at a loss

The always dreaded anniversary of Dad's death came and went. There are always lots of flashbacks, it's almost eerie how I feel that time-travel sensation going back to moments throughout the day, each year, of one of the worst days of my life.

But it passed. And rather well, so I thought.

Then the phone rang. Caller ID said it was my mother.

She never calls me, so I knew someone had died.

She had to put her cat to sleep today. Barely an adult, only a four year old cat, it had apparently been born with some disease whose name escapes me, but involves fluid collection around the lungs, and Mynnie couldn't fight any longer.

So, on the same day she had to pull the plug on her husband, nine years later, she had to hold her only life partner at this juncture as she died in my mother's arms.

When Mozee died, five years after Dad died, my mother was about destroyed. All involved were thrilled when, less than a month later, Mom found a new kitten to love and welcome into her home and her heart. Now Mom is stuck wondering why everything in her life turns bad.

I can tell her everything, how she gave that cat a better four years of life than most would have given her, that she did all she could, that Mynnie knew how loved she was...all things my mother knows but that make little difference in the pain that parts her heart right now.

And I can do nothing. I offered her a ticket here for Christmas; she declined saying she couldn't. I countered that she no longer had a cat to find care for; she said that they are expecting significant snow accumulations tomorrow (which, for Southern Oregon, is an event) and that she's not expecting the weather to be all that great. In fact, she's uncertain of her ability to make the 300 mile trek up the I-5 to see her brother during the Christmas holiday.

I sincerely hope she can make it. She needs a change of scenery.

So Princesita, Young Prince and I got onto the local florist in my hometown and sent her a bouquet of white tulips to hopefully brighten her home and her existence a bit tomorrow. I put the children to bed...

...and proceeded to just let the ache out. I thought my tears had been used up already this month, but I guess not yet.

I think we are all ready for December 2008 to be over.