a complete idiot

Or just a really big furry camelloid wimp.

That's me.

We talked tonight...actually, I talked and he didn't--which is nothing new--and in the silence as I awaited for him to just say something, I wondered why my mouth always betrays me.

I like to think I am so strong and yet I am not. I can gently tell him, remind him of what is wrong between us and he retorts that yes, I am always right. I tell him that I like to think that I am but I need to have someone to challenge me to see things in other ways--a challenge he never poses. I think he's intimidated by me.

I told him that I don't know. I vary. One day I have no issue with throwing this all away and washing my hands. I told him I'm in my prime and I am just watching it go by, wasting my life away. Then the next day I vacillate; I think that maybe, just maybe I can make this work but with heavy sacrifices--no sex, for example--and put on the happy face so that the children who cry when they think that they're going to have to leave this home will be calmed into a sense of complacency.

Reality is that I do know. I do tell him I don't love him, but that I respect him as the father of these kids...and he spits back that no, I do not respect him. Okay, so I need to do a better job of respecting. Being more civil. It is hard, I say, in this living situation. I therefore maintain the need to separate living situations so that we can see if this is going to work going forward or not (although, in all honestly, I don't see how I would go back. I can't have a marriage without sex. I cannot...although there are those who can, I can't. I will not go back to crying in shame and disappointment after each time and feeling as filthy as he always made me feel. I do not miss that. And I did let him know that.)

Why am I a complete idiot? Because I ended this conversation tonight saying, basically, "day by day, one step at a time." If that isn't a hope-filling prophecy, what is? Damn me. I cannot destroy somebody to his face. I don't have the guts.

I admitted a lot of wrongs of mine. Included, I admitted that I need to not expect him to engage the children in the same ways that I do. That is unfair. I did tell him, however, that I want him to enjoy the kids now, as much as I am. While they are kids. I want that for him, for them. He asked, "In only my days with them?" To which I respond, "Of course. Just like I have to find the time during my days with them. Our weekdays aren't all fun and games and playing...I need downtime, playtime with them, too. That's why I insisted on you not getting them every single weekend. If that were the case, I wouldn't get my downtime with them. It would not be fair."

Our ages, our interests, our styles, our speeds, our hours, our motivations and our expectations round out the main incompatibility issues we feel...all discussed tonight. Again. Rather--that I feel, as I have always felt the only one to have the energy, the variety, the get-up-and-go, the push, the drive, and the independence and motivation to *do* rather than to sit back and wait to be told what to be done.

I'm tired. I've been tired for a long time. It stemmed long before grapefruits being thrown through the kitchen window in a midnight rage of his. It is tiring being the sole energy in a relationship, with he being the one ending up gratified, with all he wants. Even now, he's ended up with a brother in the area. Won again. I have nobody. My family is all at least a 5 hour plane trip away. At least. And I'm stuck.

Sometimes I feel I'm pulling at straws. That this is all a bunch of little things masking bigger reasons. Reasons he and I cannot speak of again. I wonder if he has forgotten...

He feels I don't respect him. I haven't felt respected in years. We have so much to hash out if we were to try to actually go back to the table, that I could not do it. I have never forgiven him for abandoning me when I most needed a husband--when he showed me he didn't have the balls for the job. I have high standards but I am also needy. I am an extremely emotional person who needs a partner who can be strong enough for me to lean on when I need to lean, and to lead me when I am blind.

With him, I have never once felt we had reached that level of compenetration and trust. I wanted an equal. Instead it has been orderer-doer; motivator-follower....much, as I see it, a military establishment (which is all he knows in his professional life).

He told me to go back to counseling, find someone else since I ended up "firing" my first and only counselor I had ever had. She was the one to cancel on me and never call me back when she said she would--she had started trying (what I felt) to micromanage my time and question my priorities ("mental health isn't a priority if you have to even think about whether you should use your only gym time during the week to meet with me," for example...it was getting ridiculous and mothery). To be honest I wasn't getting much out of counseling. I dreaded it, trying to think of what on earth I was going to talk about that next week...we were down to once a month after being twice-weekly post-breakdown. I got out all I needed to say and went on with Life, discovering what I needed to do to make myself better--and talking to her about it without getting any solid suggestions from her wasn't getting me far. I get better help and solid direction from those who know rather than one speaking from theory's standpoint, from blogging.

So, in a nutshell is tonight's drama. I'm tired and would like to try to get some sleep now. I crave resolution--but sense that this ideal is far out of my reach yet. That scares and intimidates me. A sad fact is that, with more money, we would be able to move forward and get on with our lives. Perhaps our situation isn't permitting this for a reason. I'm not sure why...but right now it appears the only reason is to put me through hell.