response to Dad's House

Certainly not a defense...but I started to respond to the post over at Dad's House today and it turned into much more than a response.

Dad is completely right. Feeling hoochie-mama-esque does, and ought to, come from within. And I am not looking for someone to fulfill all of that--but instead I illustrate how good it is for me when I have my partner by my side. Unfortunately, I can't say I ever felt like how I described in the previous post in my marriage.

When I feel on, I feel on. And it's great, albeit rare. There is such a feeling, though, that all parents (correct me if I'm wrong, please) single or married experience--that certain feeling of gender-neutralization. I am not Woman--I am mother, errand-runner, accountant, dishwasher, cook, laundromat, grocer, sports coach, professional in my own right--and the idea of being a sexual being is completely negated, not only by myself but by others with whom I interact.

(Sidenote: perhaps this is why I so enjoy communicating in Spanish, as there is a constant recognition of the gender of the other--adjectives must agree in gender with the nouns they modify, you are guapo, I am guapa. I love to know I'm being recognized as a woman. --okay, sociolinguistics lesson over, back to the post.)

In this marital split, I am learning the benefits (emotional, health-related, etc.) of being true to myself. In many ways, that now comes so naturally to me as I am no longer living a lie to myself or to others. I am no longer with a man who says he loves me but cannot--or will not--learn to give me even a little of what I need while I fulfill all of his needs, wants and desires.

This is the first year that I am starting to notice great physical changes as well. My skin is losing the elasticity it once had. Blemishes and bruises no longer heal at lightning-speed rates that they used to. My feet hurt and I am always cold. I am realizing that time is passing-ten years have passed, two children birthed with this man and I am not the young sexy thing I once was. The season is changing and I recognize a great deal of these feelings parallel negativity about increased hours of darkness during the day. So I take self-help steps where I can--and feel at the same time a carpet being pulled out from under my feet as age starts to make an appearance.

I also know how sex can release so many endorphines to help us feel good about ourselves. Naturally, in the act we have to release our inhibitions and bare everything to another, who accepts and loves us in that form. That acceptance does wonders for manifesting hoochie-mama feelings! Yet when not having sex that feeling fades and I no longer feel sexy as I no longer have that pure acceptance in my life, in which it is not anything I don that makes me sexy--it is instead the fact that two can revel in the absolute essence of each other that makes me feel so sexy, from the inside-out.

I know I have felt this way for a long time, but have not had the guts to write on it. I am feeling freer and more courageous, thanks in great part to knowing I am simply not alone.

So...back to my cute jeans, high heels and leather jacket today. I'm going to go shopping while children are in school! Hoochie-mama this, baby!