a bouquet of crap

I don't watch much TV, except 1/2 hour of news in Spanish on Univisión followed by my Show, Yo amo a Juan Querendón. My favorite ad was just on. It's a car commercial, a young "mover and shaker" who takes girls on a ride in his car...on a very curvy road. Each time they hit a curve in the road, whatever it is that the female passenger has in her hand (popcorn, ice cream, a drink, etc.) falls all over the lap of the young male "mover"...and then the girl, all apologetic, leans over his lap to clean it up. And this scene repeats with three or four different young ladies, each time showing the guy's face looking extremely happy with the results of the "unfortunate" accidente.


ooo la la

Okay.

From time to time I get in my "I need to save the world because nobody else is going to do it" mood like I was yesterday, but admittedly the news yesterday angered me greatly. I will keep myself appraised of that situation.

However, today I am definitely feeling much more...hmmmm, shall I say ¿self absorbed?

heh heh heh

I am working on my self-image issues. I am trying to figure out what about me physically gives me confidence and what, precisely, does NOT. It would be incredibly self-righteous and FALSE of me to say that, in my life, my physical condition does not affect my self-confidence; a good hair day does worlds for how I feel about myself, how my day goes, etc.

So let's be self-absorbed today. Start with hair. It is longer than I've had it in a long time. I'm happy--I can throw it back into my "frumpy" loose messy bun like I did today and still appear in public now. I have finally let it go to reach about mid-shoulders in back. It's good. Some days better than others. I really am going to need to visit Z, my "magician" one of these days, however.

Next to skin. Ugh. Sometimes I feel like a teenager. A 35 year old teenager. I hate hormones although the hormonal treatment I am now on seems to affect my skin. I hate it. I have never liked my skin, although it is not as bad as others'. I can be so vain. Some of it has to do with soy in products for my hair or my skin that I use, so I am learning what to use and what to avoid. It is a constant learning process.

Next to breasts. It seems so superficial and shallow of me, but I would love the tiniest, most minimal of boob jobs. There is so much regarding one's identity as a woman that I, as many women do, attach (and perhaps mistakenly so) to the existence of a certain degree of opulence. So superficial, I know...but I also know the other side of the equation, after having experience Mommy Boobs during and following my pregnancies, that were, frankly, to die for. Too bad they were always too sore to enjoy...

Later, to tummies. I am blessed with a decent, albeit a bit too slender, physique. I have always despised my tummy, though. I'm not sure why. Being very white-skinned and fair-toned, I have been cursed with what my mother would always call "beauty marks", the existence of which I was convinced was indicative of a definite lack of beauty. Some have been removed, others still remain. I am thinking that, perhaps, a navel ring will help me there. That I can do, it is simply a matter of arranging the appointment for a time that I have no children with me...which is usually at a time that such piercing parlours are not yet open...and hopefully with a partner in crime to hold my hand (!). I will figure that one out. In time.

Okay. That about covers things right now. Plus I'm getting too tired to think anymore tonight, even at this level. I guess I am just feeling superficial and inadequate at this point. We all have those days, ¿no?

I'll be back to saving the world tomorrow.

killings on the Galápagos

I spent four nights and five days on the Galápagos Islands in December 1992.

This was the voyage of a lifetime. In those five days my ideal of "paradise" was defined for me. As we landed and deboarded the plane, we removed our shoes so as not to transfer the harmful, non-native Guayaquileño microorganisms from the mainland to the pristine lands we were about to discover.

***

The past years have seen an increase in bad news for the Islands. Non-native species initially introduced for pest control are now overtaking what used to be native-only habitats. These native species are now threatened, a few have completely died out, as their eggs or young are food for the wild dogs, goats, cats and even monkeys. There are new insect populations that have been introduced in the past 15 years that before did not exist, which are damaging the flora; immigration is forcing over-fishing of the surrounding waters due to lack of other work on the Islands; and tourism is not being kept under control.

The warming of the waters surrounding the Islands is causing the death of many coral reefs and, consequently, much of the fish that feed off of those reefs or use them as their shelter. The Equatorial line runs right through the north part of the largest island of Isabela. Indeed, upon my return to Ecuador in 1997, I visited the beach town of Salinas one day to find the ocean water (just a couple of degrees south of the Equator) as warm as hot tub water. Talking to a few of the locals, they said that tourism in Salinas was at an all-time high that year as the waters have never, in recorded history, been so warm. (1997 was an El Niño year, hence the warm water; it was the next year that major hurricanes hit the Gulf Coast and Central America, including Mitch, and as I was living then in New Orleans, I was flooded in a tropical storm up to my waist on Broadway Street next to Tulane and, two weeks later, was fleeing a different Cat5 that was heading right for us but, at the last minute, turned and slammed into Mobile.)

Just today, the BBC Mundo paper online to which I subscribe described that 53 sea lions were just found on Isla Pinta, one of the 16 main islands that make up the archipelago, but that lies to the north of the Equator, with their heads bashed in. There was no apparent reason for this attack; they were not dismembered and it did not appear they were used in any way for body parts. They don't have natural predators on land and normally do not fear humans; I was, in fact, chased by one who I got too close to for a photograph back in 1992. Obviously, I got away...those sea lions can be HUGE.

Nobody can find a motive for the attack on these sea lions, which included 13 pups.

Survival of the fittest, indeed. Bah.

This saddens me terribly, as much as it saddens me to learn of the now paved streets that did not before exist, the disrespect shown to what was once one of the last uncontaminated spots on Earth.

***

When I put my shoes on upon boarding my tiny commuter flight back to Guayaquil, I knew deep in my heart that I would never again return. Once to pay respect is adequate; twice can be abusive, taking more of mine than what is mine to take. I would love to share this beauty with my children but, alas, it is no longer the wonder that it once was, and will never return to that state. I will forever hold the memories of counting dozens of shooting stars at night, walking through the dusty paths by starlight, hearing the distant bays of the few wild dogs there actually were in 1992 in harmony with the gentle lapping of the Enchanted Islands' unpredictable ocean currents washing up on the beach of Puerto Ayora, Santa Cruz.

spies

La Princesita and the Young Prince are spies today.

They are currently running through the house, various hats from Princesita's collection on their heads, sunglasses on faces, magnifying glasses in hand, looking for "clues"...

Once in a while a random door shuts with intensity. Not slams, but there is purpose. A mission.

Mine must be to ensure my entire home is not trashed in this game.

*----*

A magical thing occurs at night when the children are tuckered out. They cuddle up, we read stories and then they want me to sing to them. They always ask for "The Pony Song." It goes like this:

Hush a bye, don't you cry
Go to sleep my little babies
When you wake, you shall have
All the pretty little horses.

In your head, Momma said
Baby's riding off to dreamland
One by one, they've begun
Prance and dance for little baby.

Blacks and bays, dapples and grays
Running through the night
When you wake, you shall have
All the pretty little horses.

Can you see the little horses
Dance before your eyes?
All the pretty little horses
Will be there when you arise.

So--hush a bye, don't you cry
Go to sleep my little babies
When you wake, you shall have
All the pretty little horses.

This I sing in a minor key. Haunting but calming, deep, my alto range enjoys this in the nighttime hours. I sang this to each of them, as a sort of an experiment, and also to calm myself at times, during my pregnancies. It so turned out that, when I would begin to sing this when they were both newborn, they would immediately calm down and listen to the song; indeed, they recognized it and my voice. One night, when the Young Prince was but four weeks old, I was traveling at night with him and a friend in the car. He would not cease to cry so I excused myself and just started singing to him that very song. He could not see me, as I was in the front seat driving, but the sound of my voice calmed him so that he could stop screaming--and my friend was amazed.

When I sing this, the neatest things occur, as did last night. The Young Prince will cuddle up with his sister, or with me, nuzzle up like a fawn would nuzzle with the top of its head, start to caress his sister's hair and tell her that he loves her. She will embrace him. They become so loving of each other, so tolerant of each other's desire to share the other's personal space for their last waking moments of their day. I just sit back, sing, watch the magic, and hope that this will help them to be the closest of siblings as they grow throughout life.

The minor key is funny; I've always been attracted to music in minor due to the range of emotions it evokes in me, however difficult it might be to play or master scales in minor (and I HATED doing scales...I only ever whipped them out for auditions, and when I could get away with it, I skipped them!). Now, when I sit down to play (excuse me, TRY to play) the Mozart "Twinkle Twinkle" variations on the piano, guess which is their favorite?

"Mommy, play the Halloween one!"

I have SO prejudiced them against nice, clean resolution and major, upbeat tones. Ja!

Good for me!

Not following meme rules...

...again. Perhaps I, deep down, wouldn't want to be mistaken in thinking that anyone would want to be linked up to little ol' me. Or that anyone would actually ever do something I have tagged them to do. However, I am very interested in this one, it is extremely insightful, and if you do decide to do this please let me know in comments. I will neither mention where it came from nor tag any particular person above any others as we all share that which we wish to share.

And unlike my birthday month meme (I am May, but I permitted my llama alter-ego to shine through just a bit much), I choose to be who I am, who I once was...in this meme.

The only rule I follow is:

1. Post 5 links to 5 of your previously written posts. The posts have to relate to the 5 key words : family, friend, yourself, your love, anything you like.

a. Family: My darling Princesita is the Butterfly Girl (May 2006)
b. Friends: Our friend Jones and his plight in Malawi of 2006. There are a series of links telling this story, 1., 2., 3., and 4.
c. Myself: Probably my greatest passion.
d. My love: My children, my teaching, my students...
e. Anything: The time the Young Prince flooded my kitchen...

ice skating with Royalty

The great adventure of the day: To the Land of Ice.

Also known as the local ice rink.

As I knew we weren't going to make it a full 3 1/2 hours, I passed La Princesita off as "5 and younger" to save a few cents and she, the Young Prince and I, the Queen, got our llama hooves sized right and skates donned.

It was a bit crowded, as expected for a Sunday, but I am sure it will be even moreso tomorrow with a day off for the local school district. It's one of the largest school districts in the Nation, so...

La Princesita appeared frightened of the daunting task at hand; her courage melting away faster than Frosty in the greenhouse scene. So Mamacita had to think fast; I could not hold both little creatures up by myself at the same time. So the Young Prince went to the bench, where he could stand and watch through the window the rink action, right at the entrance to the rink, and I could see him the entire time. That worked. Made it around once with La Princesita. Then dropped her there and took the Young Prince out for a spin. That worked. Then vice-versa. There were other mothers there with young children not skating at all, and they seemed to quickly see my dilemma so they stepped in to "entertain" one child while the other was out with me. We're all in this together, ¿no?

Quickly, however, La Princesita regained her brave composure and balance, and spent the last hour or so revolving around the rink at her own speed and pleasure. The Young Prince, also gaining his "ice legs" was soon able to allow Mamacita to only hold his hand instead of skating backwards in front of him to keep him up, and just glided like a pro the last hour. I think he was the youngest, or definitely among the very youngest, out there and did amazing well for his first time ever on ice.

We made it just over two hours. Amazing. It worked out. How wonderful that we are finally getting to that age of being able to do activities like this together!

Then a Buckies hot cocoa treat for the skaters, two of which had kind of royally icy buns (brrr) despite my attempts at layered, padded clothing.

a very poignant thought

The Point of Marriage

"The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky."
- Rainer Maria Rilke

I am not sure how much of the above citation I agree with--elements, yes, but the entirety, no--but it is expressed with such certainty that I have no doubt as to the belief of the author that these words are, indeed, true for her.

And with that I bid you a good night.

cashew butter and jelly on rice cakes

Jon Stewart, one of my favorite comedian-satirists, once said that the only difference between a rice cake and a styrofoam cup is that the styrofoam cup actually fills you up.

No frickin' duh.

Today I am in a Funk. Notice the Capital F. I did get up, but slept in (which means not getting up at 5). Out of the house by 7. To the gym. Decided to lower weights by 10 lbs for everything I do, yet up my reps to 15, and try to keep within 10 points of my target heart rate on elliptical. Why? Because I'm losing weight and I should not be losing weight. My thyroid numbers, on last check in October, were fine so that means my hummingbird-like metabolism has sped up to that of, oh I don't know...what goes faster than a hummingbird, a bumblebee? I don't KNOW. Point is, I should not get to below 120 lbs. Ever. That's what I weighed in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL. So I need to lower weights but continue to maintain tone. More yoga. Need to find a yoga class that fits my new schedule.

Okay. Get home, made myself gluten-free pancakes and sausage. Yummers. (Truly...not being sarcastic, it was so good it was almost orgasmic. I mean, real food.) I am paying for going off-diet with horribly itchy breakouts on my arms and abdomen, as well as in my mouth, my tongue remains slightly swollen. Yuckers. So back to being strict with myself. Guess I'm still allergic...

But that's is now all, besides 1/2 bar of really good but really expensive dark chocolate, I have had to eat. I had class, I have worked all afternoon, took a break to visit She-Ra in neighboring Queendom and now continue on in The Royal Funk.

When in the Funk I do not eat.

See the vicious cycle?

So I decided that, tonight, I would make myself a cashew butter (since that's all I have open at the moment) and jelly sandwich on rice cakes...since I don't have bread that I can eat and I really can't stand the gluten-free crap out there--and wheat bread makes my stomach turn anyway.

Turns out that all the rice cakes that are left are so broken that there is no human way to spread cashew butter and jelly over them. None at all. My kids like to eat them like that; they call them popcorn.

Whatever floats the royal boat.

So that leaves me, in Funkland, with a bunch of healthy soy-free gluten-free snack bars I tried to make myself this week and totally failed (of course--it's me in the kitchen) to get them to stick together...so they are in essence a bunch of sickly sweet cereal crumbs wrapped in ClingWrap.

Yummers.

I don't even think I have a bottle of wine in the house, and it is honestly too damn cold out to even want to go out to the store to buy myself something, just to feed my Funk a little more. Probably not the smartest thing to do...but I suppose sometimes I am just not the sharpest tool in the shed, anyway.

So I will sit in front of my sunlamp, work some more while drinking hot lemon water and eat birdseed crumbs sweetened with an apricot jelly/brown sugar/butter mixture that failed to hold it all together.

You know what I would rather do tonight? Go dancing. Laugh.

That, my darlings, appears to No Longer Be in My Cards.

The Birthday month meme

Okay, okay, here it is. The Birthday month meme. I already don't follow the rules, so I will not tag anyone nor mention where it came from. Suffice it to say, you are not alone--*wink*.

The birthday month descriptions are below.

I guess you're supposed to take the appropriate birth month and highlight what is so very you, and explain why. So here is what a reincarnated, 600-year old Incan Sun Goddess (now a damn proud llama) has to say:

MAY:

Stubborn and hard-hearted. Dude, I'm a llama. Get in my way and I spit in your face.
Strong-willed and highly motivated. Back in The Day my people and I build Machu Picchu without cranes and modern equipment. That takes will and motivation.
Sharp thoughts. I hate these tourists.
Easily angered. Like I said, you cross my place, I spit in your face.
Attracts others and loves attention. Who doesn't love my beautiful, warm fur and big, brown, long-lashed eyes? I pose well for photos.
Deep feelings. I remain true to My People.
Beautiful physically and mentally. Beauty is, of course, in the eye of the beholder...depends on if big furry beasts of burden are your cup of tea...
Firm Standpoint. I Budge for No Tourist.
Needs no motivation. When surrounded by this beauty, who needs motivation?
Easily consoled. Just pat my belly just right...ahhh, there...and on my nose...yeah...and a little behind my ears...mmmm perfect! Just don't come anywhere near me with shears.
Systematic (left brain). Like I said, look at the mathematical and architectural genius it took to develop this lost kingdom in the cusp of the mountains high above the Río Urubamba.
Loves to dream. Some may confuse my dreaming with living in the past. But when you are a llama who used to be an Incan princess, well...sometimes the past is worth living in.
Strong clairvoyance. When walking through the ruins, I can hear the prayers of my people echoing through the stones. The spirit of my people continues to live here.
Understanding. I suppose I can understand how this clean mountain air can intoxicate newcomers, making them act like fools.
Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Well, when your neck is this long, geez, it's just asking for trouble.
Good imagination. I love to imagine the ones who disrespect my ruins falling over the edge of the cliff. This is a spiritual place demanding great respect, not for jumping around and doing crazy poses atop the rocks.
Good physical. um, physical what? I can prance and jump over these ruins in a single leap. Match that, Superman.
Weak breathing. Living this high up in the Andes, do I have a choice?
Loves literature and the arts. Yeah, well, I'm one well-educated llama.
Loves traveling. As long as I am among my spirits and my people, I am content.
Dislike being at home. Home has become so...touristy lately. Really.
Restless. Well, in the mountains, if you don't move yourself around even a well-furred llama can get cold!
Not having many children. Even though my mating time is great for a big animal (up to 45 minutes...whoopee!), my gestation period is almost 12 full months--who the hell would want to be pregnant for 12 months? Once, maybe only twice, is enough for me!
Hardworking. Sometimes I assist the local humans in getting goods up and down the mountain from the town of Aguas Calientes, at the base and across the Urubamba River from Machu Picchu. But they have to be really, really nice to me.
High spirited. Look at the view I have each and every day! Who wouldn't have high spirits?
Spendthrift. Considering the value of the sol to the dollar currently, I don't have a lot of extra spending money...and I have yet to evolve marsupial-esque pockets in which to carry my spare change.

----


Birth Month Traits:

JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people’s flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

potpourri day

There is a lot to think on now. So much, as always, to do. A list, perhaps, of what is done, half-done and yet to be done might help me with focus and prioritizing.

1. Finances are always pressing and, as I am The Accountant (not to mention the housekeeper, the cook, the childcare, the clothes-washer, the secretary, the answering service, the bill-payer, the taxi driver, the gardener, the repair woman--and that doesn't even include my own job!) I feel a strong need to get my taxes done early, to get the little kickback for the over $15,000 of interest paid on this /&*% mortgage last year. Every little bit helps. I am over halfway done with the taxes, so that is going to be good. Unfortunately, I have learned the hard way that so many things I did NOT save receipts for in my new business should have been saved to be deducted...part of the problem of doing it all myself, but I can't afford an accountant, so I have to swallow that pill this year, consider it part of the trial-and-error process, and hope that I will never be audited in following years for keeping everything and having higher deductions than this first year out.

2. Students are changing. In a way this is good, and the flux is part of the nature of my business. Two of my high-schoolers have decided to scale back because they have improved their grades to an A average in their first semester, which was their goal, and said they will only need me before a big project or when something else is pressing. Which is fine and good, makes me look good, of course, but now I have a couple of time slots to fill, so I need to start advertising again. However, I have a couple new students from the university at which I used to teach and a new nighttime class starting in a week and a half. I'm also working to design a couple new course offerings about which I can hopefully get word out and get new and a revolving supply of students. I'm zoned for four students at a time in my home classroom.

3. I need to renew my LLC with the State and my business licensure with the Town. At least this year, I have income to take that from. Last year that was hard to do as I was taking from personal funds to get started.

4. I would really like to offer a free Spanish Conversation Table at the local Library, and now that the new branch has opened up, perhaps my local library isn't so heavily booked. I'd rather do this closer to home than at the new branch; on nice days I can even walk. But I also need to find a time when children are in school, as they just are not old enough to spend an hour by themselves in the library! A free service like this is really nice to be able to offer, is a great way to advertise my business, and people can get a taste of who I am and what my teaching style is like, even through a very basic guidance in a conversational setting once a week, and perhaps would be a worthwhile investment of an hour of my time once a week.

5. Ideally, I would really like to work more again with the Hispanic migrant community, like I had done years ago back in the West, with ESL--I really have so much I can offer being bilingual and extremely comprehensive to their issues and needs. However, I also need to not spread myself too thin; I have a pretty full plate and my children are not yet in full-time school.

6. Still trying to get into La Princesita's classroom once a week. I know she has a couple of classmates who either speak only Spanish or very little English who she says she helps out a bit, and it would be nice to be able to get in there and assist the teachers a bit. Hasn't been able to work out yet. And I need to start meeting people.

7. The Young Heirs have a four-day weekend. What to do? Today we'll hit a museum...the "Dinosaur" museum is their favorite. Maybe Monday we can go ice skating. I have only one student tomorrow, but it really isn't my turn for children entertainment on Saturday and Sunday, so I am going off-duty and going to try to get some work done.

8. I need to, at the very least, get the conversations set for the last chapters of my book. I would like to have these illustrated and it would help to have the conversations done so that I can propose a job to my friend and see if she might be up for the (paid) task. I also need to see what I can do about designing my own website, not working off this template from this web service that I have been only moderately satisfied with. As I am not a graphic artist nor a web designer, this task is extremely daunting, as I want something simple yet very catchy---something very ME. I feel limited with what I've got, although it is good for now. My contract with this company is up in November and I would like to have something else up and running by that time, with my domain name that I've already reserved, set. But at a good price. I have web space via my internet connection but have only been moderately satisfied with their email service as well, and I cannot sacrifice quality when running a business...especially one in which I depend a great deal on the web for gaining business.

This is the beginning. Lots to think about, and lots more but the monitos are awake and it is time to get tummies fed and bodies dressed for another cold day.

Wish me luck...

my horoscope

"You may feel more comfortable in your own skin today than you have for a while. Fortunately, a noticeable lack of distractions enables you to express yourself in a highly creative manner. Don't waste this opportunity by daydreaming about unrealistic plans. Instead, temper your need for spontaneity with the determination to succeed at whatever you choose to accomplish."

I just read this now. The accuracy of this particular horoscope to which I subscribe on my homepage is fascinating to me, and this describes how I feel today. The Young Prince will not leave my side today because he hears me laughing and yes, I am. I feel great today, I feel like having fun but I have also worked and am getting things done while having fun.

Today is a wonderful day.

The Album Cover Game

Thanks, Lakota. The rules follow (I am such a novice, don't even laugh):



Rules:

1. Go to Wikipedia - The first article title on the page is the name of your band.
2. Click Random Quotes The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.
3. Visit Flickr- The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4. Use your graphics program of choice to throw them together, and post the result.
5. Have fun!

for some reason...

A lot of what I have read in many blogs this week has revolved around the idea of the pursuit of being happy with one's own self and about finding one's place and purpose in this world and in this life. For some reason all of these ideas reminded me of this song. He's one my favorites in a very trippy-sort of way, and sings in French, Spanish and English. This one is in English, with French repeating the last minute and a half or so at the end.

King of Bongo Bong-Manu Chao




Mama was queen of the mambo
Papa was king of the Congo
Deep down in a jungle
Last up banging life has Bongo

Every monkey like to be
In my place instead of me
Cause I'm the king of Bongo
Baby I'm the king of Bongo bong

I went to the big town
Where there is a lot of sound
From the jungle to the city
Looking for a bigger crown

So I play my Bongee
For the people of this city
But they don't go crazy
When I'm banging all my boogie
I´m the

King of the Bongo
King of the Bongo
Hear me when I come, baby
King of the Bongo
King of the Bongo

Nobody like to be
In my place instead of me
Cause nobody go crazy
When I'm banging all my boogie

I'm a king without a crown
And I'm losing a big town
But I'm the king of Bongo
Baby I'm the king of Bongo bong

King of the Bongo
King of the Bongo
Hear me when I come, baby
King of the Bongo
King of the Bongo
Hear me when I come

They said that I'm a clown
Making too much dirty sound
They said there is no place
For little monkey in this town

Nobody like to be
In my place instead of me
Cause nobody go crazy
When I'm banging all my boogie
I'm the

King of the Bongo
King of the Bongo
Hear me when I come, baby
King of the Bongo
King of the Bongo
Hear me when I come

Banging all my boogie
All that swing belongs to me
I'm so happy there's nobody
In my place instead of me

I'm a king without a crown
And losing a big town
But I'm the king of Bongo
Baby I'm the king of Bongo bong

King of the Bongo
King of the Bongo
Hear me when I come, baby
King of the Bongo
King of the Bongo
Hear me when I come

Mama was queen of the mambo
Papa was king of the Congo
Deep down in a jungle
Last up banging life has Bongo

Every monkey like to be
In my place instead of me
Cause I'm the king of Bongo
Baby I'm the king of Bongo bong

Hear me when I come
Hear me when I come, baby
King of the Bongo
King of the Bongo
Hear me when I come

Je ne t'aime plus mon amour
Je ne t'aime plus tout le jour
Je ne t'aime plus mon amour
Je ne t'aime plus tout le jour

Je ne t'aime plus mon amour
Je ne t'aime plus tout le jour
Je ne t'aime plus mon amour
Je ne t'aime plus tout le jour

my sensitive one

La Princesita (Second to The Throne) is an incredibly sensitive soul.

The moment she was born, my midwife said, "Those are eyes of an old soul." I have had so many people since, even complete strangers, say the same thing.

She is a lovely girl, physically. She has the external beauty I always wished I had, with an inner beauty and ability to feel, emote and empathize that a six year-old perhaps should not yet have. She can reach out to those who need help, and it is a blessing in the correct context (for example, in the schoolyard when someone is left out or has fallen and is crying, she is the one to come to the rescue). However, being such a deeply feeling person, as I can attest, comes with many drawbacks--among them feeling the need to carry the weight and the burdens of the world on her shoulders.

La Princesita is highly capable of emoting appropriately, and is very good with putting her feelings into words. That will help her.

Tonight as we were cuddling up in our bedtime routine, she wanted me to, instead of reading a traditional bedtime story, take out her baby book and look at it with me. So I did, she asked questions, I told stories, and it was lovely. I also made a "Grandparents" page in their baby books but, as my father was no longer alive by the time I had either of my children all I could do was put a photo of my father and I dancing at my wedding; the last time we were together when he was not being hospitalized. She asked who that was, and then asked me to tell her about him.

He was a beautiful man. He was a great teacher. He told jokes. He always kept his students interested by telling bad jokes. He was famous for his bad jokes. He coached basketball and football and even wrestling for a while. He was a good man.

This I told her.

She settled against me and asked me how he died.

I told her that he had had cancer of the liver, but that even though the doctors got all the cancer out there were complications, difficulties, problems that they could not solve, one doctor would prescribe medications that would cause side effects that another doctor would give him a different medication to offset and, because the doctors didn't communicate, this made him very sick until his body couldn't take the abuse anymore.

Then I told her that he had died before I got to him, that I had to fly back on the airplane, then the priest came from the church and we said the Our Father over him and I put my head on his chest as they unplugged the machine that was still making him breathe and his heart beat and cried as I listened to his heart stop.

And mi princesita started to sob.

"I feel so bad for Grandpa M---" she cried.

I just held her. Then I asked her if I told her too much. She looked into my eyes and shook her head "no". But she continued to sob. I told her that Grandpa M--- was not well. That even though his mind said that he wanted to live, his body could no longer fight, he was too sick. And the moment he died, he was no longer sick, no longer in pain, no longer suffering. And that his spirit is still with us, even right here as we speak, and that it gives me a lot of comfort and makes me feel good and secure.

She nodded.

But she cried herself to sleep as I kissed her tears away.

refreshed

Ahhhhh...

Good company, good food, good kids, good wine, good pool (billiards, not swimming!), good conversation, good rest...

Now back to reality. But much stronger and ready to take on whatever it is REALITY decides to throw my way.

road trip

I get to take the children on a road trip today! It is supposed to start snowing at our destination in the afternoon, so I would like to get there right about lunchtime. I think we are planning to return on Monday.

It is not a long trip, but it is along a notoriously heavy traffic corridor and, as I really have not driven much long-distance in a while, my anxiety starts to climb. It's not like I don't drive on the freeway anymore; I do all the time. But my point of view is so skewed...I don't trust a soul anymore.

She-Ra and I were going to caravan down (power in numbers) but it's looking probable that she won't make it today. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe that is what I need, to know that I can do this all by myself, again, finally. It has almost been two years...

I was going to go to the gym, but I think I had better stay and do a few last things here. I think we'll be leaving in the 9:30 arena, anyhow, and I'll have to hit the store and Buckies!

Have a wonderful weekend.

One More Student!

I am thrilled...my new M-Th night offering has filled to three students, I need one more to make it complete but have not a problem going on with only three students. Perfec-to.

So...anybody wanna learn some es-pan-yol? :)

Life is looking good. That was a very pleasant telephone call, to end the week. Now I will be really looking forward to starting that new course.

(big grin)

a taste...

I received enough "huh?"s regarding my great enthusiasm about Jon Stewart's return to his "newscasts" that I figured I would give those of you not familiar with his humor a bit of a taste. With him, pretty much anybody is fair game. If you don't like satire, well...don't bother!

Life back to normal

2 hour delays aren't really worth it for me, because I end up with less than an hour of alone time on a day that I was supposed to have 3 hours alone time. But it wasn't all bad.

Other Queen from Neighboring Kingdom whose chariot encountered, quite unfortunately, a tree and a sign in the icy roads of yesterday, came by with her young princes in tow to pick up said chariot, which I babysat last night in my drive. The young heirs to the throne got to play in the snow this morning while the Queens enjoyed a cup of hot tea each and some pleasant conversation. Then they were off, my princesita off to school, and must pick up the Young Prince, who has been in school since 9, at noon.

Oh, well. We do what our circumstances permit us. The princesita has a playdate with one of her "boyfriends" this afternoon, whose nanny will bring her home when they are done. Yippee! This could be the beginning of quite a sweet alliance...

Now to eat--the Queen is starving.

test?

my blog appears to not function..?

heavy breathing

No, definitely NOT what you're thinking.

(I know, rats)

I shoveled the entire driveway, my sidewalk, and that of both sides of me. Because it had stopped snowing, started icing and it's easier to shovel now four inches or so of powdery-just starting to slush than pure slush (the mere thought of which just kills my back).

And it iced.

And now it's snowing again. I thought we were done. Guess not.

Who needs a gym when you have Mother Nature? ;)

snow!

It started snowing around 10, and now as of noon we have about 3 inches of big, fluffy snow outside my house. The Young Prince and I made one heck of a killer snowman, but that was already an hour and a half ago. One friend just called from around the corner needing the police number as she slid right off the road and into a sign. It's nasty, but the schools aren't doing anything but cancelling afternoon and evening classes. Fortunately that doesn't concern me as I walk around the corner to pick La Princesita. But they should close early. I would not want my high schooler driving home in this; most roads are not treated or plowed and even the road where my friend called from is one of the busiest, first-priority roads for treatment.

So I'm good and staying put, except for walking down to get La Princesita in twenty minutes.

And then to shovel.

Nothing like some good old fashioned physical labor to make me feel alive.

heavy

I am just feeling so heavy. So much weighing me down. Jobs to do, trying to fill another class, taxes, finances, unexpected RDOs (that absolutely KILL me--probably hence the funk), the not-feeling-anything--I don't feel like a woman, I don't feel like a human, more like a machine on auto pilot. It's just heavy today.

I'm tired. That's all. I'm just tired. Tomorrow we're supposed to get a little snow. Maybe that'll be enough to lift my spirits a bit; the change. I need weather sometimes--storms, something to break the monotony. Thunder, lightning, wind. Sun when I can be out in the garden. Even a steady rain when I can be out with my hands thrust in the mud, working Earth.

Something to make me feel alive.

*---*

Valentine's Day is arriving. I absolutely hate Valentine's Day. Perhaps it is because I was always in the middle of some breakup at that time in my youth. I grew to believe that I was broken up with so as not to have to be given anything for Valentine's Day...self-esteem statement right there. Thus, in high school we nicknamed it "VD Day." I have always hated Valentine's Day. Obligatory gift-giving is perhaps one of my greatest pet peeves. Obligatory expressions of affection, another. If I want to tell you that I love you, I will probably do it any other time and date than on Valentine's Day. Why am I thinking about this now? Because the children do Valentines at school. Gotta train them early, right? Ugh. So I found the materials today with which we will be creating ours for classmates this year.

This does not mean I am not a romantic. I love romance, I like to be romanced and I love to creatively give romance; I just personally do not believe it should be dictated by the calendar.

And there you have it.

missed the boat?

I am either 1. not marketing myself properly; 2. totally in the wrong business, or 3. in desperate need of a boob job.

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/nva/lss/539474081.html

Oh well. I have integrity.

Not that integrity necessarily pays the bills....

(psst...she even spelled the name of her own country wrong. Ay ay ay...)

scratch that.

The Young Prince woke up miserable this morning, so most plans now off.

Now to bitch. If you don't want to be party to this pity-party, sign off now:

I Hate It when this happens. I have to cancel everything, I don't get my paycheck for the day, I don't get anything done. I thought this was supposed to be my vacation. Now I don't even know if I can leave this weekend, because one thing I will not do is bring a sick child to someone else's house.

I soooooo need out of here. I need a change of scenery. Desperately. Even just a day. Away. Out of this house.

I just feel all powers are working completely against me to allow me a little bit of ME time, a little bit of sanity time, a little break, a little time to do what I WANT to do, not what I HAVE to do.

But I continue trapped. In my own existence that I have so created...my own fault.

the to-do list

Although the initial list for this week is getting shorter, more and more things keep adding themselves on. It is beyond my control.

(sidenote: Princesita, sleeping now by my side, is counting by 10s in her sleep. She was just saying "120, 130, 140, 150, 160..." until I leaned over her and hushed her. My offspring are nerds, too. Even in their dreams. Ugh. So sorry, children.)

I was going to go to the gym but 1. it is so %&*! cold outside and 2. I am so %&*! hungry that I don't think I'd make it far.

I have one student this morning. That is fine. I have no problem with a student or two on my vacation week. Keeps me motivated, on my toes, and--well, dressed. Or I'd spend the entire time in sweats (comfy as they are!). But then my husband is home today for his big psycho appointment that only takes an hour in the morning but for some reason he can't just take half the day and then go back in. Heluva commute, that's probably why. At least he'll take La Princesita and The Young Prince to their respective schools; I'll just probably have pick-up duty. I suppose I can handle that. I just do better alone. I'm a better mother and am in a better mood.

So--trying to plan to be out this afternoon. Goddaughter's birthday is this week. Must find 4 year old girl present...that she does not already have. That is a tough one.

Must make dentist appointments for me and the next-to-the-thrones.

Must run to either Home Depot or Tar-get; minor home repair to do. Perhaps both.

Must call Queen from Southern Kingdom who the children and I will go to visit this weekend so as to reassure her that I will, indeed, be able to eat and there is no worries, I'll even bring my own food.

Must move this huge filing cabinet I just got on Freecycle last night into my office. Weighs a ton.

Must finish designing this course that I am almost done with.

Must plan classes for next week.

Few other goodies on my must-do list, not to be published here (JA!).

Okay, 6 a.m. Time to tackle that filing cabinet. Who needs a gym?

he's back!

My hero is back...even with the Writer's Strike still on.

Jon (sigh) Stewart.

He hasn't been on since Halloween, so it's been a long, long wait. It's been nice getting my satire fix back, even if a bit weaker. I think he does a good job. And Heavens knows we all need a humorous take on all the crap that happens each day.

Warms me up, heart and soul, on these cold, frigid winter days.

J is for...

My developing juggling prowess (and I am not referring to my mastery at multitasking here) proved a HUGE hit among the three-year old crowd today.

This is "Letter J" week, and Mondays are the day that the Young Prince has been chosen to bring an object representative of the letter of the week to his preschool classroom. His idea, I swear, was to bring "juggle." So did I have a choice?

I let him bring the hackeysacks in his backypack, and then the Princesita, who had a Short Day (are these kids ever in school anymore, really? Geez louise...) accompanied me to her old stomping ground and sat with the younger crowd while I proceeded to juggle two with one hand, then three with both, as young three-year old eyes grew with wonder.

They even applauded. What good kids. I am sure I reminded them of a circus clown--

The teacher said she loved the sound of the sacks as they hit my hand. I admit, in a zen-sort of way it is a nice sound, and the beanies inside really make them feel good in my hand--easier than oranges to juggle, and less mess when dropped. It's all in the esthetics, ¿no?

I'm BACK!

Watch out, World.

The Queen is operating, as of 0700 EST, at approximately 75% of normal.

Here I Come...

Red lights, alarms sound

I went to do elliptical for 1 hour at the gym this afternoon, thinking that maybe, just maybe, this ache is just my body needing to move.

Nope. Mistaken. Felt good while exercising (no weights) but am paying dearly for it now.

In my research on food allergy reactions, one that I remember reading about was an almost flu-like arthritic ache...and that would just about cover how I feel now, although much, much better than last night...the virtual Drill Sergeant threatened to come kick my butt and he made me cry! :) I am fine, I can eat, I am good...but my bones literally hurt. It takes four days to get an offending food out of your body completely, and tomorrow is day four. Like I said, I have no issues other than the ache...

...except for the fact that I have mysteriously lost five pounds.

I am now down below 120. Officially dead-on 119.0. And that is fully clothed. Winter clothes. It's cold here. And I am freezing.

Sound the alarms. Tonight IS a FosterBurger night. Big burger for me. Hold the bun. With fries. I'd order a chocolate shake, but I'm already freezing to death as it is. Oh...what the hell. Big shake. Cho-co-la-te.

I really need to start keeping weight on. Evidently going to the gym isn't helping me much there. I know most would kill to say that, but not if they felt how I have felt all weekend. My thyroid numbers were fine on my last blood draw back in October, and I can't think of anything else that would be making it so hard for me to not just melt away into nothingness.

Maybe I AM the wicked witch-bitch and am paying the price...



You know, she and I DO look and sound a lot alike, ¿no?

I'm sure my children would say so...

中之条町 Nakanojo-machi in cold January

成人の日 (Seijin no hi) is a national holiday in Japan, the annual Coming of Age day. It is now observed the 2nd Monday of every January in order to create a convenient three-day weekend, but when I lived there it was always on January 15. This is the day that all young people who turned 20 years of age during the past year "officially" turn 20. They gather at a local Shinto shrine all dressed in formal attire, with women in kimono wearing white fur collars, and, all at once, ceremoiously become legal citizens of their country. This is the age these young people now can officially smoke, drink, and vote...priority given usually in that order.

The ceremonies are followed by parties (of course--this is Japan!). If you want to see beautiful native ceremonial dress, this is one festival day not to be missed.

Following 成人の日 comes the 鳥追い祭り Torioi Matsuri that brings dear Nakanojo some fame. This is an old festival dating back to Japan's early Edo period. All the celebrations begin before sunrise with the どんど焼き dondo yaki a huge bonfire into which the だるま daruma faces of the previous year are thrown and burned or bad luck with ensue. We also roast what appear to be big white marshmallows on tree limbs...but are in reality hard little balls of steamed rice, so if you're expecting to sink your teeth into a nice, hot, sweet, gooey marshmallow, you are in for a very sorry surprise. Instead, your teeth crunch through the tough outer shell that formed on the rice ball in the yaki and then you can barely chew the rice ball due to the intense stickiness and thick texture. Perhaps these are leftovers from the New Year's もち mochi rice cakes that were pounded out of stick rice put in a wooden container by heavy (very heavy!) wooden mallets. Many actually choke and die on this もち during each New Year.


Okay, so the だるま are those funky little creatures that are said to bring good luck, and have two eyes that are to be colored in. The first eye is colored when one begins a new endeavor, and the other when that goal had been realized. You are not to keep that doll into the New Year, however, so they are burned in the superstition that all the hard work will be somehow undone.

Then we chase the rice balls with cups of 甘酒 amazaki a sweet sake drink that's warm and perhaps akin to our hot chocolate...no chocolate, and although they say the alcohol, when heated, burns out, that is just not true, having started all three of my 鳥追い祭り celebrations out with quite the buzz by only 6 a.m. Ay, those were the days...

Then the fun begins at about 11 in the morning. The BIG Edo-period 和太鼓　wadaiko drums are pulled through town by the local young people (late teens/early 20s) dressed in festival gear. They stop at various points on the main streets in town (all closed off for the day to any traffic) and are beaten. In order to beat the taiko drums, you have to engage your entire body in the swinging of the drumstick, thus requiring quite a workout.

The purpose, you may ask? To chase the bad birds and spirits away in order to ensure a fruitful harvest in the New Year. Nakanojo is located in a rural, agricultural area of Japan--rice paddies everywhere. The country's largest crops of cabbage were just up the road from me, in Tsumagoi. We didn't want any bad birds ruining the fruits of labor! Let me just say that the beating of those drums would scare just about anything away, while perhaps awakening the dead in the process.

The unarguably best, most fun aspect of this festival, however, is the みかん mikan clementine orange throw. At various established stations throughout the town, mikan are thrown in a mad frenzy to the crowd below. Having been both at the receiving end, with my big plastic bag wide open to catch all the mikan I could in hopes I got some with a good prize attached (some had town sponsors giving away prizes from their stores--the best I got was a rug for my cold kitchen floor) and enough mikan to sustain me for the next few weeks so I didn't have to buy any at the store (which were, of course, at rock bottom prices because there was no demand--everyone got their oranges at the festival throw for free!) and the throwing end, when I could peg current and ex-students and co-workers and not feel guilty in the least, I can honestly say I preferred being the peg-ger than the peg-ee.

This festival continues for 10 hours, until 9:00 at night, at which time the drums are brought back to their various neighborhood stations and parked until the 夏祭り, the summer festival, and then the partying ensues. I was adopted by one specific neighborhood in the town, so I would go with those guys to a big dinner, a lot of drinking (of course, having been drinking since 4 or 5 a.m., this was for the heartiest...as I have full recollection of all of this, this serves as a testament as to how I spent my early 20s) followed by karaoke and, for the strongest of souls, ラメン　ramen at about 2 or so in the morning.


I cannot say I have experienced anything at all like this outside of Japan, and truly doubt I ever will. La tomatina de Buñol, Spain is certainly inviting, but as that is more of a free-for-all, it is very limited time-wise, and it is incomparable in that it lacks the ceremonious control and rules that create an omnipresent undercurrent in anything Japanese.

ache to the bone

One day without food or drink and I am out of commission. I must be getting really old.

My bones literally hurt. It's not like a flu-ish type ache, and I feel good when I do some yoga, but I can't stay in a backbend all day long. I can feel almost every movement I make just hurt my entire being. So I've tried to eat something, I took my vitamins and am just trying to ignore the stomach ache that lingers so that I don't have to deal with this ache again tomorrow.

I don't honestly remember this from last time I was sick, an entire 8 years ago. But I was also not even 30 yet. Dude, aging sucks.

Maybe the food will give me enough energy to get my butt up and off to the gym tomorrow morning so that I can at least move; maybe that will do me some good. Sitting in my office and working today sure did nothing for me.

She-Ra the Godsend

I will have to admit, the hardest part about being sick as a dog is the Princesita and the Young Prince.

She-ra, Princess of ?? and mother of 3, not a mere 2 but THREE, from neighboring quadrant of town, came to the rescue this morning, even as her mother is visiting from Afar, completely out of her way, to bring The Young Prince to his preschool classroom...and not only did that but she picked him up, picked up McD's Happy Meals for All (a royal favorite among the young group), ran off to get the Princesita from the end of her kindergarten day, and wouldn't let me pay for lunch.

She even called later to ask if she could take them for a while this afternoon--a point at which The Young Prince was SCREAMING at Princesita about something having to do with the Happy Meal, the Court Jester cat wouldn't get off my butt (literally) and I was tempted to take her up on the offer!

Dear She-Ra. Thank you for all your help today. It is one thing to be off, alone, sick in a foreign country. It is quite another to have responsibilities to fulfill, children to get places, etc., and I am not often enough sick, especially sick like this, to have to worry about it. I hope to not have to pay you back in equivalencies...but as you always say, it always comes around.

And I promise not to make you anything shrimp-containing from my kitchen...ever! Not that it would affect you in the end, anyway, but still...I make a point to say that NOBODY else got sick from this, so it obviously wasn't a point of my lack of cooking skills at fault!

I don't ask you to bring me flowers: for Windrider

Okay, Windy, back atcha. It's not exactly the Everglades, but I thought of this video from Colombian Fanny Lú when I saw your pics yesterday.

And makes me want to dance.

Sorry, 'Kota...she is a blonde barbie. But she is beautiful.

You never know what treasures you might find out there, especially when you are least expecting it.

Be well, Windrider. Below are the words to about half the song...really not so necessary but so you have an idea of the song. It was the images and the freedom that made me think of you.

*---*

Si se fue yo no se bien (If he left I don't really know)
aún me resigno a no entender (I still resign myself to not understanding)
que pasan noches ya sin él (now the nights go by without him)
como antes de que fuera mío. (like before when he was mine)
Definitivo yo no sé (I don't know for sure)
una semana y será un mes (one week and it will be one month)
que pasa un día sin que muera (and another day passes without my dying)
suspirando en el vacío. (sighing in the emptiness)
Y ya no quiero ser (And I don't anymore want do be)
tan debil como el viento (as week as the wind)
cuando la tormenta se ha ido (when the storm has left)
que ya no sopla y está frío (that no longer blows and it's cold)
sin tu calor (without your heat)

No te pido que traigas flores (I don't ask you to bring me flowers)
tampoco que me des bombones (nor that you give me chocolates --bonbons)
yo sólo quiero una caricia (I only want a caress)
que me digas que tú me quieres (and for you to tell me that you love me)
no te pido que te confieses (I don't ask that you confess)
ni que prometas ni que reces (nor that you promise nor that you pray)
yo sólo quiero que me digas (I just want you to tell me)
que no hay mujer que más admiras (that there is no other woman that you admire more)

Tal vez se nos fue el amor (Perhaps love left us)
por la puerta en donde entró (out the door through which it entered)
quizás en algún descuido (perhaps in some careless moment)
se escapó sin darnos cuenta. (it left without us realizing it)
Definitivo este dolor (Definitely this pain)
que me condena y me lastima (that condems and hurts me)
será la suerte quien decida (will be the luck that decides)
si me mejoro o me domina. (if I will get better or it the pain will dominate me)
Y ya no quiero ser (And I no longer want to be)
una hoja de papel (a piece of paper)
que se escribe día a día (that is written on day after day)
solamente con tu tinta (only with your ink)
te digo mi amor (I tell you, my love)

---y etc.

nice to know

Well, I now know that I do not, indeed, have to leave the States to get really ill on shrimp.

How do I really know it is shrimp?

The first time was in Ecuador 1992, and there must have been something really bad in there because I experienced horrible problems for a good month following getting really sick on some incredibly delicious shrimp had in the oceanside city of Salinas. When I returned to Ecuador in 1997, I did eat fish in a restaurant and, although not the deathly ill I was with the shrimp, it sure did not do well by my body.

The second time was in Thailand for the new year of 1996. Culprit? Yeppers, shrimp. Delicious, wonderful curry that I paid dearly for for three days.

Some trout put me under in the Peruvian Andes in 2000, that everyone else with me had eaten as well, but I was the only one to suffer so we thought it could have easily been a plate or fork that had not been adequately cleaned. Who knows. However, since that trip I've never had any problems in Perú.

Now I have had no problems with shrimp in Japan, shrimp I buy from the Korean market here closeby, in China, nor any fish in Europe or the United States...

...until last night. Everyone else in the house ate the same thing and nobody else got sick but yours truly. (sigh) I haven't felt this bad because of food (morning sickness does NOT count!) in years.

And just think...if I had been in Perú now I would not have eaten shrimp last night and I would sure as heck not be resenting Life today.

Is someone making a judgment call on my decision? Just a thought.

reactions

Remind me...I seem to be allergic to warm water shrimp.

Don't, please oh please, don't let me ever eat any again. Even if questionable.

It has been one heck of a long night.

troubling beginning blends

The Young Prince, at the up and coming age of 3 and almost 1/2 years, has been experiencing for quite some time difficulties in the pronunciation of words that begin with blends. For some of my longer-term readers, you might remember certain posts from a while back our issues with the certain word in particular: TRUCK. Yes, it still comes out primarily as F*CK...so we have the variations on the theme: The Fire F*uck, the Big F*ck, the Small F*ck, the Fast F*ck...it is not only a great conversation topic, it is a surefire way to get Looks from old ladies around town. (We have been able to morph Fire F*ck into Fire Engine, but that unfortunately does not cross over to other types of, well, f*cks).

Today I about spilled my hot tea all over my lap when, while driving Young Prince about on a Freecycle pickup with his Sidekick, Dame F, She-ra's daughter, I was listening to their conversation from their carseats and The Young Prince was relating about how one of his TV favorites, Annie from "Little Einsteins" was clapping with the song. Alas, this of course came out as "crapping along with the song" and I started laughing so hard I thought I was going to, well, clap my pants.

Brings me back to the days of Presidential Erections and Eric Crapton in Japan...

ay de mí.

4:30 a.m.

I awoke exactly at the moment that my flight to San Salvador was taking off.

No longer "my flight," of course, since I cancelled/postponed the trip.

Sigh. Now to keep busy all day today. So much for sleeping in on my first day of "vacation."

the nightmare that just won't go away, part II

A defense attorney from my insurance agency just called and informed me of the probability that there could arrive the time that I would have to, indeed, travel to Nashville and testify in this court case. My insurance company is saying that no, I had no fault in the accident caused by the "phantom" vehicle, that which ran us off the road and fled the scene as we spun out, flipped and crashed. Theirs is saying that no, it was fault of my over-correction or something and that I am liable for their damages.

So that's where we are. I told her that not only should my perfect driving record, with no infractions whatsoever, help speak for itself and that nobody else behind me but her vehicle went out--why is that?--but that I have also suffered so deeply emotionally from this accident, finally put to rest the post-traumatic stress, for the most part, of getting back behind the wheel of the car, and even had to seek out counseling to get through the depression this accident pushed me into, and that I would really on principle like to fight it but that I just don't know if I can, emotionally, go through it all again. She said that the meeting of the defense attorneys will put that into consideration when deciding if they will change their decision to say "yes, we will pay" when right now they are saying "no, because she (me) was not at fault."

So now I'm totally stressed out about that. I know, I can't be, but you do not know the nightmare that accident was in my life and the dark, dark place it pushed me into.

Too much right now. I need to stop trembling. I don't have nerves for this.

Must go back outside and let Inti cure me with His healing rays.

worshipping the Sun God

Mapiprincesa...people sometimes ask me where I picked up that name.

MaPi is what the locals call Machu Picchu. When I went in 2000 June, I felt so pulled, almost a gravitational pull, to these ruins. It was inexplicable. In the wake of my father's death, and visiting MaPi on the days that coincided that year with both Father's Day and my father's birthday, I hiked around and toured and learned...and sat and just meditated. The pure energy that the rocks constructing the ruins emitted was so powerful that it energized me, it infused me with so much goodness...it is definitely one of the most closest moments to God I have ever in life experienced.


I did climb Huayanu Picchu, the peak in the background overlooking MaPi that I always thought looked like the arms holding MaPi in a deep embrace and looked down not only on the Río Urubamba snaking around and carving out the canyon far, far below but also on the beautiful ruins from there...they were hardly recognizable from that angle, which I found interesting. But it was then that I decided that, in a former life I must have been an Incan princess, one of the sacrificed virgins of Machu Picchu perhaps--I even found my "throne" atop Huayanu Picchu and laid there in the sun for a few moments...it fit my rear end perfectly, as if made for me!!

---

Here, yesterday was like an oasis in the middle of a desert. The sun came out and heated up our Earth so that the frozen ground melted, I got down on my hands and knees in the backyard and worked the Earth with my bare hands. I destroyed my right hand's skin but I hate working with gloves on--I love to feel God's creation on my fingers, even if it is pulling weeds and vines. The sun was warm and filled me with wonder and awe at such a mid-winter gift. Today is supposed to actually hit 72/21 C and I plan to be out in it, my hands in the Earth, as soon as my morning class ends today.

match made in hea--ven

Okay...MY special-recipe guacamole
plus
Badger Mountain Organic Riesling...yummers.

And I am not a white wine person.

...although I'm sure a Corona con limón would be divine, too.

treasures

Transcription of last night's bedtime conversation:

-I love you so much, mi princesita.
-I love you too, Mommy.

-I'm not the best mommy in the world. I'm sorry.
-But you're my mommy, and that's most important.

Keeping busy

Mind and spirit, body and soul. Must keep busy!

So instead of opting for a day of work here at home, I (stupid me) decided to go to this brunch (stupid me) that my husband has been trying to get me to go to (Stupid me) for about a month now with his Reservist unit.

First off, and I am not all granola-y, anti-military or any of that, but I am not military, I don't share the mindset, I have a lot against taking blind orders from above powers, I hate hierarchy and I just don't have anything in common with the group. So not much to talk about.

Second, when I go into The City for a Sunday brunch, I'm thinking nice for the price, if you get my drift. Maybe I'm just frugal. I don't know. But I just couldn't eat anything there. It was off my diet (and I ain't talking skinny diet here...I need fattening food without all the reactive crap in it...does such an ideal even exist???) and I'm not willing to put myself through physical hell just to have something to eat.

Thirdly, I just got to fulfill what I am certain was my only true purpose in being there anyway (twofold): 1. be the little "trophy wife" to show off that I actually do exist, and I suppose I clean up well, and 2. be the unpaid childcare while he got to sit, eat and talk with the rest of his drill unit...none of which brought other family members (obviously a lot smarter than present company).

So I left hungry, pissed off and feeling used. Why did I fall into the trap in the first place, you might ask? Well, it was a beautiful day, the temperatures were actually above freezing and I felt pretty good come noon or so. Plus, all in the "need to keep busy" frame of mind, I could see myself wasting a perfectly good afternoon away doing sudoku with the cat on my lap, eating chocolate, having tea or a glass of wine...

coulda shoulda woulda

Lesson learned, be stronger and firmer next time.

ice skating

La Princesita and I went ice skating tonight. I had not been in a few years; La Princesita had only been once when she was really, really young and she has no recollection of that. For me, I felt better on skates than I had ever felt on ice...I could spin easily and had never had the confidence to skate on ice so much backwards as duty so required tonight. Some comments were funny; I had a lot of people ask me where I learned to skate so well. I had always thought my skating abilities to be akin to my downhill skiing abilities: all speed, no grace.

La Princesita proved herself even more her mother's daughter than I previously thought. She was frustrated and even afraid at first, but by the end of the 2 hour session she would not even let me touch her, she was skating backwards and doing turns. She found some boys in her class who are friends of hers and I talked to their parents out on the ice while they play-skated together. Then she even went around the entire rink with a little first-grader she had met before on the playground but could not remember her name; I told her father that I had them spotted and followed them as they went, hand in hand, around the rink.

At our little Buckies hot chocolate date with which we topped off the evening, she told me she had a "fabulous" evening with me. Her words. The most surprising thing was, though, when she said that next time we need to invite her little brother...she doesn't want him missing out on all of this fun, and now that she doesn't need me to help her, I can dedicate myself to him while she does her own thing.

Independent...just like her mother.

It was a lovely night, and I did meet some new people (which was good for me) and as I'm the recycling program chair, I had an active vote in the decision to keep this Skate Night in, as someone was injured, I guess, in last year's Skate Night and some wanted to cancel this PTA fundraiser. So a few of us, including our incredibly down-to-earth PTA president, had a chat about that and the positive changes that we made taking into consideration some comments and suggestions in the voting process. So it was overall a good night. There were some tears shed, but no broken bones and I am thankful I made La Princesita wear her flannel-lined pants along with a pair of tights...she would have had a much colder tushie had it been otherwise covered!

6:00 a.m.

Time to get up.

Sucks, on a Saturday. But if I don't, I won't get to do what I want to do this weekend--namely, get to the gym.

Fortunately the temperatures are supposed to be going up this weekend into next week so I can actually get out of my house without my face being bitten so hard by the harsh cold. It has been miserable this week.

I am all ready to start seeing signs of Spring. Although I know that will not happen for a few more months, I am always ready by January.

Have a wonderful Saturday!

world famous!

She-ra and I had coffee this morning.

Sorry, I lie. I had tea. Same difference. We met at Buckies and shed tears over dear doggie's passing.

Somehow our conversation worked its way around to being world famous. It made me laugh and I could recount all these instances that proved that yes, when I was younger, back in The Day, I was really world-famous!

For example:

First trip out of the country, I go to Japan. I landed in Narita Airport in 1990 and right there, in the middle of one of the busiest airports in the world, "Mapi Princesa (insert first and last name here...I had yet to set foot in South America, let alone MaPi), hello!" Old classmate of mine.

Walking down the street in Guayaquil, Ecuador, 1992. City of about 3 million. With my friend Patsy, I had not been able to get the taxi for the fare that I should have been able to get it for...I knew how much it cost and nobody would give it to me that night...too much "gringa" factor that night, evidently, working against me. So my 20 year old pride in check, I said, "Ok, Pats, we're walking. No answering anyone (for our safety since we were walking in the dark...purely stupid thing to do in Guayaquil but hey...I can tell you STORIES of even more stupid things I did there) unless they say our name." Because, of course, due to the gringa factor, EVERYONE and their brother honked as they passed us on the road. And of course, someone came driving up along side us and said, "¡Hola, Mapi, ¿qué tal? ¿Adónde andas?" Hi, MaPi, what's up? Where ya' heading?

At a military parade that same fall in Guayaquil, three of us were standing alongside the road watching the military commemorate the independence of the city of Guayaquil. Luis, our professor of Sociology at the Tecnológico, always took us on various "field trips" throughout the area and one of them took us aboard the Buque Escuela Guayas, a naval training vessel harbored on the Río Guayas. So that day we got to know some of the sailors on board. Of course, those same guys saw us at the parade and came all the way back around from the end of the route and said, "Hey, Mapi, wanna join us out on the boat for a big party?" Knowing better, I declined.

In the new year of 1996, while on the island of Koh Samui, Thailand after having brought in the New Year deathly ill on freshwater shrimp, I started feeling better and joined my friends on a hike through the jungle, up some waterfalls and felt wonderful. As we were hiking through the palms and the overgrown brush, I heard a voice call through the jungle, "Mapi Princesa, is that you???" A gal from Oregon. Dude, small world.

In 1997, when my parents came to visit me in my final year in Japan, my papa-chan and Ko-chan took me to Narita airport all the way from my town to pick them up, bring us all into Tokyo, treat us to dinner and then get us to the hotel (the same in which occured certain toilet adventures already spoken of). I had arranged with a friend's father, who was a hotel entrepreneur, a special deal for my parents' stay in the various cities I was taking them to visit; namely Tokyo, Hiroshima and Kyoto. It was quite convenient. And as we were from rural Japan, the sticks so to speak, although Ko-chan was a Tokyo To-dai graduate (the Japan equivalent of Hah-vahd), they weren't all that used to being back in the Big City. So they about fell over when, as we walked around the block a man they had never seen before bowed to me and said, "Mapi-さんですか。Mapi-san desuka? Mapi, is that you? (first name only). As Ko-chan laughed uncontrollably, Papa-chan said, "Mapi-san is famous everywhere, not just in Nakanojo!"

Later that same vacation, after touring Beijing and Shanghai, I took my family to Hong Kong. I was expecting to meet up with a Chinese-Scottish friend of mine there, but my family didn't realize that but were about blown out of their minds when she came up to me on the street in Kowloon and gave me a hug, "MaPi, how are you?"

When in Sweden in 2001, I was visiting with the matron of the residence hall in which we lived that year as my husband completed his masters degree. A man entered, having heard my obviously American accent, something you don't hear often in Sweden, and sat down to talk to us. I asked where he was from, he said Minnesota. I said, that's funny, my mother's side is all from Minnesota. "Oh, what part?" he asked. "Duluth area." "Really, I'm from that region myself...I'm from Grand Rapids." Well, I never usually say Grand Rapids because everyone only knows of Grand Rapids, Michigan, not Grand Rapids, Minnesota. "That's where my family is from!" "What's the last name?" And I told him my mother's maiden name, as it was her father's family that is all from there. And he said, "Richard V?" and I responded, "Uncle Dick!" He was an old classmate of my great-uncle and knew my entire family from back there, and even returned, made it a point to go and see Uncle Dick and tell him he had "run into me" in Sweden.

Now...I go to the mall with my six-going-on-sixteen daughter K and I don't see one single soul I know--but boy, my daughter gets greeted! I am now The Mother of K and C.

I suppose I had my turn. Now it is time to let them shine...and follow in the famous footsteps of their mother! :)

gettin' out!

One of the benefits of having been able to mainly operate my business from home is that I don't have to leave often!

Of course, that is one of the drawbacks as well.

There is something always exciting to me, as I don't do it often, in going into the city. Mind you, I am not a city girl by any stretch of the imagination. I do well in big cities for a short time, then sensory overload hits and it is time for me to go back to my little enclave.

Then, for work, of course, you actually have to get dressed...

not that I work in the nude. I don't advertise myself on that Craig's list... jajaja

But I certainly don't have to dress up. A little makeup, and voila, jeans and a nice shirt or sweater can be acceptable.

Today I get to hop the metro and head downtown. I would drive if: 1. I knew my way around downtown, which I do not; and 2. if west-bound traffic out of the City wasn't HOV-2 starting at 3 on the only freeway out...I would undoubtedly be ticketed for being a single driver, and am not in the mood for that right now.

I don't mind taking Metro in. I like to watch people, and yet not have to deal with them. So I just plug myself into my iPod like everyone else does and watch the cars sit in traffic going into or leaving the City.

I used to take the trains all the time in Japan, when I would travel to the City and not have to stray too far from the station (unless going into Tokyo, when I could easily just hop the Yamamoto line to get pretty much anywhere I wanted in that city)...if I had to go off the beaten train track, however, or go in to go dancing and return too late / early in the morning, I would just drive.

So I'm looking forward, not only to the trip in but also to seeing my ex-student who initially contacted me with this contract and who had the confidence in my abilities to be able to pull off a job well done for their company.

Hope my voice holds out...I felt the laryngitis coming on last night after not having been good to my voicebox earlier this week, so I have hardly spoken this morning, done the salt-water gargle and actually had an ice pack over my throat last night before sleeping to try to keep the voice intact. I can lose my voice today after talking for the 3 hours it will probably take to do this dub. But not beforehand.

peace

So many of us are experiencing turmoil in our lives right now. Some are mourning the death of a beloved guide, some are losing a pet, others are ending a marriage, some are trying to find themselves, others trying to get home, many trying to move on in their lives and some are at the beginning of becoming a support system of a huge fight for life.

I just looked out my window and in the wintry twigs that the deciduous trees leave behind in their yearly evolution, I see a red cardinal watching the world go by. I am sure nobody else sees him, everyone is so busy in their daily comings and goings to take note of a mere spot of beauty amid the gray browns of winter.

But I see him.

Deep breaths.

Peace.

cancellation of plans

The deal with the school fell through as the school went under. I don't know the whole story, but I guess students were down so much that they couldn't keep going. I wonder if the earthquake had something to do with it.

Maybe I'll continue my search, maybe I won't. I think I'd rather stay home with my children, anyway. Maybe I can take a short trip somewhere for my vacation. I don't know. I have a ticket but I don't want to go, really, now. I got it postponed for later this year, so that helps.

I really feel the need to be with my children now. That is so important to me.

The most important thing in the world.

cold

It is a cold, cold day. In so many ways. The wind cuts through each layer of clothing I donned to try to warm my soul, but my efforts seem to be in vain.

Nice to be working again today. I need my voice back a bit for the dub-over recording downtown of Friday. But sometimes it just feels so good to screeeeeeeeeam...

and not at anybody. Just to screeeeeeeeam and get it all out.

I decided to listen to my gym jam here at home today. I need loud, fast music. I need to stay awake! I fear I'm going to fall back into an insomniac cycle. I should contact my doctor about the possibility of infusing a little tiny bit of kava kava into my diet. Just a little. Maybe that can help me get through until I can get my hands muddy in my garden again in the spring.