Because I usually read situations and people fairly well, and my sixth sense is rather well-developed, I knew this was going to happen.
As my job continues to be managing financial matters in this house (or somebody would be completely screwed), I had to enter his private lair to grab the personal property tax bill on his truck. Due to last year's accident, I implored him to appeal the $14,500 value placed on this car; the total damage bill came to $12,000 and some change. Therefore he had the bill in his possession. Regardless of appeal, the bill needs to be paid in full, then next years' will be prorated appropriately.
Entering his room, I saw a collection of photos that are now looking over his bed. Nice, happy family pictures, our wedding picture...as if he is creating some little idyllic existence in which he somehow believes, deep down, that everything is going to be just fine. Then the little details in his speech, the "if" as opposed to the certain "when" that he substitutes as if trying to brainwash me.
My head started to hurt. I left and went for a long walk.
I realize that, in all that he is not good for me, I am everything good for him. No wonder he doesn't want to let this go. He has won the gold. He has scored big-time. It doesn't matter to him how I feel; as long as he benefits from my presence, he is going to do everything to keep this going.
There. Now my head doesn't hurt quite so much anymore. I feel like I knew this was going to occur since I started being "courteous" and "businesslike", in that it has been a step-up from the silence I have maintained--maintained precisely for the purpose of not raising false hopes.
No matter how much I try, and with steps forward that I feel like I take, I then end up feeling more trapped. But, evidently, it is not all about me and how I feel--it never has been, and I'm not certain that I can do what will keep me healthy and still be in the best interest of my children, allowing them to have time with their father.
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Oh sweetie. That is hard. You do need to remember that what your children really need is a healthy you!
ResponderEliminarIt sounds like he cares very much for all of you so I would think that he would still be readily available as a great father. I, of course, don't know the entire situation but from what I've read...
Take care of yourself. Long walks help.
Oh Mapi....
ResponderEliminarI know what you feel like. When I told my wife I wanted a divorce she entered a state of denial the likes of which I have never seen before. She broke out the wedding photos that she had previously never cared about, the whole thing..
I'll never forget the night we finally had it out.. She had convinced herself that nothing was wrong, and that we were going to stay married. (even though she was having an affair, and stealing money from our bank account and hiding it in another account )
It was truly dealing with a delusional person who had no firm grasp on the reality of the situation. And I had to to be very, very, careful that I didn't get sucked into it. She tried everything to make me think everything would eventually work out. Dinners waiting for me, all the emotional bribery attempts. (including sexual advances.)
She wanted us to stay together because it was to HER benefit, not mine. She would still have had the lavish lifestyle, the house on the lakeshore, and no one would ever have to know that things weren't anything short of perfect in her world.
Screw the fact that I was bleeding to death emotionally inside. It was all about her, and if I was suffering that was fine by her.
T is spot-damn on.. It's about a healthy YOU. If you aren't physically and emotionally healthy it will affect not only your life, but your childrens as well. You deserve to be happy, and free of that sort of oppression.
It's a very heavy burden to bear. I remember the weight very well Love. I'm here anytime you need to talk. Just dial the digits. Night or day..
Windrider
You are in a really hard place. Is it better to make the break short and sharp or a gradual tearing away - so gradual it doesn't hurt- a bit like working out how to take off a band aid that has done its job.
ResponderEliminarThinking of you.
Sounds rough. I think you're right he's making this idyllic space, and he benefits from your presence. But you're feelings and needs matter too. Your sixth sense is a good one! (It's probably how we all found each other on these blogs)
ResponderEliminarWhat a challenging situation. T is right on. It is so hard to take care of ourselves because we put our kids first. They need us to be at our best though - and sometimes that means putting ourselves first. Sometimes it is hard to be the strong one.
ResponderEliminarLong walks help as do great friends... and hey frozen custard I hear works wonders... or maybe Cenans...;)
I am thankful I did not have that kind of divorce. But I did break up with someone after a year and it later became clear to me that it was never really about me or what I wanted. There is nothing like a long walk to clear your head - take as many of them as you need.
ResponderEliminarIt is amazing what people will do to try to keep things the same. The stories I could tell you, but I really try not to think about those things anymore.
ResponderEliminarRemember, when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
Sometimes I just don't know what to say. Sometimes i feel like my masculine words will be hollow to your ears. That I can't really understand. I'm not sure. But know this. I love you friend and will support you in all the ways I can.
ResponderEliminarYes...it is my life and my happiness does count. Today's post hits on that.
ResponderEliminarT, I know he cares a great deal about me and the children. I care about him. Unfortunately, simply caring about a person does not make that person one's ideal mate. And yes, the long walks are becoming a nightly routine!
Windy, I know you know. And your insights from what you have lived help tremendously.
Kay, I'm good. I just need a place to let off my steam, and this is safest! :) Sometimes clarity comes after reading my own words...I'm still working on becoming a better listener, even to myself.
Dads, I don't feel it's my place to take his "utopia" away, but I also don't want to be fostering false hopes. Operating in the reality that the majority of the world lives in helps us all--I just don't think he is here...or perhaps it is me who is in the wrong reality?
Frozen custard...I have not gotten there all summer, TE. Yet I did get my Cenan's purchase in yesterday at the farmer's market...however, the chocolate fudge cake I bought myself at Whole Paycheck yesterday is doing more for me than just about anything! :)
Citizen, I don't know your entire situation, but I honestly was so naive when I got married to think that I could learn to love a person who could give me security, at the sacrifice of not feeling fulfilled. I also thought that would change as we grew to know each other. Turns out I was wrong. Blame is not all on him; it takes two to tango.
Z, that is a favorite refrain of mine! Never realized how true it is until late...you always make me smile, thanks!
Brad, I am not man-bashing here, and you have been reading me enough, I think, to know that I welcome any thoughts--I don't want nor expect everything to run parallel to my universe. How else can I grow and learn if others' points of view aren't expressed? Plus, it is true that only half the story is expressed here, and in that, only part of the half I wish to tell. I consider those the greatest friends those who are honest and say whatever they need to. Please! :)
Be well, all.