From the darkest moments clarity can shine forth.
Words of others can also help us see what has not previously been clear.
In Windy's memento left on yesterday's post, he said that "There is a perfect man out there waiting for your trail to cross his. And when you meet him it will be like your eyes opened for the first time."
That mere statement shocked me into a realization of that which I had been told I need to do for quite some time, yet perhaps borne of yesterday's desperation I finally internalized the message:
I need to remember how to be ME.
That means a ME without the identity of mother, wife, or teacher attached. How do I retake my identity as the strong person I used to be before I signed that identity away with marriage? I was so strong, independent and content in my 20s. Sure, there were lonely times and mistakes made. But I was comfortable with myself, with who I was and with going to a café to sit by myself with a book and read.
My children have now, for almost seven years, created my identity, both public and private, that I hardly feel I have the courage to go out by myself anymore.
I realized yesterday that this process is much like that which my mother felt when my father died and her two daughters, who were already long out of the house, could not change their lives to be back with her for longer than the 8 month period I took to go to be with her. I don't want to go through this when I'm older; I want to retake my identity NOW. That requires me to learn how to be ME without depending on another to help me define ME. Traveling helps--but why should I have to travel to recreate myself? Why do I need to be out of the country to feel far enough away from my responsibilities and detach enough to let my true Llama-ness come through?
Tough questions, no easy answers. But I am trying, and today can only be better than yesterday.
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It is easy to find ourselves defined by others - especially by our kids. Sometimes I think it happens without our knowing what it is that is happening. Working outside the house helps, for me, as it gives me a life that doesn't include my daughter as much. Yet there are days when I am a mom - and that is the way I feel and others see me. I am not a woman, a sexual being, a professional - I am defined by the fact that I have a daughter.
ResponderEliminarThis is a wonderful post!! Stand up and remember who you are and define the person you want to be. IN the process, your kids will benefit.
I read your post yesterday. And I wanted to say, "The reason it hurts so badly is because you're defining yourself as a mother only. Celebrate that and find out who you are beyond it."
ResponderEliminarBut I typed the comment and didn't publish it. I was afraid to say that to you because I am not in your shoes. I don't know how scary the thought of you "beyond motherhood" is. I am happy to see that you found that realization yourself. It is always after the darkest moments that the best realizations set in.
I am happy for you. Remember this. Build upon it. Be YOU.
Much love.
I know this feeling! I reclaim me simply by doing things for myself that make me happy. And I'm talking about simple things. Like choosing what to eat for dinner when the kids aren't here, then cooking it with passion and love, and savoring each bite. (I do that when the kids are here, too. But it's often easier to cook for others) Love yourself. You'll re-find you.
ResponderEliminarI'm with you there. my identity has always been tied up with the lives of those close to me. But where and how do you start. it's a scary, yet exciting prospect.
ResponderEliminarYou are greater than the sum of your parts Mapi..
ResponderEliminarYou are a shining light. The sparkle is just supressed by the fog that is in your life right now. That fog will fade and you'll shine again.
Being a mother compliments what you already are, but it dosent define you. Don't worry about "being you". It will come back over a bit of time as wounds heal, and confidence is regained. There's a lot of good things headed your way young lady.
Trust me.
This is a good thing to realize.
ResponderEliminarFind things you enjoy and pursue them.
And have fun doing it. :)
I love what Windrider said - you are greater than the sum of your parts!! LOVELY!
ResponderEliminarI do what DHs does - revel in the small things I do for myself and for me alone!!!!
I am still on my little journey with this so dont have it all figured out just yet!!
I dont think you need to leave though - I just think you need to allow yourself to be more than just a mom!