I am uncertain as to how NOT to cry when my children leave to spend the day with their father.
It tears me, rips me, shreds my heart inside.
So I stand in the hot shower, hoping the tears will camoflauge into the water droplets.
Just to be able to enjoy that much more time with my children, should I just 'suck it up' and pretend we are one happy family again? Tell Him I am sorry for the strife I've caused. No, we will never sleep together again but maybe, just maybe I can live with a completely sexless life just to have my children around and make them feel they belong to a Whole.
I feel at the brink of making that sacrifice, just to not deal with this heartache. Can I be strong enough this time around so as to not enter into the downward spiral of an emotional breakdown again?
I don't know.
Is it worth a shot?
I don't know.
All I know is how empty I feel today, how I hid my tears from my children as they kissed me good-bye, how I sobbed behind the closed door. It isn't even 24 hours. Evidently my children are my everything; I cease to exist without them.
Now, to drown myself in a pool of lesson plans and preparations for the upcoming week.
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Don't do it!!!!!!!
ResponderEliminarIf you were "back together" he would return to his old ways of sitting around doing nothing. You would be resentful because he never does anything and you have to do it all. You would also be exhausted and frustrated because you don't get any time to yourself to get your work done. Your TEACHING work which you LOVE ALSO.
You have come a long way in this journey. I think that you are probably mourning what never will be, what probably never really was. You have to work through it without giving in to it. See it for what it really is.
And that's my advice from someone who's never been through it. So just take it for what it's worth.
Oh Sweetie, hang in there. I don't even know what to tell you because I struggle with the same issue. You are brave and strong. I'd say have some good strong coffee, listen to some music that brings out your inner warrior and write your children a beautiful letter about how much you missed them, it doesn't even matter if they see it. The writing can be the release.
ResponderEliminarCheesy internet hugs,
OC
Although our situations are not just the same, I can tell you this in the hope that it brings some comofort/reassurance - a year and a half after my split I can tell you the kids have adjusted to having two homes and are doing great. And so am I. It's gets easier as you go.
ResponderEliminarMapi my love,
ResponderEliminarI wish I could give you a big hug. But I can't, so simple words will have to do.
These are the darkest days. But it will get better. It might not seen like it now, but I promise you it WILL get better.
You are doing the healthy thing for you, and your children. And unfortunately, sometimes the healthy thing is painful. I wish I could change that, but I can't.
This is something that is unavoidable, and not very pleasant to endure. But it will get better. It just takes time. Week after week, month after month, it will slowly hurt less, and less.
The tears behind the door after the children have left will lessen. The agony you feel without them will subside.
You still have a wonderful life Mapi, and one day it will return to you. There is a perfect man out there waiting for your trail to cross his. And when you meet him it will be like your eyes opened for the first time.
Don't give up love.. This bad time will pass. And you will be the stronger for it.
Windy
I have to echo the others - it gets easier!
ResponderEliminarI cried for a year when my ex took my kids and he would take them for a weekend! Fortunately he is a timeshare dad so it was too often!
But I would be miserable. I wouldnt go out and if I did I was such a total grump that I would leave early!
It gets easier.
Embrace the time you have to yourself. Take a long bath, go for a walk or just sit and have a cup of tea!!
Going back for THIS reason is NOT right!
Hugs to you....
ResponderEliminarYou and I both know there is no going back, although goddess knows I have had the exact same thoughts as you over the last two weeks. Sundays are his days with her, and I miss her so much that the ache in my heart explodes into tears. Sometimes all day long. This is so new to me, this separation, and in spite of the fact that I see her every day, and I'm home with her when she's not in school, sometimes the separation is more than I can bear. So I understand where you're coming from...
I can't tell you it will get better because I don't know that. I do know that moving backwards is not an option you would enjoy for long - the old pain and resentment would come back, and your life would be uncomfortable in different ways. I try to find comfort in the things I enjoy - hot herbal tea, writing, playing the guitar, going for long walks. Those things cannot replace my child in my life, but they are things that feed my soul, and my soul badly needs nurturing right now.
The grieving process is not as straightforward as I once thought it was. I go back to depression, suffering the loss, over and over. Not only the loss of my child, but of the family and life that I loved. Yes, it was my choice to end the relationship, I had many good reasons to do so, but throwing out everything that was wrong also means throwing away the things that I treasured. Some days I wonder if it's worth all the pain. Other days, like today, I know that I will be better, and my life will be better for the decisions I've made. And I thank the universe that my E has a father who loves her, who wants to be involved in her life on a daily basis. There are so many kids that suffer the loss of a parent when a relationship breaks down, and she won't be one of those kids.
Got it, understood. Just a generally shitty day all around, and there wasn't much I could have really done about it, anyway.
ResponderEliminarSome days are good, others not so. I think my bad day was merely exacerbated by the fact that, on my weekend, I did have to give up a day due to yesterday being his birthday. Then it snowballed from there.
But I did do 20:40 on a 3 mile elliptical run in the morning. That was about my highlight.
Be well, all. And thank you for the warmth.
Arial, you are extremely eloquent in your words and reflect exactly how I have felt. Thank you. That means a lot.
ResponderEliminarOh, exercise is a really good thing. When I miss my kids like crazy, I hop on my bike and ride for hours.
ResponderEliminarI can totally relate to how you feel when they leave. It's sad and painful when the kids go away. But they do come back. And like other readers said, it does get easier. Just takes time. Focus on all you have, not on your loss.
My kids are happily adjusted to two homes. Their schedule has grown more fluid over time. They swing by my house after school every day now, whether they are with me or their mom, just to hang out with me and do homework here.