heavy

I am just feeling so heavy. So much weighing me down. Jobs to do, trying to fill another class, taxes, finances, unexpected RDOs (that absolutely KILL me--probably hence the funk), the not-feeling-anything--I don't feel like a woman, I don't feel like a human, more like a machine on auto pilot. It's just heavy today.

I'm tired. That's all. I'm just tired. Tomorrow we're supposed to get a little snow. Maybe that'll be enough to lift my spirits a bit; the change. I need weather sometimes--storms, something to break the monotony. Thunder, lightning, wind. Sun when I can be out in the garden. Even a steady rain when I can be out with my hands thrust in the mud, working Earth.

Something to make me feel alive.

*---*

Valentine's Day is arriving. I absolutely hate Valentine's Day. Perhaps it is because I was always in the middle of some breakup at that time in my youth. I grew to believe that I was broken up with so as not to have to be given anything for Valentine's Day...self-esteem statement right there. Thus, in high school we nicknamed it "VD Day." I have always hated Valentine's Day. Obligatory gift-giving is perhaps one of my greatest pet peeves. Obligatory expressions of affection, another. If I want to tell you that I love you, I will probably do it any other time and date than on Valentine's Day. Why am I thinking about this now? Because the children do Valentines at school. Gotta train them early, right? Ugh. So I found the materials today with which we will be creating ours for classmates this year.

This does not mean I am not a romantic. I love romance, I like to be romanced and I love to creatively give romance; I just personally do not believe it should be dictated by the calendar.

And there you have it.