bandages vs. resolutions

This morning La Princesita started to cry as she realized that school was cancelled today for an ice storm (that never really fully developed...but that is another story). She was so sad, she sobbed to me, as she really was going to miss school.

I was in the process of explaining to her that everybody, even her teacher, was going to have a vacation day today and that this is Mother Nature's little way of giving us all (except for the parents, of course...2nd 3-day weekend in a row...ay!) a little mid-winter break...when her father came down the hall and peeked his head into the room and offered to turn on the cartoons on TV.

I turned to glare at him, 1. for violating my border space, and 2. for even suggesting that the cartoons be turned on at 7:00 a.m. on a Friday morning. I have rather strict television-watching rules in the house; the monitos can watch a little PBS Kids a couple of times a week, and are allowed to watch Saturday Morning Cartoons (that's just a tradition).

"Since she's sad, I thought that would cheer her up," he said.

I turned away, muttering something about not normally watching TV in the mornings in this house, and continued to tend to my princesita. Inside I was burning with rage.

This situation illustrates what so many of my husband and my greatest conflicts over the past ten years have involved; namely, the fact that I do not feel listened to, especially when I most need to feel comprehended and heard. Instead, “bandages” would simply be placed over everything that was wrong, in the hopes that covering up that which was wrong would simply either go away or “heal” themselves. In this case, he was offering to La Princesita a bandage, something to cover up what was bothering her rather than taking her, holding her, leaving his comfy little circle/bubble/world in which he lives and permitting his daughter to emote…something she needs to have available as she is an extremely sensitive soul.

I want my children to have a healthy relationship with their father and, in any way I can that no longer involves sacrificing who I am, my happiness and what I need to be in my life, I want to facilitate that relationship. Moments like the above described break my heart. I have tried to teach him what I need him to do for me for the past ten years and that has never come to pass. I honestly wonder if there is hope for his relationship with his children.

He is a man who enjoys learning the way of doing things by the book…and doing anything that deviates from the way The Book (any book…whatever he believes The Rules to be) is simply not aceptable. Just last night he attended a presentation on healthy relationships between fathers and daughters. An applaudable effort. He studies, he learns, he is not a stupid man. However, learning the theory and applying the ideas to real life situations are two separate issues, and he cannot seem to cross that line from the books to the practice.

A part of me wanted to scream at him this morning, to tell him that he can learn and listen and read all he wants over how to create a good, strong, healthy relationship with his children but if all he does is turn on the television and try to placate their tears instead of talking them out simply because it makes him ‘uncomfortable’ or requires him to step out of his little world and actually enter the worlds of his children, that relationship will not grow. They will learn that they cannot talk to him because he will not make the necessary reciprocal effort of comprehending them.

…and I am trying to raise two children who are communicators, so that they can avoid the types of explosive behavior that has plagued our marital relationship (back when we even spoke…we don’t even fight anymore). This example will not help.

It will therefore be my responsibility, as it always is, to try to point out, without being accusing, how he can do a better job of handling situations such as that which I was able to, after 15 minutes of communicating, iron out and make better. Without a bandage.

Whether or not I will be heard, however, is another issue. I sincerely hope that, for the sake of the children, he can learn to leave his own little world behind from time to time…or I fear his relationship with his children will end up much like our marriage.