The few places He has looked to move into have been co-op living arrangements, in which you have your own space (being your bedroom) and everything else is shared, which means that responsibilities for cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, grounds maintenance, trash, etc. is shared.
So--as He is still in this house, is he somehow exempt from the responsibilities of running and maintaining the house? I find it excrutiatingly interesting that, on my weekends without children I have to vacuum, do the shopping, pay the bills, mow the lawn, and even cook for the children if they're in the house. On top of, of course, getting my professional work done as that is my only no-children worktime when I don't have students scheduled (a big downside of working from home).
However, he gets a weekend out of the office and gets to sit on his ass and pick at his head and watch TV and do nothing. Trash? Forget it, I have to do it. Grass? Forget it, I have to do it. Vacuum? Fortunately, did it while he took the kids to church yesterday. I even brought my work to She-ra's house yesterday and got two good hours of organizing and binding in because all he did was sit there looking like he was waiting for us to go.
I had to be firm with him this weekend because his brother calls (how he ends up getting a sibling out here while I am still completely family-less is beyond me. Wins again.) and wants him to bring the kids out for time together yesterday. I said that he had them last weekend and this is my weekend, aside from the fact that I had already made plans for us. I agreed I would be flexible, but I ought not be the only one who is required to be flexible; I need down time with the kids that does not involve trying to get them from one place to another, getting homework done, and working while they play together. I should not have to make my down time with the kids the errand time, the shopping time, the cutting grass time each and every week. Sometimes that is necessary; when I can roll it all into the weekly routine, that works fine but it does not always work out that way.
So he was surprised that I stood my ground, I think, and felt a bit lost...most likely akin to how I felt last weekend when they left. And just because I had other plans did not mean that I had to leave the house at a given hour and go. It just meant that he could not take them, but that they were completely fine entertaining themselves for a while as I finished up a few things.
Yes, I would love to be able to get to the gym this morning or do something all alone since a student cancelled. But instead I will have to fill that time with grocery shopping just to have something to eat in the house, since he sat on his ass all day yesterday, only ate granola cereal and chips so that he would not have to get any groceries, and use what is normally a work day to further fulfill household responsibilities that should have been completed this weekend.
I understand fully that this is how it will be when he is not around. However, there will also be one less person (big person) to have to clean up after, and the separation issue with the children will be much more defined than it is now. So do I have right to complain? A part of me is afraid to open my mouth--out of fear of appearing that I just can't do it alone. And I can do it...I just don't feel it's right for one to have a "free ride".
Or am I missing something completely? Is he somehow exempted as he earns the Big Paycheck? Does that give all rights to being able to take a full weekend ass-sitting break?
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Girl!!!! You can do it alone. However if he's making the mess too and eating the groceries, he needs to be pulling his weight as well. What would happen if you did take an ass-sitting weekend?
ResponderEliminarArgh! I can't say anything positive so I'll just shut up.
I do agree with standing your ground and speaking up. And also with going somewhere else to get away. (Ugh! Reminds me of when we lived together or even when he'd moved out but would just hang out at the house instead of going somewhere else. It'd just be nice to have YOUR house to YOURSELF right?)
Anyway..... hang tough, my friend!
I could rant and rave about this.. But I wont.
ResponderEliminarMy advice is to not cut the grass. Let the lawn get long and shaggy. Don't take the trash out. Let the bags pile up for a couple of days.
Then let him say something about it and tell him you are on strike.
My ex-wife did the same damn thing right before we split up. I was doing everything and she nothing. I started just buying food for myself and using it the same day I bought it. When she balked because there was nothing in the cupboard or fridge I told her she could starve to death, or go shopping.
I just stopped doing everything. when she'd ask why something wasn't done, I tell her to do it.
Stand firm Mapi! And that doesn't work throw him out!
T, I know I *can* do it alone. If I took an ass-sitting weekend, my daughter wouldn't have one of her softball coaches (and would show up late, if at all, to the game), the kids would be fed badly and I would have to listen to them scream at each other all day as He won't take them outside to, I don't know, play catch.
ResponderEliminarThe only detail, T and Windy, is that I run a business out of my home. My clients see a well-tended garden and that says a lot about me. The trash can't build up because it would stink. And the kids need to have good food to eat...as do I, so I can be a good and healthy mama llama to them. The home business is great for me--but requires me to keep everything up no matter what.
My counselor told me to just leave things for him to do. I do that and nothing happens. After about two weeks of looking at that sitting there, I can't take it anymore and just do it myself. I think two weeks is fair enough time to let things sit.
So there we go...and here we are. Holding on for this ride.
Man, I feel like super-bitch llama today! :) Get me some chocolate, stat.
Be well, both.
This would frustrate me to no end. I don't even live with my daughter's dad and his lack of involvement frustrates me to no end! I have to keep reminding myself that it his his loss, not mine... but that is a different subject.
ResponderEliminarYou make a choice to feed your kids, to keep a nice house, and to put your best foot forward to your students etc. You are showing your kids much in those choices. Stand strong and keep making choices that are about you and loving yourself and your kids!
And I know, that sounds easy etc, but honestly, sometimes it just hellps me to consider the choices I have and to remember that I am making them out of love for me and my daughter.
ARGH this would seriously make me loose my mind!!!!!
ResponderEliminarBeing on your own isnt as hard as this is - seriously!!
Having someone not contribute is NOT on! Even the kids learn to do their bit so an adult really should know better!!!
I was once the 'big paycheck' earner and I did set on my ass a bit too much until it was pointed out that earning the money doesn't mean a free ride.
ResponderEliminarIt's his responsibity to take care the kids too. Your not being a mean mama llama - just real. It can't be good for the kids to see this inequality.
Hola Mama LLama
ResponderEliminarGreetings from Spain.
Es una sorpresa encontrar tu blog por el nombre de mamallama.
It is funny
Congratulations
saludos del Poeta Vagabundo
I wouldn't complain - he probably wants to fight to keep the energy flowing between you, even if it's negative. Best thing is to get into two separate places. Then you can keep your place the way you want, without resenting his free ride.
ResponderEliminarOh, and I totally related to the part about him wanting the kids to visit his brother, but it was your time with the kids and it's fine for them to hang out. I run into this with my ex all the time! It's frustrating, but you have to hold your ground. Good job sticking up for yourself!
He just needs to be out, that's all there is to it. Then you'd still be doiing all thw work at your place but you wouldn't be feeing nearly as resentful. My heart goes out to you.
ResponderEliminarYep, don't cut the grass, don't take out the trash. Do what you need to do and leave the rest.
ResponderEliminarI can't tell you how happy I was to go from 10 loads of laundry a week to 3 when I moved out. That's right. Seven count em, Seven loads a week he generated.
Thing is, why should he leave when you do everything for him?
We have only been trying to do the physical separation/shared space thing for a couple of months now. It was so not working that we realized we were going to have to swallow the financial pill and find an alternative. Or kill each other.
ResponderEliminarJust a few hours ago, we found the ideal spot - it's sort of communal, except that there's only one other occupant of the house, N's quiet, male co-worker. He gets full use of the house. It's two blocks away so E can see him whenever she wants - and when I'm working, we can share school pick-ups et cetera. But he's always been a fully participating parent, he cleans more than I do - we share the workload equally.
I'm so lucky! When things like this happen, it's like a sign that we're heading in the right direction.