Happiness is sipping Starbucks hot chocolate with a six year old who adores you on a girls' night out shopping on a Saturday night. I love that she is getting older and yet I dread the day she prefers to spend that time with her friends rather than with me.
Which shows me that I desperately need to get a life.
I did extend myself this week and met up with another parent in La Princesita's class. I tried. Meeting at her (new) house, of course (inferiority complex, my boro-boro 40+ year old brick home just does not compare...) we sipped cappuchino and had a wonderful morning on Friday. Problem is, I realize just how obvious it is that I am so not happy with certain aspects of my life--it is impossible for me to even answer the inevitable questions that all relationships begin with, things like, "So how did you and your husband meet?"
I am starting to think that I just can't do this. Not the separation part...that is becoming more firmly defined with the arrangements we figured out last week, although still not quite to the point that permits me my comfort zone (i.e. separate roofs). We are on separate floors, and are doing the "housemate" thing, sharing the (upstairs in my "apartment") kitchen and the (downstairs in his "apartment") laundry room. I'm trying to find a cheap, small, flat LCD TV that can fit in my room so I don't have to be downstairs to watch my Univisión. The kids have free reign. My office is unfortunately downstairs, but there is no way to move all that up to the classroom. No room. I need an office if I have a home-based business.
What I don't think I can do is comfortably meet people. Not the kind of romantic meeting people--I am still married, technically, by a sheet of paper; Heavens knows I do NOT need complications in my life; and I will never again be 'marketable.' I'm resigned to that. No, I'm talking about meeting other women, forming that community of women in my life that I vowed so long ago I would never let go. I know and was comforted by the fact that there are others who feel the way about the "alpha mom" syndrome (I gave it that name) around here that I feel and how the few of us do need to stick together and not let ourselves be taken, in the name of just allowing our children to be kids...the only time in their lives they'll be able to do so. The problem is with the personal stuff...I can't converse or, if it enters into a conversation, I will end up opening floodgates about the disaster I have made of my marriage and how dreadfully unhappy I am.
And who wants to get to know someone who feels like that? What a downer.
So I'm back in my hole, where it's safe, and afraid to leave. Trapped.
I was going to the gym this morning but stopped myself. I already have a splitting headache for the second day in a row and I have work to do here this morning (which I am obviously procrastinating by blogging), plus I should not go two days in a row when I'm trying to put on weight. It's just the getting-out-of-the-house routine that I like to maintain. But I did that yesterday.
The piercing place here in town doesn't exist after all. The Town will not permit such places within its borders (it's a fairly conservative little town). Have to go to the neighboring communities to do that. Rats. I was hoping for simplistic proximity.
It's a chilly, windy yet sunny day. Maybe I should bring my work up here to the classroom and work, even though I'll have to deal with Everyone Else if I am here. I need to get La Princesita finished with her obligatory shows of affection for her classmates for Vday. It's nice not recognizing Vday myself, although for the children's sake I have some cute little presents (new socks, some notepads/$1 store toys that they go nuts over) for them. I bought myself a hurricane candle holder and three big candles for my room. And yes, they are scented. My "housemate" does not like scented anything and evidently, by the way he smashed my irreplaceable, hand-made candleholder last year in the same tyrade in which he smashed the kitchen window, doesn't care for candles at all.
So that purchase was for me. And the candles were on SALE! Yippee! So that is a blessing.
I'm trying.
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As a woman who has 'been there', I need to say something to you and please do not take offense as I know its none of my business...but since you wrote about it I am thinking that perhaps you may be inviting a comment or two...hmmmm? I stayed in a loveless marriage a very unhappy woman for 21 years. I stayed with a man who beat me when drunk, belittled me often and showed no consideration to us as a family. I stayed for the children because I thought I was giving them as close to "normal" as possible. I wanted them to have both their parents, not the stigma of coming from a broken home. I even had a glimmer of hope that he might change and we'd be "The Waltons". What I didn't know until they were grown is that they knew...they knew all along how dysfunctional our family was and they would have probably been happier had I left him and made a life with them without him and the stress. I would have been a much happier person and therefore a happier mom. I ask you to really think about your position and to remember that you only live once, dear one. Make it the best possible. Give your children happy memories, not falsehoods that they see through so easily. Just think about it....promise?
ResponderEliminarGood morning, Val:
ResponderEliminarNo offense ever taken here! I look to the wisdom of those who have been there-done that.
I feel like all I can make now are small steps toward a final separation, and finally he and I are on the same page, after feeling a strange peace wash over me last weekend that guided me to sit down and calmly and rationally speak to him about the fact that this is not working. And he can finally see it. He is not a bad man; we are not compatible partners. Neither of us are able to financially handle a full-out separation right now so we are pretty much officially living a domiciliary separation, with "custody" of the children. Formalizing this would be the next step, so as to have this count (one year it has been already like this) in my state toward the required 2 year separation previous to divorce.
I love who I am when I am alone with my children, and I hate who I am when I am not. I know what needs to be done. Unfortunately money talks big and we live in an extremely expensive area. But steps are being made, trying not to look back.
Be well, Val. Please never feel censored.
You're in an interesting place.
ResponderEliminarWhen I left, I reconnected with a friend from high school. We both happened to be in the same place, divorcing. Another of my childhood friends showed up, divorcing too. We started Wine on the Porch, which developed into Whine on the Porch which developed into girls night, every other Saturday night.
We would all bring a dish and drink and bitch about men. It wasn't long until we had a dozen women coming. And it was helpful, because we all had issues and we all listened to each other. Girls night lasted 2 years amazingly enough. We all started getting boyfriends and it just naturally kind of ended.
Don't worry about pouring your heart out. Because you need to. Worry about it when people start running the other way when they see you. Otherwise, there is someone who will listen, who will validate you.
Oh and marketable? Don't even go there and never ever resign yourself.
sigh. I talk too much don't I?
You never talk too much. I just wish I could pick a few nextdoor neighbors, who now just happen to live on opposite ends of this continent, so as to enjoy Life a bit more, because I am certain I would enjoy your company.
ResponderEliminar