Is that how she spells her name?
You know, the one who has that radio show that plays on most commercial pop/easy listening stations on weeknights, who gets phone calls from listeners and either gives them advice or allows them to vent their issues.
Last night, while finishing the Christmas cookie cut-and-bake, I was tuning into her show as that is the programming on the local Christmas Tunes Radio Station on that particular Friday night. One caller said that she wanted to tell her husband how much she loved him. They have been married 5 years, known each other 11 total. Delilah then asked her one simple question:
What is the greatest thing that he has done for you?
Her answer?
He makes me feel that I am valuable. He loves me for who I am, he allows me to be me.
So, he makes you feel comfortable in your own skin?
Oh, yes.
Something very powerful hit me at that moment. I had never even considered this as one of my huge problems, although one of my most pressing questions of late has been what has happened to the me I used to be? My self-esteem is gone, I am NOT the self-confident, independent woman I once was.
What happened to me?
And a flood of images, of memories, of things said washed over me. How he would tell me after meetings or groups we were part of that I ought not talk so much, that I dominated, that I was a braggart or boastful. How I had to act a certain way at his professional (military) functions...fortunately I had been trained in the art of working a crowd back in the day so I could handle myself "appropriately" to his standards. How I was attacked verbally in front of five other couples during a Valentine's dinner party for helping to clean the dishes because "as guests we do not help clean up."
These are examples of many such censorships of my character and of who I am intrinsically...examples of how he has never made me feel comfortable to be me, or that I am just somehow "not good enough" for whatever his standards are.
Hence my destroyed self-esteem.
Damn him for doing this to me.
I can't believe I haven't seen this before. But I feel so empowered today in coming to see this; a first step in the rebuilding of Mama Llama, to the strong and independent Llama I once was...
...if not better!
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Oh.my.gosh.
ResponderEliminarI was listening to that very conversation on my way home from the store or something the other night. I NEVER listen to Delilah.
That conversation struck me so, so much, too. Delilah kept calling the husband, Phil, even though I thought the woman said her husband's name was Bill.
The woman said something else, too, like she could be mean or something, and her husband still loved her.
I'm still thinking about it...
I am thinking a lot about it too. And I think it is time to raise my standards. I don't have room for that in my life...how on Earth could I have settled?
ResponderEliminarBut then again, if I could go back 10 years and slap myself across the face with what I now know, I'm pretty certain I would not listen to myself...or rather, I'd listen and then bemoan the fact that I didn't follow the advice because I was too free a thinker.
(sigh) Never easy.
Be well, thanks so much for visiting.
All we can really do is decide what to do with the time that is left to us.
ResponderEliminarThe past is nothing more than a series of holographic clips we tend to replay. We can learn from them but they can never be changed, no matter how much we wish we could.
I settled in my former marriage as well. Some of the things I put up with from that woman still to this day make me scratch my head.
But now, 4 years after the divorce I can damn well promise you that I will never, ever, allow such a person in my life ever again. Ever.
Be well Mapi
Messages can come from the odest sources. I don't actually like that show, but that's a powerful thing to hear. And Ibelieve that you often hear things only when you are ready to hear them. Clearly you are ready. Yay!!!!
ResponderEliminarThat is funny, Citizen. No, I never listen to that stuff, either, as I'm an NPR or iPod regular listener (or the local Spanish station!). But after the month that I have had, I am ready for new lessons, new ways to live my life...
ResponderEliminarBRING IT ON! :) I feel ready--I haven't felt like this in years!
Be well, all.
I spent years of my life involved with a man whose means of controlling me was destroying who I was, shattering my self-esteem and isolating me.
ResponderEliminarDivorce was painful for me and the children, but getting me back has made it all worth it.
Good luck in your journey...
As a wonderful counselor once told me after I complained that my ex had taken my self-esteem and trashed it.....he said...You must remember that you LET it happen and so you must work to get it back and NEVER let ANYONE do that to you again. Someone can make you feel a certain way ONLY if you LET them. His words were powerful and I've repeated them to myself many times over the years. They have helped me immensely. I hope it will help you too. Big hugs to you.
ResponderEliminarYou will make it back to a stronger you, I know it. You are on your way - woohoo!
ResponderEliminarYou've probably heard that message before but wasn't ready for it until now. When you're ready, it comes through loud and clear, doesn't it?
ResponderEliminarI'm happy for your realization! You are a beautiful loving Mama Llama and don't deserve anything less than what you offer others!
((hugs))
Wow, that's so great! How empowering! I agree, we all deserve a partner who allows us to be who we are, in our own skins. They may not agree with every choice we make, but they let us be and love us anyway.
ResponderEliminarHooray for your awareness. And thanks for the reminder.
Good for you Mama L. Don't beat yourself up for allowing someone to damage your self esteem. It happens so gradually that it's hard to notice when it happens to you. The good thing is you are healing and finding your voice now.
ResponderEliminar