursing and losing time and literally holding a scavenger hunt for kitchen shears or measuring spoons when they are not where I expect them to be.
Dude, he is so totally breaking my stride.
Yes, I am well aware of the hilarity of the situation. These are petty, minor specks of spatula spittle that hopefully brought a smile to your face, as it did mine putting it into words!
And with that I wish you a happy Christmas Eve-Eve!
Not just any spatulas, Le Creuset spatulas. (read: very very expensive)
I have a full set, with two that are a trite battered by a blender's blade but still completely usable. That is like 8 or 9 spatulas in reach of my stove, that fit perfectly into a little white holder so that I can pull one out and all of the rest don't come out due to lack of spersonal spatula space.
(sorry 'bout that...feeling sassy)
So I unload the dishwasher the other day and there are ten new spatulas in there, just washed. I had never seen them before. I have already all those utensils, most of which (like the baster brush) I never, ever use. I have had these now for six years, it is no secret I have them unless Somebody is just unaware that these spatulas, pasta spoons, slatted spoons, etc. actually exist in my kitchen.
And I don't have a lot of excess spatula space in my kitchen. My drawers are pretty full.
So I took the spatulas and put them out on his table where I put his mail, magazines and other items. Thinking that maybe, just maybe, he's starting to plan for his move out by purchasing for his own kitchen... (not that he can cook or even know what to use most of those utentils for besides stirring the OJ in the morning)
Well, the next morning my spatula jar is so filled with spatulas that I can no longer pull one out without the entire mess of them falling out of the damn jar. So, sputtering spatula explitives I remove his, cursing the fact that my kitchen wa has been upset, and return them to his table.
I see the receipt he laid out for some reason on the kitchen counter. $100 worth of spatulas.
I about, um...split a spatula in half reading that!
Dude. I could do a heluva lot more with $100...OH--excuse me. They were 20% off! That explains it. He saw the magic four-letter word: SALE. And just HAD to buy. (he's just like that) No matter if there is need, just buy for the purpose of buying...
...which runs so utterly contrary to who I am and how I run my finances. For me, managing our finances was nightmarish as I had to deal with a complete lack of discipline.
Okay, so I took those $80 worth of spatulas and returned them, yet again, to his side of the table.
The next day, there were three little spatula subversives sitting in the spatula jar.
I took them and, sputtering, hid them. I don't want them, I don't need them and I don't want to see them.
Then I was getting Christmas cookie frosting ready. In little cups, I had a rainbow assortment of frostings ready for a little plastic knife that I traditionally use as the spreaders...nothing heavier will balance in those little teacups I use. He comes in and says, "Oh, and there are these..." and his voice trails off in confusion when he goes over to the spatula jar and sees that his special spatulitas have suddenly disappeared.
I snickered...to myself.
I have made it clear that I NEED a thermometer, I NEED heavy winter socks and I would LIKE to have my bike serviced and my violin bows rehaired. Never once have I said a thing about needing new spatulas. But yeah, I'm not heard. I feel strongly about using until unusable. I bought new pans this month, stoneware, because the tin ones I had had rusted and were thus rendered, well, unusable. So I upgraded. But I know what it is I will use and what I will not. He does not do any cooking, he does not spend any productive time in the kitchen (except eating), and he will not stop misplacing items that I have had in the same place for six years in some crazy miscellaneous space that leaves me cursing and losing time and literally holding a scavenger hunt for kitchen shears or measuring spoons when they are not where I expect them to be.
Dude, he is so totally breaking my stride.
Yes, I am well aware of the hilarity of the situation. These are petty, minor specks of spatula spittle that hopefully brought a smile to your face, as it did mine putting it into words!
And with that I wish you a happy Christmas Eve-Eve!
sábado, 20 de diciembre de 2008
Great insights from Delilah
Is that how she spells her name?
You know, the one who has that radio show that plays on most commercial pop/easy listening stations on weeknights, who gets phone calls from listeners and either gives them advice or allows them to vent their issues.
Last night, while finishing the Christmas cookie cut-and-bake, I was tuning into her show as that is the programming on the local Christmas Tunes Radio Station on that particular Friday night. One caller said that she wanted to tell her husband how much she loved him. They have been married 5 years, known each other 11 total. Delilah then asked her one simple question:
What is the greatest thing that he has done for you?
Her answer?
He makes me feel that I am valuable. He loves me for who I am, he allows me to be me.
So, he makes you feel comfortable in your own skin?
Oh, yes.
Something very powerful hit me at that moment. I had never even considered this as one of my huge problems, although one of my most pressing questions of late has been what has happened to the me I used to be? My self-esteem is gone, I am NOT the self-confident, independent woman I once was.
What happened to me?
And a flood of images, of memories, of things said washed over me. How he would tell me after meetings or groups we were part of that I ought not talk so much, that I dominated, that I was a braggart or boastful. How I had to act a certain way at his professional (military) functions...fortunately I had been trained in the art of working a crowd back in the day so I could handle myself "appropriately" to his standards. How I was attacked verbally in front of five other couples during a Valentine's dinner party for helping to clean the dishes because "as guests we do not help clean up."
These are examples of many such censorships of my character and of who I am intrinsically...examples of how he has never made me feel comfortable to be me, or that I am just somehow "not good enough" for whatever his standards are.
Hence my destroyed self-esteem.
Damn him for doing this to me.
I can't believe I haven't seen this before. But I feel so empowered today in coming to see this; a first step in the rebuilding of Mama Llama, to the strong and independent Llama I once was...
...if not better!
You know, the one who has that radio show that plays on most commercial pop/easy listening stations on weeknights, who gets phone calls from listeners and either gives them advice or allows them to vent their issues.
Last night, while finishing the Christmas cookie cut-and-bake, I was tuning into her show as that is the programming on the local Christmas Tunes Radio Station on that particular Friday night. One caller said that she wanted to tell her husband how much she loved him. They have been married 5 years, known each other 11 total. Delilah then asked her one simple question:
What is the greatest thing that he has done for you?
Her answer?
He makes me feel that I am valuable. He loves me for who I am, he allows me to be me.
So, he makes you feel comfortable in your own skin?
Oh, yes.
Something very powerful hit me at that moment. I had never even considered this as one of my huge problems, although one of my most pressing questions of late has been what has happened to the me I used to be? My self-esteem is gone, I am NOT the self-confident, independent woman I once was.
What happened to me?
And a flood of images, of memories, of things said washed over me. How he would tell me after meetings or groups we were part of that I ought not talk so much, that I dominated, that I was a braggart or boastful. How I had to act a certain way at his professional (military) functions...fortunately I had been trained in the art of working a crowd back in the day so I could handle myself "appropriately" to his standards. How I was attacked verbally in front of five other couples during a Valentine's dinner party for helping to clean the dishes because "as guests we do not help clean up."
These are examples of many such censorships of my character and of who I am intrinsically...examples of how he has never made me feel comfortable to be me, or that I am just somehow "not good enough" for whatever his standards are.
Hence my destroyed self-esteem.
Damn him for doing this to me.
I can't believe I haven't seen this before. But I feel so empowered today in coming to see this; a first step in the rebuilding of Mama Llama, to the strong and independent Llama I once was...
...if not better!
Suscribirse a:
Entradas (Atom)
